Malton and Hamilton "Take Your Love And Shove It Up Your Heart" 70s comedy LP

Well, folks, we're back again and we have with us now another special guest whom I'm sure you're going to enjoy. And this special guest just recently completed a gayla tour in which he went to Vietnam to entertain the troops over there. And we're very happy to see that he got back safe and sound. And we're going to talk to this patriotic fellow about his trip over there and some of the things that happened to him. And I want you to give him a big round of applause for a guy that's so loyal to go over and do that for our fellas over there. Let's hear it for Mr. Killer Carson. Bring him on, folks. Come on in, Killer. Stay here. Right up front. Right up here. Come on. Hold on. Hold on. Take take it easy. Easy. It's not a fight. >> It's not a fight. >> No, it's an interview. >> Oh, it's an interview. >> Okay. Now, look. Just settle down now. I want to talk to you. Now, I understand you just came back from Vietnam. Is that correct? >> Hey, that's right, folks. I just come back from Vietnam. >> Well, how did you come back? I heard you come back by boat. >> Oh, no. No. We flew back. by way of Air Canada all the way. Eric, >> did you have a safe trip? Did everything go well? >> Matter of fact, we had a very exciting trip. We were flying across Lake Ontario towards Toronto International Airport and one of the engines blew up on the plane. >> One of the engines blew up on the plane. >> Oh yeah, there was a little old lady sitting beside me and she started yelling, "Oh my god, everybody pray." I said, "I don't go any prayers. She will do something religious." So I did. I talk about collection. I mean $8.37. [Applause] Now wait a minute now. Did you have the same trip though? Everything went well. >> Well, we were flying along a little bit further. See, and I'll be damned if the other engine didn't blow up. >> The other engine blew up. >> Oh yeah. So by this time the pilot, he come back on the little intercom. See, he said, "Ladies and gentlemen," he says, "Our plane will not make the airport unless we lose some weight." He says, "Three people will have to give up their lives to take the rest of the lives on the ship." See, so the English fell, he gets up. He walks over the door and he yells, "God saved the queen." And he jumped out of the plane. >> That's noble. >> I thought it was noble. Then this French fella, he gets up. He walks over door to plane. He yells, "Be a frost." And he jumped out. >> The gall of that fell. >> And then this big tall Texas, he gets up. He walks over door to plane. He yells, "Remember the alimony." And he threw a hunchkin right on the plane. [Applause] I got >> I hold it. I hold it. I hold it. enough. You did ultimately make the airport all right. >> Well, yeah. It was a little embarrassing though. I unbuckled the wrong belt. That's why I got the defenders on now. >> Well, let's leave that for a while, killer. Let's talk about your trip in Vietnam. Now, what exactly were you doing in Vietnam? >> I was entertaining the troops. >> Entertaining the troop. >> I mean, like, how were you entertaining the troops? >> I was exhibition fighting with all these guys over there. Okay. Exhibition fight. >> Exhibition fights. Well, what was what was your toughest fight? The toughest fight I had was with this guy by the name of Bone Crusher Willis. >> Bone Crusher Willis. >> Oh yeah, this guy was a brood. He must have weighed at least 90 pounds. >> 90 lb. >> Oh yeah, that was wheelchair and all. >> Well, what happened? What happened anyway? >> Well, folks, the bell rang for Bruton. I kind of went out there jaggling with my footwork. All of a sudden, he hit me with the left and I had a left and something left and I had a left and something left and a half and I went down. So, as I was getting up, I hit myself in the right just to break down the monot. Okay. So, in between a second and a third round, I'm kind of feeling grim cuz this guy's been fighting dirty. He stuck his crutch right in my eye. So, I said to my trainer, I said, "This guy's killing me. This guy's slaughtering me." I said, "This guy is literally massacrating me." He said, "What do you mean killer hasn't laid a glove on you?" I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "You mean to tell me that he hasn't laid a glove on me?" He says, "That's right." I said, "Well, you better go out there and check the referee cuz someone's certainly beating the [ __ ] right on me out there. I'll tell you that." Oh, hold it now, killer. Hold it. Now, settle down. Now, did did you did you ultimately go on to win the fight, killer? >> Hey, well, I would have won the fight, but he dropped his iron lung on my foot. That man finished right there. >> Well, let let's leave the fight game. Let's leave the fight game. Killer, let's talk about your family for a while. How's your wife? >> She's better than nothing. >> I don't mean that. I mean, how's she been lately? >> Compared to what? >> No. Kill her. >> Kill her. How is your wife feeling? >> Well, I got to be honest with all these folks. My wife is a little bit perturbed with me right now. She's mad. See, I got to kind of explain the reason why because well, a few months ago, three to be exact. See, my wife brought into this world our fourth child. And it was another boy. And this is why she's mad. Uh cuz we got four boys now. And when we first got married, she said to me, "Killer." She always called me killer. She's a killer. All I want out of our marriage is a nice little girl. And we've ended up now with four boys. And she's mad. >> Well, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold the killer. You never mentioned to me in any other interview that we had that you had any kids at all. >> Oh yeah, I got four kids. Four boys. Nice kids. >> Now you honestly have four boys. >> Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Nice kids. Nice kids. >> Well, look, for my benefit, the benefit of the people here this evening, what are the name of your four boys? >> Oh, my wife named them all. Adolf, Rudolph, get off and stay off. [Applause] Killer. Killer. Uh, is that all the members of the family that you have? >> Oh, no. We got a little dog in the family, too, you know. >> Yeah. Little dog. >> Well, he's a trick dog. >> A trick dog. >> Well, he does a trick on the wrong trick in the kitchen and all. >> I shouldn't have. >> Hey, hey, hey. I got him fixed last week. >> You got him fixed. >> Well, I actually didn't get him fixed. He froze the fire hydrant. I had to cut him loose. [Applause] >> What's What's the name of your dog? >> We call him Sam Spade. [Applause] >> Uh, did did you always call him Sam Spade? Oh, no. No. Before that, we used to call him Timex. See? >> Why did you call him Timex? >> He was a watchdog. >> How does your wife put up with you? >> How does your wife put up? >> What do you mean? How did my wife put up with me? You don't know how I got to put up with my wife, buddy? >> For instance. >> For an instant, she's always making me do embarrassing things. >> Like what? >> Well, like the other day, she sends me up to the new Kmart up here to buy her a new bazir. Now, this is embarrassing. Especially when I got there, I couldn't remember the size. I couldn't think of the size of my wife's bra for life when I say, but I got a brain wave. I decided, see, I would look around the store. I could see somebody built just like my wife. I could go over and ask, you know. >> Sure enough, folks, in the store, there was one built just like my wife. So, I walked over and said, "Sir, now this guy was mad. >> This guy was mad." So, I went home without the veneer. So, my wife to me, "Where's my vag?" I said, "I haven't got it." I said, "I'm not going to get you one. You got nothing to put in a damn thing. >> Well, you wear undershorts, don't you? >> Hold on, hold on, hold on. Let's leave that area for a while. Killer, >> killer, I want to know something. Are Are you the only athlete in the family? >> Oh, no. The whole family athlete. >> The whole family? >> Oh, yeah. You probably heard of my uncle around here. Stroker Carson. >> Stroker Carson. >> Stroker Carson. >> Stroker Carson. You never heard of Stroker Carson? >> Wait a minute. Has anybody heard of Stroker Carson? >> Me? >> You have? >> Yeah. >> Who is he? >> He's my uncle. >> I mean, no big deal. So, >> well, he he's hold the world record for the swimmers. See, Stroker Carson, he holds the world record, ladies and gentlemen, for swimming the English Channel. He once swam from England to France. It took him 8 hours and 37 minutes. But he come back from France to England in two seconds. And that's the world record. And never a minute. Wait a minute. Just a minute. Your uncle went from England to France. It took him 8 hours and 37 minutes, >> which is pretty damn good. >> That's not bad. But he came back from France to England in 2 seconds. >> 2 seconds. That's the world record. Never been broken. >> How the hell did he do that? >> Well, his jock strap was caught in the pier. [Applause] >> Wait a minute. Now, is that the only athlete you have in the family? >> Oh, no. No, no. The whole damn family athletes. I have an aunt who's a world record bowler, too. That's my aunt Marilyn Crotch Meyer. She's on my mother's side. >> Marilyn Crotire. >> Marilyn Crotcher. Hey, as a matter of fact, folks, she broke the world record right out here behind this hotel on Lake Ontario. Wait a minute. I'll tell them about it. She was water skiing. See, behind my uncle's boat. >> And she fell off her skis and she holds the world's record. Now, you did it. Wait a minute. Now, just a minute. What are you doing? >> Now, I'm not going to lose this one. >> Now, let's picture this. All right. >> We're going to picture it. We'll >> picture. All right. >> Now, here comes your aunt Marilyn. She's water skiing behind your uncle's boat. >> There's my aunt M. >> Okay. Now, >> hi, Aunt M. >> Now, wait a minute. Now, then she fell off her ski. >> Well, well, there it is. There it is right there, kid. >> Did you see it? There it is. The world record right there. >> The world record for what? >> The 100 yard deuce. >> Speaking, let's leave that area for a while. Killer. Um uh killer let's talk about your dad. How how is your dad? >> My dad. >> Hey my dad is terrific folk. Hey you don't know my dad but my dad is pretty active fella for his age. You know my dad is 85 years old and we go hunting and fishing quite a bit and he's pretty active fellow. You remember last year we went up to the Ambone River folks and it was a great trip. >> Where did you go >> up to the Ambone River? >> It's the Asin. Oh, is that how you seen the boy? >> It doesn't really matter, folks, because this year was a trip of all trips. We had a great trip. We went way up north to eat a kapuchi kings and >> up north the kapuchi kitchen. >> Hold it. >> Hold it. >> What? >> It's Captain Killer. >> Oh, doesn't really matter. Can I tell them what happened on the trip? >> Tell them. Tell them, >> folks. It was a great trip between me and my dad. We went way up to this place and we were doing some ice fishing. See? and it come time to bunk in for a night. So my dad said to me, he said, "Hey, son." He says, "I forgot to bring you an extra sleeping bag." I said, "Well, that's okay, Dad." I said, "We'll bunk in together." See, so you got to get the picture. Me and my dad were way up north in his place called Casis. >> Capiscing. It's about 3:00 in the morning and we're bumped into the same sleeping bag. See, all of a sudden, my father gives me the elbow. He says, "Hey, son, quick, get up." I said, "What's wrong, Dad?" He says, "Son, quick, go get me a woman." >> I said, "Dad." I said, "I'm not going to go get you no woman." He said, "Why not?" I said, "I won't get you a woman for three reasons." >> What? >> Oh, excuse me. Three reasons. I give birth, Dad. I think it's just too damn late. >> It was 3:00 in the morning. >> Where am I going to find a kid at 3:00 in the morning? >> I just injected that. I said, "You're just too darn old. He's 85 years old. He's going to be 86 next month." And I said, "Then third," and which I thought was the most important, I said, "Dad, what you got in your hand is mine." >> Oh, it's been a pleasure. Thanks a lot, big hand for killer. Would you just excuse me for a second, folks? The phone is ringing. Hello. Yes, this is Wayne. What's that? My mother-in-law just washed up on the shore. With a lobster on each one of her big toes. Yeah. Look, send up the lobsters, would you? Reset the date. Thanks a lot, Paul. Okay. Uh, we have our own little Tom Jones tune that we like to do. As I was trying to say, uh, this is something he recorded along the country and western line. Ladies and gentlemen, we have our own little version of this particular tune called the green green grass of home. Yeah, the old town was the same. As I was pushed off the train, but there to meet me was my mama and my papa. [Music] Down the road I looked and there stood marrying. She had a gun going to commit Harry. It's to the touch. The green green brows of home. Hey, the old house is still standing. Well, the paint is cracked and dry. >> And there's the old oak old tree that I used to pee on. [Music] Now the road I love the mayor stood married. Her eyes are bugged out. Someone broke her cherry. Touch the green green brows of home. Yes, they all come to meet me. Oh boy. Arms open, smiling, sweetly. Oh boy. It's good to touch the green green ring of home. Oh boy. [Music] Second. [Music] >> Hey, uh, tell me, Luke, since you've been back here in St. Catherine, have you been getting any on the side? Why have they moved it? [Music] You know, my wife cut me down to once a week. >> Oh, that's nothing. I owe two guys. She'd put it all together. [Applause] >> Well, what do you say we go get some strange stuff? >> Strange stuff? None for me. Well, I got more than I can handle at home, Lex. >> Oh, good. Let's go to your house. [Applause] While I awake and I looked around me [Music] while folks I realized that I was only wet dreaming. [Music] >> Yeah, cuz there was a garden in that sad old pot, right? Well, we'd be a walking arm to arm again. But it would be good to smoke the green green grass of home. Yes. Say all comes to meet me boy. Arms open smiling sweetly. It's going to touch the green green [Applause] of home. [Applause] Uh, you know, I think the only way that we're ever going to get all these requests in is by compiling a whole bunch of tunes into a medley. By the way, by compiling a whole bunch of tunes into a medley, my guy thinks like take all these requests and play them as one unit. You see? And of course, to do this with songs, you can realize how short they'll have to be to get them all in. But to give you an idea how they'll go, it'll be something like this. You see, you have to kind of listen very closely for your favorite song. >> Okay. Uh, here's one I think everybody remember. Goes like this. Hey Nelly, she took a sleigh ride. >> Took a sleigh ride >> and landed in the snow upside down. >> And for miles they could hear her screaming. My ass is in the cold cold ground. >> Nelly bought a dress today. The dress was very thick. >> It was thick. He asked me how I liked it. And I answered with a grin. >> Wait till [Music] here's one that might ring a bell somewhere. Since I met your darling daughter, I've had trouble passing water on my heart. [Music] >> You made you woke me up to do it. You woke me up to do it. Hey folks, let's go back to the good old days for a few tunes. You remember the good old days, honey? Those are the days when falsies were teeth. When a Trojan was a horse. >> When a goose was a barnyard fowl. >> When a frog was overseas. >> All right, we're going back to Goodies for this one. >> They're not making the girls that sweet this year. I wish I was queer. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. >> What? >> You can't sing that in here. >> Oh my. >> You're not supposed to sing that in here. It'll be hard. >> You can't sing that in here. >> Look, don't give me a hard time. Cuz if you're going to do that, how about you sing a song, man? >> Go ahead. Sing it one all by yourself. What are you waiting for? Go ahead. Okay, I will. >> I'm happy. He has a fairy at the wall. >> Wait a minute. What the hell are you singing, Mike? You told me I couldn't sing it. Then you turn around and sing it. Too smart. >> Hey, right now folks, we're kind of happy about this next song because we wrote this one ourselves and we're really pleased with the song. Recall the song. >> He took her into the fog and miss. >> No, no, it's it's not that. It's a little something we wrote herself. We call the song. She wouldn't for a Russian, but she went for a pin. No gang, really. It is that it's a little sign that we put together ourselves and we call a song. >> He didn't like her apartment, so he knocked her flat. >> Would you shut up? What are you doing? The one we wrote. >> It's a little thing we wrote a self kind of plead with the song. We call the song. >> I can't get over a girl like you. So get him answering the phone yourself. >> Now that is it. Mike, you're embarrassing me. I'm announcing a song. Just sit there. >> I don't think we want a song gang. We call a song. >> I'm going to write you a number. I would have bagged that. >> Shut up. >> The name of the song is called I used to go out with the girl from the bank. >> Oh, that one. >> I used to go out with the girl from the bank until I found out she was a teller. >> Okay. pans. He opens her drawers for Dash. >> No, no, no, no, no. >> But all aside, gang, uh we are going to do a song right now that we wrote ourselves and uh we're very privileged to be doing this song because well, it's supposed to be coming out on record. You see, it should be coming out on record within the next two or three weeks, and we're really pleased with it. Uh we wish for you to watch for it's coming out on Bomb Records, and uh it's something entirely new for a record album. It's going to be a 3-in album. and has a 9 in hole and we're kind of hoping they don't. Anyways, gang, we like to play you this song. We wrote this one entirely by ourselves. No outside help whatsoever. And uh well, we call the song It Looks Like Rain in Cherry Blossom Lane. It goes something like this. It looks like rain in Cherry Blossom Lane in Cherry Blossom Lane. It looks like rain. It looks like rain in Cherry Blossom Lane in Cherry Blossom Lane. It looks like rain. We go. It looks like rain in Cherry Blossom Lane. Cherry Blossom Lane. It looks like rain. It looks like rain in cherry blossom lane. In cherry blossom lane. It looks like rain. How you like it so far, babe? Well, actually, you know, uh if you sing along with this tune, it will really grow on you. Would you like to try to sing it with us all together? Now, let's go. It looks like rain blossom lane. They don't even know the word. It looks like rain in cherry blossom lane. >> She knows it. It looks like rain. Cherry lost. It looks like rain. It looks like rain and cherry blossom and lane. In cherry blossom and rain. It looks like rain. It looks like rain. It looks like rain. Cherry blossom lane. It looks like rain. It looks like rain and cherry bloss. We're going ourselves. Dang. [Applause] Well, it's never going to be a real big hit or anything, you know. Uh maybe everybody play your songs. That could be the whole thing tonight. How about if we just change the pace a little bit by telling you a couple of stories. Okay. Well, first of all, we'd like to tell you the story about the king who had three beautiful daughters. Now, this king had a blonde, a brunette, and a red head, you see. And one day, the king decided, well, it was about time one of these lovely girls to get married. So, what he did, he sent to the charming neighboring prince who lived next door. Now, of course, he can ride the end of a cast on his big boy charger. You know the title. Oh, stupid. dumb horse. >> Well, anyways, now uh he looked over the blonde. He looked over the brunette and he looked over the red uh redhead. Mike, which one did he marry? Huh? Was it the beautiful blonde? >> No, he didn't marry the blonde. >> Oh, that's kind of unusual. Then was it the brunette? >> No, he didn't marry the brunette. >> How about that gang? He married a redhead. >> No, he didn't. He married the king. It's a fairy tale. [Applause] >> Uh we would like to try to redeem ourselves if we could after that gang. And we're going to team up right now and tell you another story about a little snake. And the little snake was in his pit hissing. And one day his mother along. So what are you doing something? Hing the pit. How many time they told you nothing in the pit? If you want to hiss in the pit, why is this pot's house? This is her pit. So thinking pot's house. He started hissing in her pit. Well, now of course Mrs. Pot come along. So what are you doing? Sunny hing in the pit. You look at why you home in your own p. I was home and I was hing my own pit. My mother told me I couldn't h the pitch. You're going to go back over here and h your pit. Secret son. You don't my pit. You're going to pit. You better go back home. Mr. Pit was coming back home. He started hitting his pit again. Well, of course. What are you doing? Your name's in the pit. Well, look, I didn't tell you what Mr. Po is her pitt was in her pit. And Mrs. Pot told me to put the pit to come back home. This is my own pit. She doesn't hurt that Mrs. Pot. I remember the day she didn't have a pit to hiss in. We better get out of here with this medly of tunes, Mike. I can feel a tomato coming our way. Uh, we're going to end off this little medley of songs with something that was sent to us by Michael's grandmother. Sweet old soul. Everybody remembers Mike. I hope he's still playing with Zorgan near my left. Anyways, folks, as we sat up on our knees a few weeks ago, she taught us this song. And it goes something like this. along your old green panties that used to be your granny's and we found in the barn by they had a hole in the middle where grand in his good old way that's all >> well right now uh we'd like to get this tune over with early uh it's a song that Mike and I have been really having some difficulties with gang uh actually it's not the tune in itself but the type of a tune that it is it's a song that's really sung in two parts. One part sung by male and an answer part that's sung by female. And it creates quite a problem. I'm sure you can appreciate it. But nonetheless, we're going to try our luck with a tune that is along these lines. Something called Cinderella Rockabella. Or when you were the daughter of a butterfly, I was the son of a bee. [Music] [Applause] [Music] You're the lady. You're the lady who I love. >> You're the lady. You're the lady who I love. >> You're the lady. >> I'm the lady. >> I love your touch. >> Thank you so much. >> I love your eyes. >> I love your chin. >> Say it again. >> I love your chin. Chin chin chin chin. Rockabella Rockabella [Music] Rockabella Rockabella. >> You're my Cinderella. >> It's in the right place. >> That's very kind. [Music] [Applause] >> You're the lady. You're the lady. [Music] You're like, >> I love your touch. >> I love your eyes. >> I love your chin. >> I love your chim chim chin chim chim. >> I love you. >> I love you. >> I love you. >> I love you. >> I love you. >> I love you. >> I love you. Okay, a little bit of Cinderella rock. >> Well, you know, we're coming back next set with our first special guest of the evening and uh a matter of fact, we're kind of making an apology right now. We were supposed to have our first special guest up with us this set and that was to be our lovely female female vocalist, the beautiful Julia Farquart. But unfortunately, while Miss Fararter has been on a bender all week and >> Yeah, Jack bender. He's a hell of a guy. But uh that's another story. But we will have a special guest rolling up with his next set. Now, folks, please don't go too far away. But listen, just before we do go, I know that there's going to be a lot of you people out here that are bored to death with television and radio commercials. Now, we realize that they do get on your nerves and even door to door salesman coming around, you know, knocking on your doors, always trying to sell you something all the time. Well, Mike and I don't want to bore you folks, but a few months ago, we were introduced to this fabulous new product. Now, we thought the product was just great, and we invested some of our own money into this product, and well, we don't want you taking us the wrong way, gang. We're certainly not trying to push or sell anything, to you. Well, all we would like to do is mention this thing, to you, and Michael, you seem to know a little bit more about this than I do. So, why don't you tell these folks about our brand new product? >> You want me to? >> You tell them, Mike. You know a little bit more about it than I do. So, >> Okay. >> Okay. Here's here's Mike, folks. Um, I got to have the lady's attention. I must have the lady's attention and the fellas, too, just in case your wife or your girlfriend happens to send you out for this product. But I want you to realize right now, you cannot go out tomorrow and buy this product because um, well, um, we've had a few delays and it's not quite on the market yet, but for you ladies, it's a brand new detergent and it's called Buds. >> Stuff is great. >> Can you see it down there over here in the back room? Now, unlike other detergents, this one is really different. Yeah. >> You know these other detergents, they talk about their whiteners and their brighteners and their green crystals and their enzymes. >> Well, forget it, ladies. That's a thing of the past. >> This is it. >> Because this stuff is so new and so different. This not only whitens. >> That's right. >> This not only brightens. >> Oh, you want to believe it. >> But with KX, this dries the damn clothes and packs them in the drawer. >> Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And every product on the market today has a model. You know, like Ben won't wear off and the lemon wives and the Wilkinson blades. Well, I stayed up the other night and I thought up a model for our product. So when it goes on the market and you ladies see it for the first time associated with Wait a minute just for a second. You didn't even tell me about this. >> Gee, I forgot. >> You forgot? Well, Mike, I got money in the product. Why don't you tell me what you're thinking about for crying? >> Well, I I Well, do you want to hear it? >> Hear what? the model. >> Oh, well, of course, if you have a model, let's hear it. >> Well, anyway, this is the model for our product going on the market very shortly. And our model goes, if Oxidol won't ox it >> and does won't do it, >> I got you. We got to make a break. Don't fly away. [Music] [Applause] How many years you've been married, folks? >> One. That's a record. >> First year of marriage. Oh, how they danced on the night they were wed. They danced and they danced cuz the room had no bed. Oh, yeah. had hammocks. They can't be done. >> Job just can't be done. Gary, we have a little song that might bring back this whole thing. You know, a year ago tonight was his uh honeymoon night. And I don't know if it would have been around this time of the night or not, unless he was a old devil. He might have. >> You never know. But if it was, uh, anyways, we can bring it all back by way of song. I think everybody can kind of go back to their honeymoon night. Uh, Gary just has to go back a year. Some of you, by looking around, have to go back quite a few years. But nevertheless, Gary, no, really. A little something that might bring the whole thing back to mind. Something called the bridegroom's lament. We got married last Friday, a sunny June and July day. And much later on, when the folks had all gone, we stood side by side. We got ready for bed. Then we were glad to be wed. Then her false teeth and hair she laid on the chair side by side. >> One glass eye to follow. >> A glass eye. >> A wooden leg so small. >> A wooden leg. >> A wooden arm so hollow. >> Am her fy she left on the hall. I walked up to the bed. Then I wondered what I had went then. >> So I slept on the chair. >> There was more of her there. Side by side remaining. Side by side. Hearts of a lady. Side by side. Oh jeez. Thank you very much. >> Okay. Well, right now folks, it's sex education time. [Music] >> Ah, yes. Everybody can use a little bit of sex education, ladies and gentlemen. And you know, our society is even smartening up because they're teaching sex education in school these days. And this is very good. You just take a few years ago, for example, when Mike and I were going to school. We never got any sex education. >> Y'all know I flunk sandbox. >> I remember that. Uh, anyways, Gad, that just goes to prove it to you. Oh, we have a kitten going to the sandbox. There she goes. >> Mention my name, dear. You'll get a good seat. Beaver. >> Anyways, folks, we have a little song we think is going to help out everybody. The young, the old, the married, the singles, the fellas, and the gal like. Now, we've heard it's either this or tie your cords. It's something called the pill. >> Sometimes known as absorb bean junior. But >> what the hell are you saying? [Music] If the world's population explosion is making you feel rather ill, well, the doctors have said you can jump in today and put all your faith in the pill. So, put all your faith in the pill. Put all your faith in the pill. The doctors are saying you can jump into bed and put all your faith in the pill. [Music] >> Now, the pill is a birth control method. The best one develops to date. You get someone's daughter to take one in water. There's no mess and no time to wait. So, put all your faith in the pill. Put all your faith in the pill. The doctors have said you can jump into bed and put all your faith in the pill. [Music] It's been proven and tried by the Russians. The Chinese now make them at home. Oh, it may not be true. Word has leaked through. They're now being tested in Rome. Uh-oh. Put all your faith in the pill. Put all your faith in the pill. The doctors have said you can jump into bed and put all your faith in the pill. [Music] Now, the pill is a wonderful tonic. It's good for what hails you all right. for very close pains or growth on the brain. You're good for us every night. So, put all your faith in the pill. Put all your faith in the pill. The doctors have said you can jump into bed and put all your faith in the pill. [Music] So, throw out your oldfashioned methods as you joyfully leap into bed. Yahoo! Take your saran wrap back into the kitchen. use it for cooking instead. So, put all your faith in the pill. Put all your faith in the pill. The doctors will send you jump into bed and put all your faith in the pill. [Music] So, here's to the boys in the bathroom. The chemist will not die. They're working there still on a birth control pill. [Music] That's 50% Spanish. Put all your faith in the bill. Put all your faith in the pill. The doctors have said you can jump into bed and put all your faith in the pill. Put all your faith in the pill. Put all your faith in the pill tonight. [Applause] [Applause] from now. Mey white man go to the washroom. >> Oh you know pale face go to washroom. Mey trail. >> Hi red brother. What tribe are you from? Oh, me from the halfass Indians. >> You from the halfass Indians. What pride is that? >> The semiholes. [Applause] >> Well, tell me big red chief, what tribe you from? from virgin tribe. >> You from virgin Indian. What tribe that >> the cherry [Music] >> me have to call my daughter 99 cents. Why you call daughter 99 cent? She's always under a buck. chance. [Music] >> Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You don't say chance. You say how. >> We know how. Me want chance. Down from the city wallow down. >> Why you crying, red brother? >> My squad died last night. Your squad died last night. >> She drank 97 cups of tea in a half an hour. >> That don't mean nothing how she died. >> She drowned in her own teepee. >> We need to get a operation. You need them get them operation. >> Yeah, we need them. Get them circumcised. >> You need them get them circumcised. >> Yeah. He go to doctor and he tell me he can do them but he going to charge me $75. >> $75 too much. >> Well, me go to another doctor and he tell me he can do them for $55. [Music] $5 too much. >> Then what you do? >> Well, me finally go to some crack and he tell me he can do the job for 2378. Somebody >> too much. [Applause] >> Tell you what, Red brother. We going to give you real deal. >> Okay. Me do them for 25 cents. You're going to do them for 25 cents. >> Yeah. Me do them for two bits. >> Okay. Two bits. You got them deal right here. You're going to do them right here? >> Yeah. Let me do them right here. Right now. Ready? [Applause] >> Just a minute. >> Okay. Are you ready? [Music] Hey my [Applause] [Music] too [Applause] Okay, our knees are gone. Thank God. >> There we go. Uh, for you folks that were around at the end of last set, you must have heard Mike speaking about a great new wash day discovery that we're trying to promote called FUG. Well, we have another product and I think you're going to find this one equally as interesting, gang. And this is a brand new breakfast cereal on the market and it's called Formula H. We all see the box down here. Formula H. What it really stands short for is Dr. Fletcher's adulterated hormone cereal. Oh yeah. This is something entirely new, gang, because it's for the old guys and gals that just don't have the u well they don't have the uh well, they're not doing it right anymore. I I I guess that's the best I can put. Listen, for anybody who's interested in this, we got the ingredients on the box. It's made from 9% sugar corn flakes. 1% post toasties and 90% pure Spanish fly can't be all that bad now can it oh and we even have the directions gang you don't have to worry about an overdose or anything if you're say between the ages of 35 and 50 one bowl full of this stuff every morning should do the trick although if you're between 50 and 60s the manufacturers suggest a bowl and a half just to be safe and if you're as old as well say over there that lady with the glasses on you're supposed to eat the whole box before you go to bed folks really now listen folks we don't know for sure because it's been an experimental program right now, but we are getting a few results back. And as a matter of fact, we have with us tonight and very privileged to have with us tonight a lady who has been in the test program on a serial for the last couple of days. She's a girl right from St. Catherine's here. I think we all know her. Mrs. Lot of Puke. Where are you, Mrs. Lapuke? Are you here? >> Well, I'm sorry to bring you up so early, Miss Puke. Uh, but I understand that you have been in our test program for the last few days. Is that right? Well, yes, I have. >> Listen, honey. How has the cereal been working out for you? >> Well, I'm suing the damn company. >> You're suing the company? >> Yes. >> Well, what seems to be the trouble? >> Well, the other day, I gave my husband a bowl full, you know. >> Yeah. Uhhuh. >> And and about 10 minutes later, he jumped out of his chair. >> He did, eh? >> And he ripped the tablecloth off the table. >> Probably going to hell. >> And he threw me on the table. And for 10 minutes, it was the wildest you ever seen in your life. >> Well, hell, man. And that's what the cereal is made to do, folks. It's made to do that, you see. >> And they won't let us back in the Lancer restaurant anymore. >> Folks, we got to bring it back. We'll be right back. >> We have a little song right now that has been requested. It was recorded u by Mr. Ray Stevens. I don't know if the name Ray Stevens rings a bell with any of you folks out there, but >> anyways, folks, Ray Stevens is quite a recorder of novelty tunes. This is one of his very first that he ever recorded. A tune called Ahab the Arab by request. >> Well, you don't look so [ __ ] out of yourself, lady. [Music] [Music] Hey, let me tell you about Ahab the Arab. She got the bird s. He had arms and roof resist dripping off of him and a ring on every finger of his hand. He had a big old turban wrapped around his head with a sone by his side. I every evening about midnight he jump on his camel named fly. [Applause] [Music] Now we're he seeking to meet up with Fatima. Now she was the swingingest number one dancer of the whole Sultan Seven Herms. Well, him and her had a scene going well like you know they've been carrying on for some time behind the Sultan's back. And as he rode on through the still not desert air, you could hear him probably talking to his camel and he would saya [Laughter] [Music] I think I've hurt myself. [Music] Which is Arabic for I've been humped before, but this is ridiculous. Well, then Clyde would say Get off my back. >> Well, he brought that camel to a screeching halt in the rear of tent. Now he jumped out collide and snuck around the corner and into the damp he was laying on. She was drunk and she had a ring on her finger with a bell on her toe and something up her nose. Uhoh. Well, there she was, friends and neighbors. Just laying there in all her radiant beauty, eating on a raisin, an apricot, a bowl of chip, three bananas, a Hershey bar, sipping on an ROC Coca-Cola, reading that magazine, watching a grand older while she s does cuz your chewing gum lose its flavor. >> Your chew gum lose it flavor. >> Ahab walked up to her and he said, Oh, [Music] which is there to make for I've been pumped before, but even this is ridiculous. Well, then she would say [Laughter] Around and around and around. That's a story about Ahab. She go s I said Ahab A. She go the B Sands. All righty. A little bit. Today's special on the light lunch was a little upsetting for me. I guess it's, you know, it's a delicacy around in different places, but I couldn't eat it. I couldn't bear to eat it. It was roasted tongue, you see, in a salad. >> It looked all right. >> I know. I didn't say it didn't look all right. I just couldn't bear to eat it. I mean, anything that come out of an animal's mouth, you're going to eat that? >> What What did you have? I had an egg sandwich. >> I I I you know I never really looked at it that way. You got a point though. Well, you didn't even have the tongue. You're the big mouth and you didn't even have that either. What did you have? >> Oh, I had a plate of kiddleys. >> Plate of what? >> A plate of kiddley? >> No. No, Mike. It was kidneys. >> That's what I said, didn't I? Anyways, folks, try to come on down for some a lot of fun here next Saturday afternoon for our happy hours. We have reduced prices on the drinks also. So, come on down, have a bit of fun. You know, while I'm thinking of this, um, since we've come back into St. Catherine's here, you know, a lot of people have been asking us, you know, is this all you guys are doing for a living? And maybe while we have a moment here, I'd like to kind of clear up this question. Uh, so many people have asked it to us and well, actually, it is all we are doing for a living now, folks. We are traveling around from town to town and city to city with our little act. But uh we also have investments and we have our own little business right here in town. And uh anytime you could ever use our services, by all means look us up. Uh we have a little diaper cleaning service. It's up on Queens. >> Well, it might sound like a lot of [ __ ] to you, but it's bread and butter. That's for sure. >> I mean, business is crappy lately. >> Well, lately it stinks. It's another story. G, you know, while we're trying to clear up questions. You know, a lot of uh there's another thing that a lot of people ask us and uh we may as well clear it up publicly. Let everybody know who cares really. Uh I know it's very unusual for an entertainer to say this and especially on stage, but a lot of you know, a lot of people come up and say, "You guys aren't really married. Are you are you really are you guys really married?" Well, actually, you know, both Mike and I are very happily married guys, you know, really. And uh you know, but we cheat. Yeah, >> we cheat. So, if you know of any strange stuff sticking around, let us know, you know. I don't want to be honest. Got to be honest in this world. That's all. Thanks. >> Oh. Oh. Hello. Uh. Yes. Operator. I >> Well, I hurry up, Mike. >> Well, oh, okay. Um, yeah. Put it through. Okay. It's long distance, folks. I have to answer. Oh, hello. Yes, my my what? It from the blood of the world over the world and keep after you went to the but you what? [Music] >> Mike, would you please hurry this up? These people are waiting to see old yulip. >> Mike, please. >> Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Wait a minute. Um. Uh. No. I can't talk to you right now because No, you don't understand. You see, we're on right now and I have Well, that's all right. It was an emergency. But I'll tell you what. Uh um G give me about 5 minutes and and and I'll phone you back. Good. >> Yeah. Well, yeah. Just Yeah. In five minutes. That's all right. It was an emergency. I'll I'll call you by then. Okay. All right. Bye-bye. >> Okay, folks. We do have to take a very short break. >> Oh, what's wrong with you? >> Oh, there's nothing wrong. >> Look at Don't start yelling at me, man. You've been miserable all night. You're starting to slam the phone. You're yelling dirty words and everything. Folks, we got to think about >> Well, my dog died. >> Mike, I feel terrible. I mean, I I wouldn't have yelled at you if I would have known that. What? What happened? Did he get hit by a car or something? >> No. >> Well, probably old age, but you know, obviously got to go. >> No, he ate the dead horse meat in the barn and and he died. >> He ate the dead horse meat in the barn. Mike, what happened to your horse? >> Well, the barn caught on fire and it burned down and kill that dog ate the meat and died. >> You're kidding. Your barn was on fire. >> Yeah. What happened there, Mike? Was it lightning that hit the barn or something? >> No. >> Well, was it kid with kids kids with matches around a around the barn or around the silos? >> What was it, Mike? >> What was it, Mike? >> It was the sparks from the house. >> Sparks from the house. >> He had a house. Got fired and sparks jumped over the barn and burned down the barn to kill the horse. And that bloody dog ate them. That means your house was on fire, too. >> Yeah. >> What happened there? Was, you know, bad wiring or something in the house? >> No. >> Uh, was it your wife sleeping in bed again? >> No. Cigarettes? >> It was from the candles. >> From the candles? >> Yeah. You see the candles got the drapes and it went to the ceiling and started on the roof? >> And it sparked up over the bar and burned down the bar. >> Yeah. Okay. That damn dog ate the for. >> Would you wait a minute for a second, Mike? Now you're talking about candles and you've got electricity out of the farm. What candles are you talking about? >> The ones around my mother-in-law's coffin. See, my mother-in-law died. They put the candles around the coffin and the candle got in the dra and it went to the ceiling and set it on the roof and his bike opened the bar and burned down the barbecue. And that bloody dog is amazing. You never [Applause] Well, it's all on the count of my wife. >> Your wife? Yes. She ran off with a notepad when my mother-in-law found out she had a heart attack and died and they put her in the coffin and the camel got in the face and went to the ceiling and started on the roof and the fire jumped over the fire and burned down the fire and killed a horse. The dog ate the meat and died. Other nappers on a damn thing wrong. >> Oh, come right back on three. Let's just don't go too far away. [Music] [Applause]