Fritz Coleman on Tonight Show Jay Leno 1980s KCST San Diego

Fritz Coleman. [applause] [music] >> Thank you. >> Very nice. Thank you. I am the weather person here in the building. So, uh, it's an interesting job in a town where there isn't any, and it's probably better off that way because we are so thin skinned once we begin to live out here. Honey, there's dew in the car. Call the Porsche paramedic right away. A great example of that is last year uh we had a cold snap where for two consecutive weeks it got down to a record-breaking bone numbumbing 38. In the Midwest it gets up to 38 and they get long lines at the Dairy Queen out here. Oh my god. Listen, if we don't make it through this, I've really enjoyed having you as a friend. And I say to these people cuz they talk to me all the time, "Have you ever really been cold?" And they say, "Oh yes, once I ate frozen yogurt too fast, goosebumps the size of garbanzo beans. It was frightening." And I think for that reason, we don't see anybody from Los Angeles or from California doing cold medicine commercials on television. You always see somebody with some weather integrity, like an auto assembly guy from Detroit. Here in the Chevy plant, when you get a cold, boy, it's like a fat lady sitting right on your chest. [laughter] That's why we need Alka-Seltzer Plus. I don't think a person from LA would be quite the salesman. Well, here in aerobics, if you were to walk under an air conditioning duct with a damp leotard, pneumonia. [applause] Now, I'm the weather person, and I still can't figure out people's emotions about the weather. We have burning, scorching sunshine 360 days a year here. Yet, we have tanning centers. And right here in Burbank, we have a tanning center where the tanning machines are solar powered. We may have added a step unnecessarily. >> Well, I'm very happy because the last time I was here, uh, since the last time I was here, I've had a baby. I've become a new father. So, that's the greatest. [applause] I used to talk to him before he was born. >> I read in the book that if you talk to him, it's kind of a bonding process and he'll recognize you when he's born. So, I would talk. Hello. It's Dad. Stay in there as long as you possibly can. A space that big in Hollywood is $800 a month. Stay in there. I feel sorry for him now cuz he's cutting teeth. So, he's drooling. His tongue has become a water slide. He has this constant thing always hanging from the same side of his mouth. always two to 15 ft long. [laughter] A stelagtite of spit just hanging in my ankle area rotating in a clockwise direction. Babies below the equator, it rotates in a counterclockwise direction. If there happens to be a crowded room and he jerks his head around, it's a broken spring. It's amazing to me after having been through one child birth that any woman wants to have more than one child because it's unbelievable. Not just the giving birth, but the nine months before that, all the changes she goes through, her body becomes a crockpot full of confused hormones. Around the third month, 30, 40 lbs of water weight, not feeling very attractive. Feels like a sparklet truck with lip gloss. Not >> [laughter] >> and around the sixth month stops wearing a bra and wears a hang glider from that point on and every day your job managed to go you're the most attractive woman in the world. You're the most attractive man in the world. [applause] >> And as if she's not feeling unattractive enough, we force her to wear the ugliest clothes. maternity clothes. And if you go into a maternity shop, there are no clothes in there. It's racks and racks of fitted sheets with puff sleeves. Clothes you'd find at a Sears in Czechoslovakia. [laughter] Really, men would not put themselves through that. If men had babies, they treat it like fishing. Boy, would you look at that one. I got a whopper now. [applause] Throw him back. Hell no. He's an eight pounder. Bob, look at him. Raise him and send him to college. I don't think so. He's too good for that. I'm going to stuff this one and hang him over the fireplace. My wife was great. She went into labor at midnight one night. It was time to go to the hospital. And as it is always when it's time to leave the house, regardless of what the reason is, got to put on some makeup. So, it was fun watching her apply makeup between contractions. YEAH. [screaming] OH, JUST A COUPLE MORE minutes on No problem. Everything in the bag. I'll be right there. No problem. [laughter] And men, don't ever let a woman hold on to any part of your body. [laughter] Doctor, listen. While you have those C-section tools out, I wonder if you could pull her Lee press on nails out of my wrist. Thank you. >> [applause and music] [music and applause] [applause] >> Well, thank you. Thank you. That's very funny stuff. Stuff. I should give you some of our skin a baby to take home. >> We've got enough products. They They get your number some cosmic way. They get your name and number and you're mailed stuff every day that you have no use for. It's [laughter] unbelievable. So, you're up all night with this kid? I It's the whole bit. The the kind of the hip lifestyle is overnight. >> Oh, it's real hip. The diapers are the hippest part of the >> This is a fascinating piece of science to me. I've never been able to figure this out. Why the baby drinks the purest substance God has created? It goes into this little pink unassuming body with a bewildered look on its face and comes out plutonium. [laughter] >> [applause] >> Can I use your microphone? >> Sure, you may. >> When I go in there in the morning, I have to wear scuba equipment. >> Good morning, honey. Your toxic waste disposal unit is here. >> And the baby goes, "Dad, would you care for some gray poo pong? It's a very >> So, you're not looking for You're not a parent. >> No, no. I I'm not a No, I am a parent, but I'm not I don't have any children. No, I mean, >> you're not in town long enough to become one. That's your problem. >> No, it it Well, raising a kid is a full-time job. I mean, I'm on the road a lot, you know. I'm not like Johnny Apple. You don't travel around then leave again. [laughter] >> You can't do that, you know. But you are also a a news per now as part of the news staff. Are you are you a journalist? I don't know this about you. to become a weatherman. >> No, I'm definitely not. >> It doesn't take any criteria at all, does it? There's no >> Did you ever study journalism? >> No. >> No. You never even read a newspaper, have you, Fred? [laughter] >> Of course. I get my maps from the back of USA Today. That's where >> There you go. >> Somebody said a weatherman in LA falls in that gray area between a tarot card reader and an urbal life representative. >> She is a journalist. I am Pat Robertson with maps. Something like that. Just it's a sales thing. >> Now, do you uh how how did you get started in weather? I mean, did you is this something you always wanted to do? >> Actually, I was working for a radio station in Buffalo, New York and uh and uh they the radio station was owned by a television station and so they gave me an opportunity to do it a couple weeks a year and I came out here and I was working in a club and they offered me the job. Here it's a little different situation. >> Wait a minute. You're working at a club as a comedian and they offer you a job. >> Well, the credentials are obvious there. Can't you see the transition? And that's just for weather. You can imagine what they do for news people, honey. [laughter] >> And uh the scary thing is that I'm intimidated by working in the news business because it's a tremendous responsibility and I don't know anything really about journalism. Until about four years ago, I thought Iraq was just the past tense of Iran. [laughter] >> [applause] >> We'll be right back after this important message. Now you see Iran is [applause] >> I made my own commercial to send to craft. Watch craft.