Parent to Child About Sex

so so [Applause] in this film we are going to discuss quite frankly the things that are normal infected in the children in relation to sex some of you may become somewhat uncomfortable as parts of this film unfold but i think if you listen carefully you will agree that the concepts will contribute to the ring of a mature person who has a healthy responsible attitude toward the sexual side of his life two basic objectives to which we would like to draw your attention first note the many things that you should not do because they can be damaging to a healthy attitude then note the positive things that can be done to put sex in a proper perspective unless you're an extremely unusual audience you will welcome some of this help because most people parents or young people who are concerned about their own attitudes have not in their own lives had the opportunity to gain this kind of insight i never enough understanding myself to really explain things i don't know what age to start when should i begin when my kids ask me anything i get butterflies in my stomach i suspect my husband does too i know he does he evades these discussions like the plague kids don't talk freely about sexual matters with their children they can't they've been reared in such a way that it's a bugaboo they don't have enough facts parents don't know how to begin they keep delaying and delaying till a child senses that this subject is not acceptable and turns elsewhere for information which proves to be misinformation the line of communication between parent and child is then broken fortunately this doesn't need to be a permanent break if the parent can be taught how to approach the problem no matter how old the you can always backtrack but for the moment let us assume that you're one of those lucky ones who can begin at the beginning let's listen to this four-year-old in her doctor's office listen shell what's going to be new at your house we're going to have a new baby really yes where is the baby and my mom is tommy really how do you how do you know what's in there because we feel it because we feel it kicking did you feel the different parts kicking yeah which parts did you feel kick his feet how about his head when's the baby coming mommy when is baby thomas next [ __ ] and next to mom and tell me what kind of a baby you looking for a boy why because we have we already have two girls who are those two girls that's me and my sister how come you're so sensible and talking about these things with shelly and that she has such a calm sensible attitude about it all well this is one place where i wouldn't be anything but honest this is one place i wouldn't think of being deceitful it's a joy to us having this new baby and we want to share our excitement and experience with children do you think that the fact you start truthfully early makes any difference in the long run yes i think that by being truthful with her now her later questions will come just as easy as what these have been to answer what do you think your next question will be i imagine how the baby will come out and the one after that how it got there for shelly the baby is a simple ordinary part of living just like eating your breakfast or putting on her warm clothes when it's cold outside babies are in mommy's tummy obviously as her mother got larger she told shelley that there was a baby in there and as it grew bigger shelley could feel it shelley at this age is not particularly interested in how the baby got in there or even how it's going to get out but there it is an acceptable fact and quite exciting too this phase of reproduction is fairly easy for most parents to handle no storks no cabbage leaves no doctor's bags the next question however most parents find a little more difficult to manage mommy i want to ask you something what is it dear i know that the baby goes inside you that's where johnny was but he seems so big what i wonder is how does he get out of there your belly button it's too small mary the baby doesn't come out of your navel let me tell you how it is there's a special opening just in front of the place where you have your bm it's very very tiny a little girl but as you grow it grows too right along with the rest of you until when you're grown up it gets to be just about this size now when the baby's ready to be born it stretches up to be about this size just big enough for the baby to slip through head first then after the baby's born it goes back to its regular size you remember how big my tummy stretched when the baby was growing in there and now see i'm flat again i'm back to my regular size do you understand yes i think so but if i forget it you can always tell me again maybe when tabby has her kittens you can see how they come i like that but there's something else how did the baby get started in there the special opening that little girls have the one i told you about has a name the vagina now you know that little boys like our johnny have a penis you see his penis when we change his diapers when a boy grows up and is ready to be a father he is able to put his penis into the vagina that special opening that mothers have and when he does this he can plant the seed that starts a baby to grow mary's last question is one many parents have trouble fielding you notice that the mother is giving clear direct answers within this child's ability to understand surprising as it may seem in our sex-geared culture children who have had a matter-of-fact approach to this subject have no more curiosity about this than many other interesting things curiosity is a normal thing when this young man plays with an alarm clock his grandmother happily envisions a budding engineer when he scribbles with a crayon she wonders do we have a great creative artist here but examining the alarm clock and scribbling with a crayon are just evidences of normal curiosity and examining body parts including his genitals is not significant either we've all experienced curiosity about ourselves and the opposite sex who hasn't it's all part of growing up jimmy what's this egg bowl and what's this a heap and a doggie and what's this jimmy my baby season there's no question in this youngster's mind about the presence of a young lady in the household and our mary who inquired so naturally about how the baby got out may not have absorbed all the discussion but she's satisfied for now and perhaps even a little bored the important thing is that she knows she can come back for further information whenever she wishes if a child does not raise these questions as mary does by the time she's seven or eight she may be a bit reticent and perhaps the parent should take the initiative we have talked about the importance of answering the questions of the curious child equally important is how we react to his behavior as children get a little older there is a behavior pattern that is common tool almost all boys and a large number of girls i'm referring of course to masturbation let me at this point make a clear-cut scientific statement masturbation is not harmful the young child often plays with his genitals and after puberty masturbation is a common release mechanism for the sex drive growing boys will either masturbate to get rid of this energy or have a nocturnal emission the so-called wet dream since sexual fantasies or dreams often accompany these experiences the teenager will sometimes feel guilty or ashamed what he needs right then is reassurance from his parents that they know these things happen and that the experience itself is not harmful to health or to normal growing up not important at all it should be viewed as just a passing phase parents are very wrong who add to guilt by terrifying the teenager with fables and myths or by giving the impression that the genital areas are evil or taboo these misstatements and misconceptions are the real dangers let us take a look at how these wrong attitudes toward the genital organs are formed early in infancy tammy don't do that honey that's nasty honey you know better than that shame that's nasty you know better than that oh honey you make me so ashamed of you when parents behave this way 50 or 100 times over a period of time the child automatically expects this kind of reaction without even thinking in his young mind he comes to believe that he's done something bad something wrong this undeserved guilt can carry over into childhood or even adulthood in fact the parents of the babies we just saw probably were themselves treated this way when they were younger the child's whole attitude towards sex then is built on the premise that there is an element of badness in it he can't help himself he has been trained this way and it's been built into his conscious and his unconscious before he was even aware of what it meant this will have a profound effect on his feelings as he begins to mature and especially when he reaches adolescence every so often i get a strong sex urge and the only way i can take care of it is to masturbate and when i do i feel awful it's just like i've committed a crime or something and it worries me and i say well i won't do it anymore and when i do it goes away for a while and i come back and do it again and when i do control myself for a while i end up with a wet dream george i'm really pleased that you can tell me about this perhaps it's because we've known each other for so long you know you really don't need to be upset about this actually the main thing that concerns me is that it has you upset you know this attitude goes back to when you were little you probably don't even remember when you got these ideas but obviously they're quite firmly planted in your mind the only thing i can tell you as a doctor is that what you're doing is just part of growing up it's something you probably will do once in a while whether you think it's a good idea or not i hope i can reassure you so that you aren't concerned from a medical point of view george i only wish society could look at it in its proper light there is still another reason why it is important to straighten this out in george's mind we find that many people who have been reared on the premise that everything connected with sex is bad will carry this attitude in spite of themselves into their married life and may create unnecessary problems a healthy happy sex life can be one of the most wonderful and exciting parts of a good marriage it adds to the marriage makes it more complete the adolescent boy has other problems too i'm talking about his problems in growth and development which can be as disturbing to him as his sex pressures boy how do i always get the top locker you know that junior team you're on look pretty good today you guys better watch out you might make the finals yeah but we'd be a lot better if i were bigger i'm sure getting tired waiting to grow up it's no fun being such a scrawny kid it may sound funny to you but boy when i change my pants i'd like to crawl in that locker i feel so undeveloped that's not so funny before we moved here i used to go to a school we had to go swimming in the bear i was so embarrassed about the size of my penis that we used to dread the days we had to go swimming even though it was my best sport i was good at it too like you boy what i wouldn't have given for a fig leaf even from a small tree well how do you think i feel he feels plenty miserable and so do more boys of this age than you would suspect and for many reasons this is an age of acne the cracked voice and a big difference in size and shape to top it off there is no other age at which a youngster is more sensitive about himself parents should recognize that the feelings of inferiority that develop at this stage can be lasting and damaging for many years to come those who have hurtled this period successfully can look back comfortably and with amusement but from the child's point of view the problems can be serious business what parents should do is to reassure their boy that his eventual physical appearance has little to do with the vast differences that occur at puberty what's more every boy should realize that the size of his genital organs has nothing to do with fertility or his capacity as a male but girls have their problems as well let's hear about a few of these from a couple of teenagers would you believe it mother called this guy she knows his mother and arranged a date for me for the school dance well what could he do but then what could i do we went and it was just terrible what did you do then oh we just sat there he was sort of a drip and couldn't even dance i don't know how to talk to boys onto the time drag did you tell your mother that you bet i did we had a real scene afterwards but she just said it was important to get started early to get into the right social group that's the way she feels i mean you don't get into any crowd by just being there or trying to be pushy i don't know who's worse off at our house no dates even school dances till you're 16 and that's the law what makes them think that when i hit my 16th birthday all of a sudden i'm old enough then it wasn't the day before i get so mad i know you've always been oh sort of able to talk to boys i've watched you and sometimes i've wished i could be like that but i'm not like that even if my mother does want me to be a glamour girl well she's always have to be about my hair or my clothes or the kids i should go with and she even reads the fashion magazines more than i ever do and buys me clothes we can't really afford here's a place where i want to make a brief comment about the influence of the advertising world and stimulating sexuality sales pitches for titillating devices such as perfumes clothes makeup are designed to lure the young girl or her over anxious parent into accepting this exaggerated emphasis on sexuality or sex appeal as the standard and the use of these devices is essential for competing sexually parents should be aware of this that this sort of pressure frequently helps set an artificial pace for the teenager a young girl who is not yet ready or really interested in these devices may often feel that something is wrong with her since she's not really interested in these things when other girls are on the other hand many other girls who acquire the desired allure are yet by no means mature in other ways and they find the stage set for many problems they aren't ready to handle but let's get back to the girls you know that by my math class the one i was telling you about he wanted to take me out just to the high school play i told him i had to babysit i couldn't say my folks won't let me i can't understand them it's not as if you had done something to make them feel that way a lot that matters they act as if they don't trust me or something well sometimes i feel like just going ahead anyway carrie and patty have made some very significant remarks there is a big difference in the time at which girls mature and while carrie is being pushed by her parents patty who seems ready to make some social moves is being unduly restrained if a girl is going to gel into a mature substantial person she must be allowed to progress at her own pace adolescence is an age of tension of social growing pains for young people and their parents what they need from their parents is support acceptance someone they can talk with who will understand whether we like it or not setting up rigid rules no matter how well intentioned is likely to drive the child away into rebellion we should try to make decisions mutually we should at least listen to the young person's point of view if we want him to grow up successfully now i would like to turn to an entirely different subject one of particular interest to the girls menstruation this is a topic dr evans that i think you can give us some advice of a real expert there's been a real change in our approach to education about menstruation it's hard to believe what grandmother experienced but let's hear her story i'll never forget when i was 14 years old i went to the little outhouse on our farm my new dress was stained and there was blood on my under clothes i ran inside and showed my mother and all she said was your menstruating and turned and walked away i had to find out how to take care of myself from my cousin for any of your girlfriends are told in advance by their mothers no i'm afraid not they were just as scared as i was as some of them had older sisters who told them one thing i was sure of i would never let this happen to my daughter why do you suppose your mother didn't tell you in advance ignorance just plain stupid ignorance this rarely happens today a mother who's had this experience is not likely to repeat it with her own daughter what's more menstruation has become an acceptable subject of discussion parents talk about it more freely there's film instruction in the schools and even madison avenue with its advertising on subjects formally considered beyond the pale all of this has had its impact hopefully the subject will come up for discussion at home long before the film strip about menstruation is shown in a girl's health class during the sixth grade [Music] [Applause] [Music] things for myself [Applause] mommy what's this well i guess honey you're old enough not to understand these things those are sanitary pads for me honey you know that mothers have a special place inside them where the babies grow before they come out well each month in a grown a sort of soft nasty place builds up and some of the nest is blood and if a woman is going to have a baby she needs this nest for the baby to grow in now let me tell you what the pads are for if no baby has started there then the blood in the nest isn't needed and it just dribbles out of the vagina for a few days and then a fresh new nest place starts building up that's what the pads are for to catch the blood does it hurt it shouldn't it's something that happens to every girl when she grows up different children require different variations on this theme depending on where they are and what they've heard before again we try to explain to them in a simple way just what they really want to know certainly the child at this point has not been given the whole picture but if the parent has laid the groundwork carefully this will be merely another step toward full understanding i never had a good enough understanding myself to really explain things few parents uh even those eager to explain the physical nature of menstruation seem to have the essential know-how let us look now at how the endocrine glands work when a girl begins to occur and menses begin in girls between the ages of 10 and 15 hormones from the pituitary gland in the brain cause the ovaries to secrete ovarian hormones which stimulate the development of the female traits the hips fill out the breasts develop hair begins to grow and the uterus enlarges as puberty progresses a cycle emerges wherein the ovary erupts an egg each month at about the time the lining of the uterus reaches its peak of development the egg passes through the fallopian tube the place where fertilization occurs and the stage is then set for fertilization with the sperm if the egg is fertilized it settles into the lining of the uterus if there is no fertilization menstruation occurs since the uterine lining or that nasty place little mary was told about is not needed to nourish the fertilized egg it is sloughed off this sloughing off of the broken down cells and blood from the lining of the uterus and their discharge through the vagina is what menstruation actually is and when did you first learn about menstrual periods oh i really can't remember i just always sort of seemed to know something about it and i knew that i'd have them someday i do remember though when i started to develop my mother reminded me that i'd probably be starting soon and that's when she went into the sort of information that you gave in the animation not as clearly as that but i felt i knew what the score was and then she did a very practical thing she gave me a belt and a pad and i was all set most of my friends mothers didn't do it this well though among my friends it really ran again about what they knew and what they didn't know well now that you are a woman of experience having had menstrual periods for several years looking at the information that you received before you started how would you evaluate it well my mother was pretty realistic but i think i was a little misled by some of the booklets and films that we saw there was too much that was rather flowery what i mean is everything was either delightfully benign or scientifically factual and was so detached from me none of the nuisance elements were brought out and really that's what's the biggest headache to most girls no one ever mentions that you can wear two pads on a heavy day or the tampons are all right even if you aren't married the fact is a lot of girls do get cramps in the first couple of days and i know then i'm limited for some sports you mean that what you really needed to know is that menstruation is a nuisance but not something terribly unpleasant oh i don't know but after a few periods a girl becomes very aware of some of these nuisance factors really they're just inconveniences for the most part of course it's nothing like in my mother's day not nearly so restricted you should hear my mother laugh about her high school gym class all the ladies who were having their periods had to get in their gym suits then they sit along the sidelines radiating their attainment of womanhood and smugly enjoying their femaleness while the rest of them whacked the volleyball they don't do it that way anymore perhaps you've heard some of the old wives tales about don't take a bath don't wash your hair don't eat pickles while you're menstruating but one thing i do want to point out and that is that some girls who do have severe cramps and are confined to bed during their periods make the mistake of accepting this as par for the course these girls can be helped and they should see their doctors but for most young women menstruation despite all of its annoyances is a sign of maturity and good health well i for one am glad to put up with it because well it is good to feel that you're a normal healthy girl now i would like to see if we can summarize what we have presented sex education as such is not difficult it is only uncomfortable for parents because of their backgrounds and lack of know-how from our experiences with many people we have tried to bring out misconceptions and facts not well understood and tried to explain them on a scientific basis it should be evident the advantages of starting early with explanations to children if you ask most parents what they really want for their children the answer fundamentally is a good satisfying happy life if we begin early to create an atmosphere of understanding in which the child is allowed to express his real feelings we give honest answers to his questions were well on the road to the kind of parent-child relationship that foster the development of true maturity problems related to sex are not isolated problems but are for all but the rare individual a part of some greater difficulty good communication between parent and child is one of the best ways of preventing problems what is this film really saying first of all that sex is normally and properly a part of each one of us from baby hood on secondly that understanding and acceptance of the normal sexuality of children of all ages is a must for every adult from the innocent exploration of his genitals by the tiny baby to the strong powerful feelings of sexuality in adolescence what children need from us is information to answer all of their questions this is a must just to protect them against the misinformation and wrong attitudes that are all around us more than this they need trust in their intelligence in their strong desire to grow up to be good people trusting them with information about sex sets the stage for the development of a sense of responsibility in the management of the powerful feelings that go with sex most of all children need parents who can show love for each other and for their children for in such a home sharing knowledge of this great and universal human experience can only serve to strengthen family ties this film sets the stage for the real sex education that will be needed in later adolescence when boys and girls start dating when they need not only information but plenty of opportunity to discuss with each other and with trained adults the many problems and decisions that they'll be faced with about their sexual lives boys and girls need just this kind of help if they're to grow up to be the mature men and women that we want them to be capable of making responsible decisions in all areas including the sexual one now you've seen the first steps in this process of developing mature attitudes about sex all of us are involved in the process of sex education and of course all of us carry the same goals in our hearts for our children happiness in their own marriages and in their own family lives later on [Music] [Applause] [Music] you