In the Life: Ep. 2005, "You Are Not Alone"

[Host] "In The Life" is funded in part by the H. van Ameringen Foundation Patricia Kind in honor of her brother Henry van Ameringen and Arcus Foundation the Estate of Richard W. Weiland and by the annual support of "In The Life" members like you. [Host] Across America there's a new awareness among parents lawmakers and educators about the effects of bullying on youth in school. [Sirdeaner Walker] Bullying is not a gay issue or a straight issue. It's a safety issue. It's about what kind of learning environment we want our children to have. [Host] Coming up on "In The Life"... We revisit "Bullycides"- addressing a tragic epidemic affecting our nation's youth. Then we look at how "Live Out Loud" is giving hope to young people by bringing gay role models, like Oscar winner Dustin Lance Black, back to their hometown high schools. [Dustin Lance Black] It's like seriously, if you guys dedicate yourself to one year of a Gay Straight Alliance, I swear to you you guys will be saving lives. ["In The Life" title music] [Janis Mohat] Here comes Eric...by the ski lift in the red, he's coming down. He's doing his pizza shape. And... There he is. [Eric Mohat] What's up? [Janis] The day he killed himself, the main bully went up to him and said, "Why don't you go home and shoot yourself? It's not like anyone would care." And so he did. [Music]. [Sirdeaner Walker] I was cooking dinner when my son, Carl Joseph Walker Hoover, went to his room where I imagined he'd be doing his homework or playing his video games. Instead... I found him hanging buy an extension cord tied around his neck. He was 11 years old. [Music]. [Dontae Taylor] There were problems in high school as far as me being gay. Uhm...I was picked on. When I did try act like I was in the closet, I was... counted out, like singled out on everything you know, and that gave away this and all this other kind of stuff. So I did drop out of school when I was like 16. [Music]. [Robert S. Salem] Generally, bullying means that... something, some kind of, the harassment has to be ongoing. It has to be repeated. It has to be severe, sufficiently severe, so that it has a negative impact on the target. [Girl talking in PSA] "Go to Homecoming with you? I don't think so." [Boy talking in PSA] "Get Away from me you homo." [Eliza Byard] Bullying is different than conflict. Conflict is something happens between peers on an equal level. Bullying is an effort by one individual to exert power over another. [Taylor] They called me fag. There was this R. Kelly song that was out, "Trapped in the Closet", and that was a song that they would sing when I walked into the classroom. [R.Kelly "Trapped in the Closet" song playing] "I'm in the closet. Like man, what the f*** [censored] is going on?" [Taylor] I have tried committing suicide one time and I just realized I just, I just felt like I didn't fit in anywhere and it was nowhere to go. Couldn't tell my family. I couldn't talk to anyone because no one know but, but me. [Salem] Kids who are perceived to be LGBT, even if they don't identify as LGBT, those are the kids that are disproportionately impacted by bullying and, ironically, they're the kids that are most neglected. Anti-gay bullying is... extremely common and more common than we'd like to admit. The term "That's so gay," the term "You're a fag," "You're a dyke," whatever, those kinds of slurs are commonly used in schools around the country. And... what I found in training individuals, training adults is that the, the bullying so often is based on sex stereotypes. [Byard] In 2005 we did a study called "From Teasing to Torment" and what we found is that students across the country identify as the top 3 reasons that students are bullied- their physical appearance, their actual or perceived sexual orientation, and whether they are traditionally masculine or feminine enough. [Ruth Ann Norris] We have so many students that don't realize that their behavior... is... bullying behavior. They have grown up in families and been bullied and so that's what they do, that's how they behave and so the challenge, I think, for schools is to really get children to realize that their behavior is hurtful. [Janis Mohat] Everything flows from the top. If you have an administration that... does not believe that verbal taunting is bullying then... nothing will change. Nothing will change. [Music playing]. [Janis] He was a very, very big baby. Almost nine pounds and 23 inches tall. Didn't have a baby, had a toddler. He was a very gentle soul. He was raised to believe that there was never a reason to raise your hand to another human being. [William Mohat] That they didn't call him Twiggy for nothing. [Janis] Right. [William] It was a nickname in the, the school. [Janis] When he came home with that nickname, most of us know where Twiggy originated from, she was a very thin model and I said, "Are you sure?" "Oh yeah, Mom, yeah. I'm well aware but it's because I look like a twig." [Music playing]. [Janis] These are some of the pictures from Eric. This was in California, Hollywood, that was his last trip. This was... [William] Mentioning someone needs a hug, people would go to him for "Twiggy Hugs" to cheer them up. This slogan up here, "real men wear pink"... [Janis] His favorite t-shirt was a pink t-shirt that had the slogan- "What are you laughing at? This is your girlfriend's pink shirt." Another one that he really liked was- "Tough enough to wear pink." [Music playing]. [William] But he said nothing about the bullying except six days before the suicide itself. It was on a Friday...and uh...Janis... [Janis] He came home from work and he was over the moon. "What's going on?" "Well, the math teacher finally caught the bullies." "Well, wait a minute. What do you mean bullies?" "Well the bully...I have been picked on all year but the math teacher finally put these guys in their place. It was great, mom. He really reamed them out." I said to him, "I need to get involved. I need, I need to go to the teacher." "No, it's handled." [William] Well, I talked to him the next Tuesday briefly and he just said, "Well they're being snarky again" or some comment like that but, you know, he kind of brushed it off as, as not really being all that significant. It wasn't until the actual, the memorial service that we had kids from his classroom come up to us and start telling us, you know, the kind of bullying that he was going through. [Janis] His ear was flicked... paper wads were thrown at him, stuff was shoved into his hoodie... he was shoved into lockers. [William] Poked in the back with pencils, constant verbal abuse. It was... [Janis] Called... [William] Threatened with assault daily. [Janis] Called faggot, homo, queer... gay. [William] Well he was ordered to shoot himself by these two bullies... [Janis] And he did. [William] ...from that class for at, at least two months from what the students were telling us. I mean that's how vicious the bullying was. [Janis] And so he did. [Janis] There he is. [Eric Mohat] What's up? [Janis] Awesome. How was it? [Janis] Never an apology. Never a consequence for the bullies. [William] The, the school knows but they, they never gave these students, to the day they graduated, so much as a detention. The teacher was never spoken to, put on a plan of assistance or anything. It was all swept under the rug. [Janis] If it's the last thing I do, I want a federal law in place identifying verbal bullying as the crime that it is. I want something in place so, so that it will lessen the likelihood of somebody else living my life. [Music playing]. [Byard] I am, myself, a mother and as any parent will tell you one of the toughest things you ever have to do is leave your child at the schoolhouse door. When you think about it every child in this country spends most of their life, most of their waking time in a school and in that context we as parents, we as communities and we as a nation entrust schools with the care, development and character of the young people who are there every single day. So, we owe it to ourselves and to each other to make sure that they're doing their job well. [Music playing]. [Congresswoman Tammy Baldwin] A wide number of states have very general anti-bullying statutes. I think it's close to 30 states who have enacted such legislation but only a handful of them have specifically delineated... helping protect children who are being harassed or bullied on the basis of their sexual orientation or gender identity. [Byard] More than 50 national groups involved with education, civil rights and human rights are championing the Safe Schools Improvement Act- an act that would amend No Child Left Behind. To require that all schools that receive federal funding have an enumerated anti-bullying policy in place at the school level. What we found is you have to name the problem in order to get people to take action. You need a laundry list in there that says race, religion, national origin, sexual orientation, gender identity... if you don't say it out loud, people will ignore it. [TV News Anchor] It is a heartbreaking story for any parent- a young boy bullied so severely that he took his own life. Tonight the boy's mother is hoping her story helps other families before... [Sirdeaner Walker] Carl really just enjoyed life. He was very fun-loving. He was a practical joker. He loved church. He loved the Lord. He loved to play sports and he was really carefree He... wanted to be the first African-American president. He was so excited... when the president was elected. And... when he had problems in school and he wasn't feeling very good about himself, you know, because his father wasn't really active participant in his life, I would tell Carl I said, "Look at President Obama. He he had a single mom too, single parent and now he's the president of the United States. Carl, you can do anything that you want. If you put your mind to it." [Music playing]. Well he was very reluctant to, you know, talk to me about what was going on in school but I knew that something, you know, wasn't quite right by the way he was acting and he had said, you know, after much hesitation he told me that the kids were calling him gay. He had an incident with a female student and it was that he had, she had called him gay, you act like a girl and there was a fight and they were both told that they would have to eat lunch together for the rest of the week or they would face a five day suspension and he was very, very concerned. [Music playing]. There was, after hours so I couldn't contact anybody to find out. No one had called me and, you know, I'm trying to make supper and get everybody else to do their homework and, you know, it just wasn't a really good scene. Uhm... Carl was very quiet...uhm...and then he went upstairs to his room. [Music playing]. And...uhm...you know, life hasn't been the same since. He always, always would give me hugs and he always, always wanted me to do something for myself. One time, he said...there was this sleigh bed that I always wanted. I couldn't afford it...and he said, "You can use the money out of my bank account... to buy the bed" and I wouldn't do it. But that's the kind of kid he was... and I miss him so much... and I will for the rest of my life. But I know that we have a lot of work to do. [Walker] I know that bullying is not a gay issue or a straight issue. It's a safety issue. It's about what kind of learning environment we want our children to have and how far we're willing to go to protect and teach them. I could, you know, stay in my house and cry every day but I really wanted everyone to know... who Carl was. And I wanted people to know my son was not alive because of what happened to him in his environment in school. I could not protect him from the hours of 8 to 3. [Baldwin] I hope that more and more people hear these stories and determine that this should be the last child that is ever in this horrible situation. It's up to adults to protect children and we must take action to do so. [Walker] I think if more families and people realize that they should not pass judgment on folks, on their lifestyle, but that they should make sure all of our children are safe and that their children could be subjected to bullying then I think the Safe Schools Improvement Act would pass. Some people believe that this is simply a rite of passage...and that's wrong. It's a national health crisis and our children are being affected each and every day. [Music playing]. [Music playing]. [Dustin Lance Black] It's... surreal being back here. I know where the challenges of coming from a small town like this. It is tough and a lot of people do look at you like, "Oh well, you know, maybe you can shoot for the middle." You know, I was never really satisfied with that. You know, my memories of North Salinas High School are not embracing of LGBT people. You know, I would hear other students using the word "gays" sort of this derogatory adjective and you're like, "Oh, that's what people think of gay people. Well, I can't let anyone know that I am." My coping mechanism was to disappear or to vanish and be quiet. I was incredibly shy. I think if you asked most students if they knew who I was I think most people would say, "No, I don't remember him." [Music playing]. [Leo Preziosi, Jr.] The point of the Homecoming Project is to get people to go back to their own hometown high school. And after Lance won the Oscar for the script "Milk" I sent his publicist a letter and I think within two weeks we actually had him on the phone, on a conference call, and he's like, "I'm very excited. I want to go back." So we contacted the school and we flew out to North Salinas, California. [Black] It's shocking how little has changed- like really hasn't changed. I think my locker is this one. [Crowd noise]. [North Salinas High School Faculty Member] Let's give a big Viking welcome to alumni, Mr. Lance Black. [Students clapping]. [Black] Hello Vikings. This is such a special day for me to come back to my school. [Students clapping]. I grew up in a conservative, conservative Mormon family. I knew that I was going to hell. I knew that I was less than according to my government, according to my church. So at that point you have two choices, right? You can either... shrink and hide. You start to vanish. Or you can do the other option which is what so many gay and lesbian kids sadly do in this country, you can take your own life. And what I decided to do was to hide and to shrink and to not let anyone know and I cried myself to sleep on more Sabbath nights than I care to remember. Long story short...my mom said, "You know what? Why don't we put you in drama club?" Like, I couldn't even talk in front of three people. Drama club? That sounded like a nightmare but, yes, she did. I went right over there to that theater and one of the theater directors told me the story of an "out" gay man. And at first I was like, "An out gay man? Now, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. That's somebody looking for a fight, right? And then he played me... a speech that this guy gave... [Audio recording of Harvey Milk playing] "I know that you cannot live on hope alone. But without it life is not worth living. And you... and you... and you... you've got to give him hope. Thank you very much." [Clapping on audio recording]. [Black] I was almost 14 when I first heard that speech and that was Harvey Milk, my great hero. And the first time I heard that speech is the first time that I knew, that I really knew, that someone loved me for me. Ten years after he'd given his life for my fight, he gave me hope. And you know what? Yeah, you can clap for that. [Students clapping]. The first step in the strategy of any civil rights movement, which we are all involved in, is to understand that we don't exist in the vacuum... right? Everyone in here, in some way or another, is a minority. I think it's great that we're all minorities. I think it's fantastic. But what's important is that we start to pay attention to any group who is having its civil rights stripped away. You have to fight the status quo. You cannot take "no" for an answer. Never take "no" for an answer and get out there and agitate and make good things happen for yourself. [Students clapping]. Thank you. [Students clapping]. [Preziosi] What's different about the Homecoming Project is we send people back to their hometown high school and, and they are present in their high school and it's an interruption for the school in a really wonderful way. We may have students who may be gay, who are...who may be struggling about coming out and here is this person coming out who's established. They are established in their lives, are established in their careers and here they are just sharing their story. Lance actually spent six hours at the school between, you know, all these different speeches and remarks, he was running around the school and connecting with different teachers. So he was extremely generous with this time and extremely excited to be there. [Student Asking Question] What would you say that the LGBT community has to do and the Christians too, like, to realize that you know we're not evil and we're not these like horrible, horrible people? [Black] I think that politics, above all else, has driven a wedge between LGBTQ people and, and the religious community. But we have to have reconciliation movements where we correct that because there are... religious... god-loving, including myself, gay and lesbian people who should have access to their churches and their mosques and their temples. We should be able to go as well but that's going to take a conversation and we have to introduce ourselves so they can get to know us and then literally that prejudice starts to melt away. [Crowds clapping]. [Student Asking Question] A few months ago I came out to my parents being bisexual and [Students clapping and cheering]. I come from a similar background that you do... [Black] I can't...shh. My parents are...my stepfather's highly religious. He's Mormon and my mother is on the conservative side and I was very afraid of what they would do. Uhm... but, I mean, they said that they were tolerant of me... but... a few days after that they were kind of, you know, very distant from me but I don't hate them for that. Now I know that we can't hate people that don't love us. We have to love them back until they love us back. [Black] Yeah, that's great. [Students clapping and cheering]. [Black] Your gonna make me start crying. [Students clapping and cheering]. [Black] Yeah, we love you. You did something incredibly brave. Thank you. I mean he was me in so many ways. I mean, that was me. I was the Mormon kid but I wasn't as brave as he was. He was so incredibly brave to stand up in front of his class and to do that and to say that. [Male student talking] Actually sent some chills, like down my spine, 'cuz I was shocked. Like the amount of guts you have to say that in front of the whole school... like that takes some bravery. [Female student talking] We're teenagers we need people to be encouraging us because there's so many kids in this world, today I feel, like lost and they want somebody to be able to tell them, "I't's okay, you know, I'm here for you." [Black] It's like, seriously, if you guys dedicate yourself to one year of a Gay Straight Alliance and work really hard to make sure you get some straight people and some gay people and some bi people and some trans people, whatever you can get... [Cheryl Darlington] This day changed North High. It made the foundation for having the Gay Straight Alliance. They've wanted it. They've talked about it. This cemented it. [Black] I swear to you...you guys will be saving lives of the new freshmen coming in, you'll be saving their self-esteems, their self-worth and that's how change happens. It happens really fast. [Darlington] We have a lot of kids that need this. A lot of kids need someone focused in on them that says, "They're good. They're okay. Just the way they were made." [Student talking] I want a hug. [Black] Alright. [Students clapping and cheering]. [Teacher talking] If you can change somebody's life and put one impact on someone today. Imagine the next time he comes...could be bigger, even better for change and for hope. [Student talking]. It's just like, it gives me like hope that I might be able to, like, do something really big also, [Students clapping]. [Black] Hi guys...you know, I didn't want to come here and just be the gay guy. You know, that's one part of me but I wanted them to know that there's more to me than that. I wanted to come to them with a message that is universal. [Teacher] You sat there. [Black] I did. I sat right...I did. When I first heard about doing this Homecoming Project I had no idea would be so revelatory. I had no idea that I would see such great change and it's been, it's been really such an inspiration to me. To see what's happened here thanks to the Live Out Loud Homecoming Project, for me, is inspiring. It makes me want to keep working and doing and I know now that we are doing good. [Students clapping and cheering]. [Music playing]. [Host] Thank you for watching "In The Life." To learn more about the issues in tonight's program or to tell us your thoughts about the show text ITL to six nine eight six six on your mobile phone or visit ITL media org. Hi, I'm Michele Crystal, executive director of In The Life Media. Our mission here In The Life Media is to share the stories of the LGBT community and tonight we want to share with you our personal stories and we encourage you to share with us yours. I didn't actually think of it in terms of being gay. I just thought of it in terms of, "Oh, these girls are pretty and sometimes I want to kiss them." The Sears underwear page held my rapt attention for a long time and was was dog-eared. When I grew up, for many years, I mean through elementary school, through teenage years I had no awareness and honestly this was kind of strange but I had no awareness that really people were gay. I always tell people that I always knew... and that I just didn't know... what the word was for it. We fell in love, we were best friends and we told each other... that we cared for one another and we were 14. I have a little scar here on my wrist and I look at it sometimes and I think, "God, I'm glad that didn't work out" and I I, I hope people know that there there's a rich and fulfilling life that that's waiting for you and it will, it will happen. There is a whole world out there and there are definitely people out there who are just like you, people who want to help you, people who love you and don't even know you know you. "In The Life" is funded in part by- the H. van Ameringen Foundation. Patricia Kind in honor of her brother, Henry van Ameringen Arcus Foundation The Estate of Richard W. Weiland and by the annual support of "In The Life" members like you. [WNET 13 station identification music]. [APS station identification music].