Goodbye Lynn (1972)

[music] [music] >> I don't know. It's weird, but in a lot of ways life is just the same as it used to be. Like my little brother still plays the piano. And my father still reads the paper and smokes his pipe and watches the 6:00 news and has two drinks before dinner. And my mom, you know, still cleans the house and does the cooking and goes to the store. And the world outside my window still keeps going by. My baby hasn't changed any of that. But I guess I feel really different inside. Like I don't know. Everything seems to be a paradox now. Like one thing is two things at the same time. Good and bad. It's It's like well like going to school in the morning. I really look forward to it because like [music] I get so much pressure at the breakfast table that it's just unbelievable. And this deal between my mother and father, well like I had this daydream, I guess, when I found out that that I was pregnant and I knew I had to tell them. I had this daydream of sort of that they'd, you know rally around me and support me or something and and come together more. But they didn't. And I don't know. I feel kind of responsible about it. Like, I don't know if it's my fault. But they've never been this split up before. And I know it wasn't It was never like that before I got pregnant. So I don't know. It's It's just really good to get out of there and go to school in the morning. But it's a paradox because uh school is pretty bad, too. And well like a lot of bad things happen there. And so every morning it's like I go, "Wow, cheers. Good to get out of that house." And then it hits me. It just It really hits me in the head about what I'm walking into. >> [sighs] >> Like um another thing is well having this baby inside in a way it's kind of natural. Um it makes you feel kind of close to nature. Like like when I walk to school in the morning and I look at the trees and I just feel something coming out of me like like love. And I feel kind of one with what I look at when I'm by myself. But then if one of my friends sees me or like when I walk into school, then immediately everything around me seems to be artificial world and I feel real. Or it's artificial. I'm artificial and it's real. I don't know. I I can't seem to figure it out anymore. >> [music] [music] [music] >> It's funny. Last year there was a pregnant girl in one of my classes. And I used to sit over there very safe and looking forward to sex. And I'd look at this pregnant girl and somebody would, you know, make some little remark. And I knew that really it wasn't too cool. But you know, it was easy to laugh at it. And I was really detached. And I was free. And like it seems like so long since Friday night was just Friday night, you know, like I could go anywhere and do anything I wanted to. And forget that girl whenever I wanted. Because all of a sudden you know you're not free anymore. And you're the girl over on the other side of the room. And when you turn around to get a book or something it's you who are being looked at. You know, by somebody else. Or a bunch of somebodies. And even with your friends there's kind of a wall there. Because even your good friends >> [music] >> don't know what to say. >> [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] >> Like they do hand out all their free advice, but they don't know what to say. Like >> [sighs] >> one of my girlfriends tells me you know, you're liberated and it's beautiful what has happened to you and and all that. But she doesn't know. Mhm. Like another girlfriend looks at me now like >> [sighs] >> like she looks at me like I'm really cheap. Like now she wouldn't want to get near me with a 10-ft pole. And the guys Mhm. Some of the guys look at me with pity. And some of them look at me just like they want to get me in the backseat. >> [music] >> It'll be easier, I guess, when I transfer to the school where the other girls are. There's another paradox. It'll be easier to get away from what's here, but when I get there, it'll just be a whole different kind of hassle. Because I don't like I don't like the idea of being packed away with all the other bad girls. And just all of us herded along to our delivery date like a bunch of cattle. And I guess what really really scares me is making all these final decisions. People keep pushing me into that baby. Like, uh my mother wants me to keep the baby, but I couldn't stand seeing this baby, you know, pretending that it was my little brother or my little sister when it was mine. And uh my best girlfriend wants me to get an abortion. And she says there's a place where I can still get an abortion. And somebody else wants me to give the child away. It's like I don't know. Everybody just kind of presents her own little piece of society and really gets offended if I don't respond immediately. Like, "Wow, great. You know, that solves all my problems. Thank you." Nope. Nobody realizes that there just isn't any good solution. Like, if you have an abortion and kill the baby or if you try to bring it up without a father or if you give it away to an adoption agency or whatever. And I'm really getting tired of this little game. It's like everybody's with this bit, you know, "I'll help you and I'm understanding and uh you know, I'm not hung up on your unwanted baby, Lynn." But, you know, when it really gets down to it everybody really does try to impose their own ideas on me. And I don't know. It used to be at least I thought I had my head enough together that I could sort it all out and decide what I wanted to do, what was right for me. But, now I'm so confused. I can't decide. I don't know what I should do. Like >> [sighs] >> I don't know. Part of me just wants to freak out about the whole thing. Just part of just wants it the whole problem just to disappear, go away. But I know it's not going to just go away. And so there's this other part of me that wants to keep it together. And cuz I've got to keep it together. If I just freak out about it, nothing's accomplished. But it's getting really hard to keep it together. >> [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] [music] >> Well, I could keep it together a little more if Ted had been, you know, serious about me. Like if if he'd been like I thought, like really in love with me. And if he'd wanted to have, you know, a permanent relationship. But when he pulled out, then that's when it got pretty tough. >> [music] [music] [music] [music] >> Well, >> [sighs] >> when he left, well, before he left, I was trying to, you know, like have a good attitude, like you know, well, look, it's happened, and that's the way it is. Now, what can you do about it? What's good about it? But now that he's gone, all this rational thinking stuff is gone, too. Like I just keep hearing this voice inside me saying, "What's wrong with you?" Like for a while, it was just people around me, like my parents and their friends and all of them saying, "You're bad, and you're cheap. You're not a nice girl. But after Ted and I broke up, then it got to be like this voice inside me with what's wrong. And now it's like no matter where I turn, there aren't any answers that help. And my mom says that I'm wrong because I hurt them. And like one of my girlfriends told me she told me it was a sin. And I haven't heard that word since I was a little kid. So I don't know. It gets I I just tried All I can do is is try to take it day by day. But it just gets a little a little harder every day. Trying to cope with the looks and the people around me. And trying to get it together about how I feel inside myself. And the worst The worst part of it is not knowing anymore who I am. Cuz like if I don't know who I am, then my child I don't see how I can tell him who he is if I don't know who I am. >> Well, Lynn, I'm sure that's true. But, it seems to me you're doing the best you can for right now, anyway. I think a lot of the pressure's going to ease off now that you're going to be with the other girls in your same situation. Anyway, uh don't don't give up the ship. Well, is there is there anything else I can do for you? Um have to apologize for bringing our discussion to a close like this, but we're going to have to wrap this interview up. >> Yeah, I guess so. We've been here about an hour and a half. >> Okay. >> Uh No, thanks a lot for talking to me. It's it's really helped. It's helped a lot. >> Oh, I'm glad. I I guess that's about everything. >> Yeah. >> Lynn, I I really am glad we had a chance to talk. >> Me, too. >> Lynn, uh let me know how you're getting along, and please feel free to come back whenever you just like to talk. >> Okay, thanks. Goodbye. >> Goodbye, Lynn. Please, keep [music] in touch. >> Okay. Okay. >> [music] [music] [music] [music] >> Mhm.