To Love And To Care For

[Music] nobody gets my time [Music] crazy [Music] nobody gets my [Music] god is [Music] is my god [Music] i thought about it for quite a while and that day at the beach i told wendy exactly how i felt i wasn't sure she really understood i knew i loved her and would probably marry her someday but not now i just couldn't support her and the kid now here i was after wasting all this time back at school taking a mechanics course and working at the service station weekends and nights just trying to get through it she had to know i just couldn't take on a baby i tried to understand what bob was saying but it was another thing to learn to live with it bob was my whole world but deep inside i hated the idea of giving up our babies being pregnant had changed everything for me sometimes the whole situation seemed unreal but bob wanted to go on as if nothing had changed finally i decided maybe he was right you couldn't give up everything for a child so we agreed to give the baby up for adoption [Music] is [Music] as soon as i saw jamie i knew there was no way i could part with him to me he was the most beautiful baby in the world all i could think of was how tiny and helpless he was and how much i wanted him and loved him already i told myself bob would feel the same way about him and all three of us would make it together when i saw jamie in the window i really couldn't feel he was a part of me my son but i knew right away that wendy would never give him up so i bought this toy and i went to see wendy i felt mixed up about everything but loving her to make things easier i told her we would keep jamie and make a go of it [Music] i didn't have a thing ready for jamie so my social worker suggested a foster home for him while i made plans to move into a single-parent co-op home mrs paul the foster mother was really nice and bob and i visited jamie every few days boy was i scared about looking after him like i didn't know what to do first he seemed so delicate i thought it would be the end of him if i made one wrong move mrs powell kept telling me that jamie was a good baby and that once he was with me my so-called mother's instinct would take over i was in a panic during those visits i couldn't even hold jaime properly and when i thought of keeping him it really hit me hard but i thought of wendy and kept telling myself we would work things out [Music] i wasn't too sure how i'd like living in a co-op home but it turned out to be the best thing i could have done at least i wasn't all alone and the homemaker and the other girls really helped me out and taught me a lot about looking after jamie i even finished my grade 12 by correspondence i was beginning to feel a part of things and i'd look at jamie and feel kind of proud of myself i started liking him and thinking gee he's mine he's a part of me after a while though things weren't so great at the club home the two girls i felt closest to moved out and as i gained confidence in myself as a mother it seemed like everyone else was interfering we all had different personalities and i just got tired of trying to get along with so many people i guess i was really ready to be on my own bob and i talked it over at first i thought maybe i should move back home with my parents but i soon dropped that idea mama's so bossy and so critical over how i handled jamie you would have thought he was her baby even when we were just visiting she was always telling me what to do and i knew i wouldn't be able to take that for long besides that i couldn't forget how ashamed they were of us in front of their friends and even the neighbors dad especially made me feel so guilty all the time and did they ever hate bob [Music] finally wendy said she'd find a place of her own that was unreal either they didn't want kids or else when they found out we weren't married they didn't want a girl like wendy man it was something else until at last we found a place well something that wasn't too bad the next thing was money and welfare was the only way out i would have gone to work but there weren't any daycare centers for kids under three besides jamie was so young i just had to look after him myself but being on welfare was lousy it's so degrading you feel like you're begging for every little thing it was like a slap in the face [Music] they really gave me the gears about supporting wendy and jamie here i was going like hell at everything my job my course the works i was really trying to help her giving her all the money i could but oh no for those welfare people it wasn't good enough i was scared man and i was starting to wonder where all the fun i used to have it disappeared to the meantime i was going to weekly meetings at the agency for single mothers our kids were being looked after by volunteers while we mothers met and talked about our own spaces mine was really getting bad i told the girls how lonely i was there were no other young mothers around my place i couldn't manage on welfare we were always short of money and things we needed it was always a hassle whenever i did try to go out half the time the babysitter didn't show up worst of all i just knew that bob wanted out he didn't come around as much whenever he did all we did was argue he'd finished his course and i wanted to know when we were going to get married i accused him of not loving us he'd just get mad and call me a nag and jamie a big burden finally he just stopped coming around i was thinking about it all the time i was one hell of a mess my mom and dad were both at me with their advice you and wendy both knew what you were doing it's your child as well as hers why aren't you living up to your responsibility by being a proper husband and father to them now look fellas can't always control their needs that well she should have been more careful you've helped her as much as you could it wasn't your idea to keep the baby was it i guess i tended to agree with dad more thinking he knew what it was all about remembering his own youth it was wendy who really wanted jamie i wasn't even sure after all this whether i loved her or not i felt responsible but i never told her to keep jamie things were getting really heavy and all she did was push for marriage marriage marriage we didn't have any fun anymore it was just a drag i started hating the whole mess i was in i dated this girl and i really enjoyed myself so i made my decision and i got out once bob left i just quit trying mom and dad had the i told you so attitude and were no help at all and i got more and more depressed i'd always thought bob would marry me and i just couldn't cope on my own everything was closing in even jamie wasn't so great to look after anymore i'd take it all out on him yell at him hit him i just didn't care the agency finally had to suggest they take him into care while i tried to start my life out [Music] god is in heaven after one day [Music] it took a long time but the pieces slowly began to fall into place my social worker suggested i might want to see a psychiatrist i did and he helped me to understand myself and pull myself out of my depression [Music] i got onto the welfare opportunities program and did volunteer work in a preschool nursery i was really surprised at how much there was to learn about kids i looked forward to going there every week and things seemed to be more worthwhile but most of all i began to miss jamie and want him back with me i started visiting him in his foster home and taking him out sometimes [Music] we'd often go to my parents who had come around a lot when they saw barbers gone and i had been through so much by myself [Music] my happiest day was february 12th after what seemed like forever i had jamie back home with me [Music] where do you go from here holding him tight you choke back your fear you have flown so high touch the sky fallen so low trying to ward off each blow but now you're together that's one thing certain as you wait for the opening of your life's next curtain you'll build on the joys and fight all the tears but where do you go from here [Music] uh [Music] so you