SMART BOY

Last night I was reading a book. Ah, that’s very good. It proves one has an education. First one starts reading books,  then one starts smoking cigarettes, and before one knows it, one is going out with women. I was reading a book by some professor and it said the fastest thing in the world is light.  It travels at the rate of 186,000 miles a second. No kidding. That’s only the second fastest thing in the world. Yeah? What is the fastest thing, wise guy? Ever see a sailor on a 48? Well, we have another reader here.  Leave us see what he is reading. It’s called Sailor Courageous. Charlie Noble  went in on the first wave. As he hit the beach, he stepped into a crossfire from the Jap machine guns. A bullet tore off his  helmet, but he didn’t stop. Why the guy’s a hero. Very funny. Very funny. Boys, will you ever forget that last invasion? The  perils and hardships we went through. Sweating it out in that warehouse, piling up K-rations. It  was terrifying. Why, we weren’t much more than six or seven hundred miles from the shooting. Look Bill, you don’t have to be a Superman when you go after a blonde. Somebody’s got to be  back there throwing those supplies around if we’re going to win a war. Remember that. Amen. Amen. Why don’t you quit boning up on being a hero and be yourself? Uh, come on. Give me back my magazines. Hey, wait a minute. What’s the  idea of wearing that uniform? Well, it cost me 45 bucks. I like it. Hey, fellas. Zipper. Oh, come on. Lay off me, will you? You guy. That’s no uniform. That’s a zoot suit. The next thing you’ll be  wearing a silk hat and a ballet skirt. Sure. Just because you’re in the Navy doesn’t make  you a different guy. Why don’t you act normal? Yeah. And talk normal, too. Even to dames. Dames, he says. Oh, get him. Talking to the master, are you kidding? Everything adrift goes  to the lucky bag. You boys stow all gear and equipment before you go ashore.  This section goes on report. Carry on. Look, Bob. Yeah? I hate to bore you with gruesome details, but  you owe me five bucks, and I don’t care if you don’t give it to me till right now. Okay. Anybody got change for a ten? Yeah, I have. What a roll. Two fives okay? Yeah. Twelve. Gonna take all that ashore? Not even a money belt? Why, sure. Why? Oh, I don’t know. It’s kind of nice to have along just in case.  And I may send some home to my mother. Well, why don’t you make out an allotment? Put  all the dough you don’t need on the ship’s books. Listen, I can take care of  my own pay. I’m no dope. Hey, that’s about seven months’ pay, isn’t it? Yeah, about. You were smart enough not to carry seven months’  pay around with you when you were a civilian. [Sailors Rushing] Hey, somebody's jumpers adrift. Oh, that’s Red's. He’s in sick bay with cat fever. Liberty’s canceled. Stow it, will you? Come on. I’ll have to stand in front of you. The O.D. might spot that uniform. Okay. Be right with you. This is the place. Well, I guess I’ll shove off. I’ll see you later. Huh? Hey, why don’t you come alongside with me? Why? What’s cooking? Well, what’s on your mind? Well, I’m meeting my date just about  right now. Maybe she’s got a friend. Yeah? What kind of a babe have you got? Oh, she’s swell and good-looking. Yeah, I mean, what kind is she, you know, does she - Well, why don’t you see for yourself? Okay. Well, come to, what’d you do that for? Ah, those lousy civilians  taking it easy while we’re The big fella’s a veteran, and the little guy  is wearing a button for two sons in service. Yeah, well, he ought to watch where he’s going. Hey, get a load of the lucky braid - watch this Good afternoon, sir. Afternoon. Notice that first sailor thought he was being cute. Hey, what’s the idea of lousing up my gag? You know, Bill, I don’t understand you.  You’re a nice guy, but you’re always pulling these stupid little stunts. I’m just trying to have a little fun. You haven’t got a sense of humor. That’s what’s  wrong with you. Come on before you get on report. Look, Bill, I hate preaching, but you’re  wearing long pants now, so stop acting like a Dead End Kid toward civilians and officers.  The Navy goes in for courtesy, like saluting, for instance. It’s an order to an admiral the same  as you. And besides, if you don’t salute, then you put the other guy on the spot. And if you’re not  enough of a regular guy to obey a simple order Oh, hi, cutie pie. What’ll it be, sailors? A steak, French fries, and a bottle of brew. - No steak. Hamburger. Okay. Hamburger. No onions. - No onions. Make mine the same. Hey, Mac, your hat. Oh, yeah. And cuffs. How’s my saltwater taffy? Why, Alice, how are you? Oh, I want you to meet a shipmate of mine,  Bill Adams. Bill, this is Alice Carlson. How are you? Didn’t you find out? We’ve quite a day ahead of us considering the time you gave me to plan. Well, what’s the problem? Well, I thought we’d go swimming and  then to my house for dinner. That is, unless you’d rather go out someplace. And De Luna Beach, the band there is out of this world. One drum and sixteen saxes, and a swell gang’s going. Well, how about fixing up Bill with a date? Uh, look, don’t bother about me.  I’ll take care of myself, huh? Pay no attention to him. You  think you can get somebody? Well, I guess so. Like me to try now?  There’s a phone on the dome. And look, really fix him up. It’s all set. Oh, she’s not bad, but I bet her girlfriend’s  a dog. They always are. Look, count me out, will you? Save the chat for your girl when  she comes back so she won’t be too sore, and tell her I’m glad I met her, but I’m  sorry I just couldn’t wait to meet her friend. Huh? Take it out of this. Here’s your change. Ah, forget it. Where you off to? Oh, I don’t know. There are a couple of spots I want to hit downtown. Yeah, I know. You sure go for the joints. Down there they’d clip their own mother  for the wedding rings. But don’t worry about me. Who’s worrying? Have a lovely evening.  But back home you wouldn’t be caught up an alley with any of those broken-down floozies. I know, but I’m not back home. See you later. Huh? Go ahead, Junior. Prove you’re a man. Well, what’ll it be? Sailor, boilermaker. The best you got. Coming up. Here you are. That'll be six bits. - Okay There ya are, keep the change. - Thank you Oh, I’m sorry. I thought  you were a friend of mine. I could have been that lucky. From the back you look just like him. He’s very well built, too. Well, I could say the same for you.  I was supposed to meet Johnny here, but I had trouble finding the place. Made me  so late I guess he figured I wouldn’t come. Guy wouldn't wait for you? He must be an awful dope. You’re sweet. Well, look, as long as you’re gonna be  here, why don’t you have a drink with me? Uh, Margie. - Bill. Hey, bartender. How about a little service for  the lady and me, unless you’re too old-fashioned. Double old-fashioned. Yours? Another boilermaker. Make it double - double. Well, I guess this is my lucky day. Meaning? Well, you, what else could that mean? Guy’s entitled to  a break sometimes. Things been pretty tough. Rugged. Rugged. You been on any of those invasions you read about? Oh, tell me about it. There you are. That’ll be three and a quarter. Okay. Hey, keep the change. Thank you. Bill, tell me about it. Well, I went in on the first wave. We hit  the beach and, uh, Jap machine guns opened up on either side of us. They got our range,  and one of the bullets knocked off my helmet. But I didn’t stop. I, uh, by this time  it’s night, and we haven’t had any chow. That’s “chow.” That’s what they call it. To me, that’s something to eat. See, we hadn’t had any chow since the day before. Weren’t you hungry? Hungry? There, we thought of it Hey, I said it’ll be eight dollars. Okay, here you are. Here’s  ten. Keep the change. Buy some Everybody have another round  here. Here’s a drink for the lady. There you are, young lady. I think I’ll have one, too. You mind if I have a drink there? I like that. Anyway, two other correspondents and my, uh, two other correspondents and  myself, that’s what it was. Any Oh, hello, honey. How are you? That’s, there’s my girl. Isn’t she pretty? Anyway, two correspondents and  myself, we haven’t hit the sack, see that Oh, the sack. That’s a Navy term for what  you sleep on. A sack. I don’t know why they call it that, but they call it the sack. Anyway, we found this, what was left of an old barn. There wasn’t very much, but  believe me, brother, it was a lot better than nothing, I can tell you that. All right. All this barrage kept coming. The barrage, boom, boom, boom. But it didn’t wake  us up because we were so sleepy. Where, you were sleeping. How’d  you know the shooting went on? Well, excuse me. Gotta see a man about a boat. Hey, listen, girl, take a boat ride, that’s very How’d you know they were still  shooting if you were asleep? Yeah, let’s see. I was asleep, a barrage.  Oh, well, I tell you. I don’t think you understand. That’s sailor talk, you know. So  I had a Jap in one hand and then I had a Jap in the other hand and I banged their heads  together. I cleaned out the whole place. And that’s why they gave you those ribbons? That’s why they gave you those ribbons. How you doing, sir? Oh, hey, there’s my friend. How about a drink for everybody? Oh, no. Look, you’ve had enough. I don’t want that shore patrol playing  nursemaid to my joint. You’d better scram. Oh, I suppose he’s insinuating a lot All right, all right. Hey, look now, I don’t want to have any trouble with  you, but that’s final. No more drinks. Oh, no more drinks. He said no more  drinks. I know. I’d buy a drink, sir, but I got plenty of it on me. Sailor, save your dough. Oh, that’s my girl. Oh, thank you. How is a boilermaker? That’s pretty good. You pretty?  Well, come on. Let’s have a drink. Okay, we’re gonna have But it’s against the law. No more. That’s final. Against the law. Against the law. This lousy joint, honey. Let’s go. Yeah, let’s go. Get out of here. Come on. Hey, let’s call a taxi. Hey, no. Save your money. Let’s walk. Ah, you’re wonderful. Save your money.  He wants me to save my money. Look, baby, let’s go up to your place, shall we? What do you mean! If you think I’m some roundhill tramp you’ve got another thing coming. Now  grab your socks and shove, you lamebrain. Well, when did they leave? A couple of quarts ago, I’d say, from the looks of you, sailor. How did you get back here? It’s instinct. Drunks, cats, and homing pigeons. I ordered dinner, and I ate it. But I  didn’t, I didn’t eat it, that’s what I Well, nothing much left. Donuts.  Think you could use a few? Yeah, that’s what I need.  Sinkers and coffee. Black coffee. That’s black. Oh, boy. This is the best thing. Good black coffee keeps you awake. That’ll be 15 cents. Mere pittance. I’ll get it right here, pittance Hey. Hey. Where’s my dough? Hey, look, my dough’s gone. Hey, where’s my dough? What’s the trouble, sailor? I’ve been robbed. Somebody, I had my money right  here, seven months’ pay, and it’s all gone. Where you been? I’ve been every place. Two, three, five, I don’t know, lots of places. Who you been with? I was with my shipmate, that’s where, and then  I met a babe, that was what that old boy was You remember her name? What she looked like? Oh, she, she was a good kid, but I talked too fast. That’s why it wasn’t okay. Don’t you know who she was? That’s the trouble. I talked too damn fast,  and then she got mad at me, and then she left. That’s the trouble. These boys won’t do like  they’ve been warned. They bring too much money ashore and flash it around and get drunk,  and first thing you know they’ve been dipped, maybe by some cutie, or rolled, lots of times like  this. There isn’t much you can do for them. They can’t give enough information to make a case. Looks like he’s seen a lot of action, too. You’d think they’d know better. Yeah, but some guys never listen. Hey, how’s about a drink? Swell! Coming right up. Down the hatch. What a life. And is this nice duty... Well, here we are. A good  swim always makes me hungry. Gee, Marilyn, you’ve been a swell sport. Oh forget it, honey. Maybe these will make you feel better. Besides, I’m not stuck. I always have  an extra date lined up, especially with the Navy. And that guy Bill couldn’t wait. - Smart boy...