Ray Combs on Tonight Show Johnny Carson 1980s KCST San Diego

up and you hear it's the grossest sound in the world and you can't take it anymore. So, you go down to the phone company and complain. They say no problem. They give you a new number, but they charge you 60 bucks. You ever think maybe the phone company was making those phone calls? [applause] >> [applause] >> I had a nightmare last night that Phil Donnu married Oprah Winfrey >> and their kids went around the world causing arguments. Entertainment, it's great. We got this movie, Ishtar. I don't want to criticize a movie, but I had to walk out and I was in an airplane. So, uh, my career is starting to move. I'm very happy, but it's causing some problems because I have one of those wives that's a little bit jealous. Now, a little jealousy is good, but too much jealousy is not good. And I got one of those wives that accuses me of things. I don't even know what the hell she is talking about. And maybe you go with somebody like this. I came home the other day and my wife was mad at me over an article that she had read in Cosmopolitan magazine. Now, I walk in, she throws this article down. She goes, "You ever do this?" And I read the article and it said that 60% of all married men while they're making love with their wives imagine in their minds that she is another person. Now I was offended. I said Debbie, she said, "My name is Sue." [applause] She sat me down for an hour and a half and lectured me on how she believes whoever you're thinking about while you're doing it is really and truly who you are with. So, I was telling my friend Carl about this and he said he agreed. So, he said what he does is he makes love with other women and imagines they're his wife. [applause] All the guys are going, I think that's legal. Yeah. The women are going, that's not funny. But rel relationships are very tough. And a big thing just happened for for my wife and I, and it's changed my life. Three weeks ago, we just recently had our fourth child. Thank you. [applause] Thank you. And she weighed 10 pounds. >> Yes. A big big girl. And it changed my life because for the first time I was in there helping. >> Now they have a new law as punishment for having sex with your wife. You have to go in and watch her have the baby. [applause] >> Yeah. They're calling this lama. Have you heard of this? >> Lamas is a French word meaning scream. Ladies and gentlemen, I took 17 different classes. I thought I could deliver a cow. They told me about everything except this thing called labor. Labor, for you guys who have not been through this, is the closest thing to an exorcism you will ever see on this planet. I went in the room, MY WIFE WAS GOING, HEAD was spinning around, EYEBALLS POPPING OUT OF THE SOCKETS. She grabbed me by the neck. You did this to me. It burns. It burns. And no matter how many classes you take, you're never ready for when that baby actually starts to come out. Here it comes, Mr. Combmes. It looks just like you. [laughter] It's at this point you realize it's coming out backwards. [applause] [applause] And And every child comes out the same. His head's about this long. It's gray. It's green. It looks like a creature from another planet. They wrap it up. They say, "You want to kiss it, Mr. Colb?" Now, let my wife, she made this thing. All right. I couldn't tell what was what. I said, "Oh, look. It's a boy." No, Mr. Combmes. That is the umbilical cord. See, I really wish that I could have a baby. Not so that I'd be the first man in the world to ever have a baby, but just so I'd never have to hear another woman saying, >> "I wish you could have a baby. It's the worst pain in the world. Men can't know. >> This might be true, women, but you've never been stuck in your zipper. [applause] You don't take no classes for that one. Girls, you just unzip it. He's Jewish now. >> [applause] >> And my wife thinks that I'm incapable of helping raise our children because I'm a comedian. And I think this is stupid. Now, we've had four kids. I watched her with the first three. I saw how she fed them, how she took care of them. Figure, I'll help out. I'll feed the baby, but you can't please my wife. I'm feeding the baby. She comes in. You don't feed the baby like that. She comes over and jerks this child's mouth right off my breast, ladies and gentlemen. >> [music] [music] >> 20. >> Thank you. >> Four. I didn't realize that. >> Four. >> I didn't realize that. >> Four. >> I thought that's pretty good size family nowadays. >> It's It's a pretty good size family, but I feel it's my duty. >> Yes, it is. Somebody has to do it. >> That's right. >> Family feud starts when? We're doing a pilot in about two weeks and I'm very excited to have the opportunity. I've been on the show a couple of times and and people saw me from that and they saw the tape, gave me a chance and gave me the show. >> How do if I want to come in? How do you audition for do you audition couples or families or what? >> They bring families and I think I think Richard got known right away for kissing kissing the women. >> And I think it'd be a mistake to copy him. So >> I'm going to kiss the man. >> Yeah. Old dimension. I figure if you slip the tongue to two or three guys, people [laughter] will be talking about it. [cheering] [applause] >> Did you since you have four kids, I assume that your parents had a rather large family. I don't know why. I'm just >> Well, we're I have four kids now. I'm not Catholic. I'm just careless. >> Yeah. >> Uh but there were six kids in my family. >> And I I love having a lot of kids around. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. It's it's a lot of fun and and I love my parents. >> You get along well with them. >> Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. My kids have to laugh at everything I say. >> Yeah. >> And we go to Kmart. And uh that's where I spank them. You have to take your kids to Kmart to spank them. >> I think there should be a law that you should be allowed to spank. Ever. How many kids you take in Kmart if you >> if you take four, you should be able to spank four [laughter] because um they get away from that. >> Yeah. Anyway, I wish you much luck with the show. Thank you. It's >> a big hit for you. We're going to take this break and we'll be right back. Stay where we are. [applause] [cheering] imitation alligator or cheap lining. >> Good. Knock off 2,000. Let me see the phone. >> Wait till you see this. Looks just like an AT&T phone. Look at the detail.