Trans (1994)

I was born Heidi Sue Reuben. Where my  mother got that, I'm not really sure. So in my dreams and if people I knew  respected me and cared about me in a way that I would like them to, I think I would  prefer if people would refer to me as Henry So the name thing is difficult because, right,  now in my life everybody knows me as Heidi and has known me as Heidi. Well, my good friends my  family, the people I work with, my students But in my mind, I'm more and more  feeling like I am Henry and it's an insult to me to be called otherwise because  it's not recognizing what I'm going through and it's not recognizing how I want to be identified in the world I think the fact that I was a  dyke and now I'm a transsexual is too easy of an explanation for what's happening  with me but that's the best I can do today When you have changed your identity so often  from growing up heterosexually oriented or being assumed to be heterosexually oriented, coming out  as a dyke and then coming out again as a female to male transsexual, it's- you begin to question  the permanence of your identity in general I mean, if none of those identities were  the truth for all time, which of those identities is the truth? I mean, you start to go back and say gosh I was a tomboy, maybe that means I'm a dyke. Gosh, I was a  tomboy, maybe that means now I'm a transsexual. It's hard to say, so I want to emphasize that I'm  definitely in a period of transition, so I'd say transsexuals are people who are  in bodies that are uncomfortable with them that that people like myself are seeking to  realign our bodies to ourselves to gain some sense of integration is very difficult. I think that's the understatement of the year to walk around you know in a world that perceives  that there are only two genders and two sexes I identify in a masculine way, I have a female  body, I have a masculine gender identity that's not in accord with my body If your gender identity does not match the assumed meaning of our genitals so that if you identify as a man but you have female  genitalia, if you have a clitoris, if you have vagina, if you have tits, if you have shapely  curves secondary characteristics then you're meant to express that in a female way and female, womanly, in our society is typically understood as feminine but that is not necessarily the case and  there are a lot of women, who identify as women who have uh who are not necessarily feminine but  they're still women and they have female bodies Gender is something that is not natural that  just because you are female doesn't mean you are feminine, that we need to align ourselves as  feminists with other people who are aware of the limitations of being a woman, of being trapped  within particularly coded behaviors according to your genitalia so that if you're a man you know,  and this is so cliché, but you're taught not to cry, yes, I have had days where I've been like, well if  I'm really a man, I wouldn't be crying about this but I mean that's crap just  as much as it's crap that uh that I'm, you know, should be a "woman"  a feminine gal in you know white dresses as I have lived in the shoes of a woman and  I know how difficult it is and I'm going over to the "so-called" other side I'm not a  traitor to the cause, all men aren't the enemy. I know because I'm becoming one but it's hard work to stay in a  body that's not comfortable and so I think about what kind  of changes I want to make and it's hard to look in the mirror and see  something that's not really you, or that you don't feel is really you, don't like to get naked  all that often, um although I'm not really modest locker rooms are hell, public bathrooms are  a nightmare, people don't really recognize me for my femaleness but taking off the clothes and  that kind of said setting is even harder sometimes Some people say it's a cop  out to go and have surgery it's a personal solution to a political problem  and that we should all seek to live you know as a wide a variety as we, you know,  as we seem to exhibit as a species I would say people should be allowed  to do what they want with their bodies so for someone like myself who's  really big breasted, it would mean removing all this tissue and  grafting the nipple back onto a masculinely shaped chest, whatever we understand  culturally to be masculine. I don't see myself pursuing lower surgeries like some guys. The  surgeries right now are really poor for female to males like any field, the field of the study of  transsexuals is dominated by masculine models, male models, so that the majority of  the research is done on men who are becoming women I don't always dress like this but when I do I feel really brave and I feel really strong in the world, I feel like it's the best expression of  me that I know how to put out there right now Some days it's hard people give  you shit on the street but in general I tend to feel like nobody  can screw with me when I'm like this and and that's one of the ways in which I take you  know the kind of power I need to take in order to keep going to a world that's really  hostile to people like myself It makes me feel strong, I like to look  good, I like to be well tailored, I like the feel of wingtips on the sidewalk, I like,  you know, you look good, you feel good [Music] I look good. [Music]