Jay Leno on Tonight Show Johnny Carson 1980s KCST San Diego

[music] Thank you. Thank you very much. [applause] [cheering] Very exciting to be here. Very exciting. As most of you know, the new TV season starts what? Another 2, three months. Sarah, this is my favorite time of year to watch TV. Middle of summer cuz you always turn on that TV, you see shows you never heard of. Then you look up in TV Guide and all it says, "This is a pilot for a show not on the fall schedule." See, the networks are pretty smart. What they're saying to you is, "Hey, we know our shows are bad. We just want to show you how bad they could have been." You know, some NBC favorites coming back with the 18 coming fifth season. You like this program? >> Yeah. >> Now, now see now, now a lot of you probably don't like it for the same reason I don't like it. Boy, you missed the first two or three minutes. It's so hard to follow, huh? Gee, that complicated story and that surprise ending where the car goes in the water. Who would have guessed that was going to happen again this week? What's [applause] what's the premise of the 18? You have these Vietnam veterans wrongly accused of a crime hiding out from the police. Right? Let's analyze the characters. Got Mr. T, the black guy, muscles, chains, big strike down his head. George, the white guy, silver hair, big cigar, two male models, a woman in a bikini. They're in a black van with a red stripe, a wing on the top. Mr. T's driving, and the cops are going, "We can't find them. WHERE THE HECK THEY COULD BE. BOY, you see what USA Today said about the You ever read this? USA Today. What is this? It's like America's biggest school newspaper or something. Is that I always feel like they should have a think and do page on the back of this. [applause] Now, they said the A Team was the most violent show on TV, which is not really fair because if you have kids, you know, the most violent thing on TV IS WHAT? >> CARTOONS. SURE. I MEAN, IF YOU'RE A 5-YEAR-OLD KID, YOU WATCH CARTOONS all day. And I think this is a reasonable analogy. Child think if you take a stick of dynamite, put it under a dog's tail and set it off. The dog's eyeballs go. Kids think you hit a dog with an axe, YOU GOT TWO DOGS. Some dog owners here, pet owners. Do you like My wife has got a cat and uh last night I bought the wrong brand of cat food, so today the kitty wouldn't eat. Let's put him in the closet for 6 weeks. I think he'll eat. Huh? Not sure I understand the problem. I like dogs. I think women know why men like dogs. Men like to stand up and give lectures and give stupid orders. At least the dog will pretend to be interested in what the guy's saying. You ever seen men yell cats, kitty, COME OVER HERE? [laughter] THAT kitty is so stupid. If I don't get in here, you know, dog will sit there pretend to take notes while a guy's talking. Some men will talk to dogs for hours. After college, I started my own business. I didn't wait for someone to feed me. Cats run away. [applause] My wife's cat ran away for three days. Sends me out in the middle of the night driving around looking for the cat like the cat's going to stick to the main road. Well, [applause] [applause] now if he's trying to get to Ventura, I think 101 is his best bet. Huh? After 3 days, the cat comes la de back into the house again like an idiot. I say, "Where have you been?" First of all, the cat's going to lie anyway. I got to buy Friskies buffet. [laughter] And what a money maker this is. I don't mind buying the friskies. I just hate setting up that stupid buffet every night. Hot lights are silly hat. [applause] Dog food is just as stupid. What's that? Gainsburg burgers. G. This is dog food shaped like a burger. Why? To save the dog the trouble of forming a little patty himself. Boys rolled it on that doggy barbecue with a doggy champagne. Cuz by the time we get out of here tonight, the only thing open is that Ralph's Market on Sunset. You turrets, you've been down there 24-hour supermarket. Best time to go anytime after midnight. Then it becomes like a Fellini casting call in this place. [laughter] All sorts of trolls and mutants wandering through the aisles. People with no birth records of any kind. [laughter] They always have some sort of druid slumped over the register. So is that nest of junkies festering in the cookie aisle down there. Go sign a light down the cookie alis at RALPH'S AFTER MIDNIGHT LIKE THEY ALL SCATTER. All the malamars and moon pies been broken into. Saw a 5 lb bag of sugar suck dry in there one night too. [applause] I mean you [cheering] [applause] I mean you walk down the aisle and they've got contraceptive foam on the same shelf as cheese whiz. What do you want, honey? YOU WANT A COOKIE? YOU WANT TO MAKE LOVE? WHAT DO YOU feel like? Come on. How can you name something whiz and expect people to BUY IT? IF I PICK UP A product and I see whiz on the label, I'm going to read the ingredients very carefully. Exactly how much Whiz is in there. Hey, you've been great. [cheering and music] [music] [applause] >> I love it very much. That's funny stuff. >> Thank you. The mutants at the All Night Market. >> The mutants at the All Night Market. Boy, that is strange. >> Great place to get material though, huh? >> Oh, wonderful. >> See some You probably don't remember. They They had a place called the Farmers Market in Los Angeles for a while. I think they closed it now. >> They did. No, they had a fire. >> Yeah. [laughter] >> One of those odd things that just happens when And surprisingly, the place doesn't wasn't doing well at the time either. >> We got to take a break. [laughter] We're coming right back. Stay where you are. >> Good to see you. >> Thank [applause] you. Good to see you again. In fact, I hear I hear him practicing. >> I hear your motorcycles all the time. >> Actually, you probably do. >> We have a mutual complaint here. There we go. Jay said he could hear you practicing the trumpet. He can hear your motorcycles. >> But his keeps the coyotes away, which is [laughter] >> You are a motorcycle nut, aren't you? >> I do like motorcycles. I uh Now, have you ever ridden that? >> Uh, yeah. I get a little bit scared. >> No, it's a lot. Now, you see now it's attitude. You just have to get up and fall off and get on again. Yeah. >> You know, you know that's the interesting thing about riding motor. >> You wear a helmet when you wear them? >> I always wear my helmet. I always wear my helmet. People you don't even know whenever you ride a motorcycle. They always feel obligated to come up to you and tell you some horrible motorcycle story that happened to somebody they know. >> Usually friend. >> Yeah. I'm in the market the other day. I got my helmet in my hand. I'm just standing in line. This guy says me, "Hey, you ride a motorcycle?" Said, "Yeah, I do." >> "Yeah, my cousin had one of them things. Drove head on into a threshing machine with it." >> Yeah. I GOT HIS FACE SHEARED OFF. HE WON'T BE SHAVING for a while. [laughter] >> Thanks for the tip. I'll try and stay out of the farm belt. You know, you [laughter] not real. >> You don't do it for the macho thing. You do it cuz you like it. >> No, I like it. It's a lot of fun. And if I get a little macho in there, well, why not, you know? >> Yeah. I'm going to talk. You were doing You do a lot of one nighters. >> How many a year? >> Gee, last year I did about 300 of them. >> And you love it, don't you? >> Yeah. I like it because you do it and then when the gig is over, you're on to the next one. You know, it's not like having a job where people, hey, those jokes you sold us last week, well, they're terrible now. We want our money back. You know, you go get out of town next place. >> Anyway, I was going to mention some of these dates. You're going to be uh next Friday, 1 of August at the Spokane Opera House in Spokane, Washington. the 2nd of August, you go to the Adler Theater in Davenport, Iowa. In other words, you jump from Washington >> like the Jolson story, you know, I always like that. See, with Larry Parks, >> August 2nd at the Adler Theater in Davenport, Iowa, and August 3rd at the Florida Theater in Jacksonville. >> That's it. Now, those are big jumps. >> They are big jumps. This is It's interesting routing. You know, you go like Spokane, New York, Seattle. You know, I don't know who put >> Couldn't you play in one area a little longer and then then jump to >> Jackson? My manager has something with the airline. They send me all the way across and then back. Yeah. How do you You've had a lot of success the last couple years. I read about you a lot and uh you handling it well. >> It's kind of like a pyramid scheme, you know. I keep piling it on. Yeah. It's fun. I mean, I have a great time. You know, I've been on the road a long time. So, now it all seems to kind of be coming together, you know. >> Yeah. Does the money make a great deal of difference or is important to you? >> The money. >> Yeah. >> Oh, hey. [laughter] Gosh. Well, the money is that's how you keep score. You know, the odd thing about it is it's it's not like when you make money in a show, the check goes to your manager who gives it to your business manager, gives it to so and so. Then when you work a local club where you get $25 a night to try out your jokes and the guy gives you 25, they go, "Yeah, look at this." $25. >> There's no money you can hold in your hand, which is percentage wise, it's actually more than the other money. [laughter] >> More successful you get, the more people take a little off the top. But that is true. Many performers um just don't see it. It goes to the manager. So unless you have it in your hand, right? >> I guess that's why a lot of actors when they're on the road like to be paid after every show, you know, in in cash. Oh, yeah. >> And they would get out of town. >> You're going to do some late night specials for NBC. >> Going to do some of those. Yeah. Uh sometime in November the first one comes on. So we just started writing those yesterday. You know, you kind of sit down. Two guys going to a bar. What would they say? You know, just kind of take it from there. But yeah, those will be fun. We're going to try something a little bit different. We're going to take it to different cities, >> you know. Uh, I I find when you go to cities that don't normally have a national show, come to them like Cleveland or Philadelphia or Boston or Kansas City or some of these places, the audiences are great, you know, and cuz when you do a special here in town, it's a great town, but people like, >> but I got to drive over the hill of Burbank to see a special. All right. You know, people get kind of jaded, you know. So, when you go to a town, >> people get very excited about it. >> And you're going to sit in a couple of nights for me here? >> Yeah, that should be fun. That should be fun. It'll be great. >> Right. What do you do any political stuff in your in your act at all? I know you touch on what's going on in the country and >> Yeah, a little bit. Uh I got [laughter] actually I was doing as you know well this Sunday I guess is the two-month anniversary of the hands across America. >> That's right. You were involved in that. >> Hard to believe that just 8 weeks ago we had a homeless problem in this country and now it's solved. >> Well, you know what? No, no, no. You see no, it's a wonderful thing and I don't mean to make but you know this this pop psychology approach we have to social this is how people think we affect social change. Now when we want social change in America, what do we do? We hold a rock concert. We walk from Needles, California to Union City, New Jersey. We have a comedy show. See, it's amazing. Nobody's thought to use our best tool for social change. It's called voting. >> Yes. >> You know, could we vote once in a while? Do I really have to stand in a ditch after the American water holding hands with Robert Blake to accomplish something now? You know, that's what it comes. >> All good causes, but sometimes a simplistic simplistic approach. >> Oh, yeah. And sometimes it's so obvious like, you know, I'm watching the news and all these countries seem to hate us. You know, you see all these countries, these signs. No, we just seem like nice people. I don't know. And I had something that happened to me the other day that made me kind of understand why, especially why some poor countries don't like us. I went to Toys R Us to buy my nephew a present. And I see piles and piles of this toy, Mr. Potato Head. How do you explain to the other half of the world that's starving that in America we grow food for amusement? Perfect. [laughter] How do you explain to little Kima somewhere? See the potato Kim? Oh, Kima, eat potato. No, no, Kim, you don't want to eat the potato. You put this little hat on it. >> You're supposed to play with your food, not eat it. >> [applause] >> Take it to where the food is. [applause] We'll take a break. We're coming right back. Sandy Patty.