Dr Murray Banks "How To Live With Yourself Or What To Do Until The Psychiatrist Comes" 60s comedy LP

Ladies and gentlemen, Dr. Murray Banks. [Applause] Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to know that the last time I was in this city, I spoke at Convention Hall to an audience of 10,000 women. I don't know if you can quite picture that. 10,000 women all at one time. But before going on, I was in my hotel pacing back and forth when a lady walked in. She looked at me. She said, "What are you doing here?" I said, "I'm waiting to give a speech." She said, "Are you nervous?" I said, "No, I'm never nervous." Said, "Really?" "Then what are you doing in the ladies room?" [Laughter] You know, being a psychologist, people usually walk up to me and say, "Are you really a psychologist?" Say something in psychology. Ladies and gentlemen, you can study psychology all your life. But in the final analysis, you will learn that no matter what a human being does, no matter what you, your friends, your customers, your relatives, your family, no matter what any human being does, there is always a reason behind it. There's no such thing as human behavior without a reason. In Palestine, for example, there was an old man standing at the wailing wall crying. He said, "Oh, I want to go where my people are. I want to go where my people are." A man walked by. So, what are you crying about? You're in Palestine. Where are your people? He said, in Miami Beach, you see, there really always is a reason, but you've got to be able to dig out the real underlying reasons that make a person do what he does. Now, if you ever hope to influence another human being, if you ever hope to get someone to do as you want them to do, if you ever hope to understand another human being, you must always understand them in terms of his wants. What does he want? Well, what do human beings want? What do you want? What do any of us want? Actually, ladies and gentlemen, the entire drama of life springs out of four basic wants. Four things that make us all do what we do. Here they are in a nutshell. One, I want to live. How long? Forever. Oh, you'll hear people say, "When I'm 90, I don't care if I'm dead." And that's just the way you feel until you're 89. And that's just why people buy Carter's little liver pills. Have you heard of the woman who had been taking Carter's little liver pills for over 20 years? And when she died, they had to beat her liver to death with a stick. Now let's wait till that spreads over to this side over here. So take take such a thing take such a thing even as a washing machine. Now why do you think a woman buys a washing machine? You think she buys it because she wants to make clothes whiter? No. No. When the salesman says, "Madam, this machine will add 20 years to your life." She says, "Bring the machine right in. Please just bring it right in." We all want to live and be healthy and anyone who shows us how to do it better will always get our business. Two, I want a feeling of importance, prestige, power, respect. We all want that. That's why we say, "Who do you think you're talking to?" And that's what makes people brag and show off. One girl was comparing a sweater she had just bought with her friends. She said, "Huh, my sweater is 100% virgin wool." A friend said, "Well, so what if mine's had a little experience?" I I once I once asked my students, "How many of you know where virgin wool comes from?" And one fellow said, "From the sheep that runs the fastest." I think he was from Planefield. By the way, did did you ever see a little boy who goes swimming or skating? He always says, "Mama, mama, watch me. Watch me, mama." So, mama can say, "Oh, you're wonderful. Wonderful." And he loves that praise. And adults are just the same. Of course, we can't go around saying, "Everybody, please watch me. Watch me." Now, we do it with our cars, clothes, furs. Now, why does every woman want a fur coat? Especially a mink coat. Skunk will keep him just as warm as mink. Says, "No, no, I've got to have mink." Now, listen. The only one who really needs a mink is a mink. He's got to have it. Now, give it a little thought and you and you will see that really that there's really very little difference between infants and adults. Although one lady said to me, tell me, do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? Uh the answer is no. Now in in connection in connection with the feeling of importance, tell me what is it that you say when you are introduced to someone for the first time? You say, "How do you do?" Well, if you do, they're going to forget you in just about 2 minutes. What you should say if you can is, "Oh, Mr. Banch, well, I've heard so many nice things about you." Then he spends half the night wondering, "What did you hear?" And how can he find out what you've heard? Of course, don't say, "I've heard so many things about you." Because if you do, he thinks, "My god, maybe he knows." You've got to be a little tactful. It's the same when you're asked an embarrassing question. Don't say it's none of your business. be like the Irishman who said to the Jewish man, "Tell me, why do you Jews always answer a question with a question?" He said, "Why shouldn't we?" This side is smarter than this side. The third want is I want someone to love me. We all want to be loved and every woman would like to marry and marry. Well, of course, a woman doesn't want to marry any simpleton. She's waiting for a special sample. And many of them get them, too. Now, if you want to see who are wonderful psychologists in business, you just look at the perfume manufacturers. They are the shrewdest psychologists in business that I know. They've analyzed their product. They've analyzed the motives that make people buy their product, and they've labeled the product accordingly. Did you ever notice the names they give to women's perfumes? My sin, taboo, unfinished business. Have you ever heard lovers speak? Promise me you'll love me forever. Promise me. What a thing to ask someone to promise. Would you plant a rose bush in your yard and then say, "Rose bush, promise me you'll bloom forever, even though I nip you in the bud. Promise me." One newlywed said to her husband said, "Herman, do you love me?" He said, "Yes." Said, "Would you die for me?" He said, "No. Mine is an undying love. Now, what do you think is the fourth want? What would you say is the fourth thing that every human being wants that I haven't mentioned? Go ahead. You can call it out. We're informal. Anybody. What's the fourth want? >> Security. >> Security. If you have health, power, love, you'll be so secure you won't be able to budge. Security is getting these things. Money. The only reason you ever want money is so that you can get these things. Nobody works 2 minutes for a piece of printed paper unless that it gets him what he really wants. By the way, do you ever think of it? Henry Ford with all his money never had a Cadillac. The fourth want, ladies and gentlemen, is I want a little variety, something new, different. We get tired of the same faces, the same places, the same colors, the same styles. We want new fashions, new new things. Human beings hate monotony, sameness, routine. Now, here are things that every human being wants. Yet, not one of you sitting here this evening can ever hope to have complete fulfillment in all of them. Now, that's impossible. We are all destined to be frustrated in some of these things. Someone you love may die. Your health may break. Business may go bankrupt. Here's a girl who wants a little romance, a little variety. What is she? She's a comtoter operator. All day long, she must sit and comp. And you're going to be frustrated even though you be a multi-millionaire. Now, may I protest right now against loveless marriages? If you marry someone for money only without love, well, the best I can say is you will suffer in comfort. One married woman said to me, "I'm suffering anyway. I may as well suffer in comfort." I'm in private practice in New York City. As part of my practice, I do a great deal of marriage counseling work. It's always interesting to see how lucky men are in the game of love and marriage. They say love is a woman's world. It belongs to the men because a man, no matter how old he is or how homely he is, if he wants to marry or remarry, he doesn't have much trouble. But a woman, how old is she? What does she look like? Now, if a girl goes out with a homely fellow, what do people say? He's got character. On him, it doesn't show, but he's got it. But if a fellow goes out with a homely girl, they say, "If Moses had seen her, there'd be another commandment. Of course, the important thing psychologically is not whether you're frustrated. Now, that we must all be. The important thing, ladies and gentlemen, is what kind of adjustments do you make when life hands you a dirty deal? Oh, now the curtain on the drama of life is about to go up. What kind of adjustments do you make? Now, there's not too much success in adjustment in our country, and I'm about to give you the most shocking figures you will ever hear again as long as you live. When you go home from this convention, I hope you will do something that you've never done before. On your way to the bank, gentlemen, as you go shopping, ladies, would you please stop for just a moment in front of the first schoolyard in your neighborhood? Stop and count out 25 children. Any 25 you wish. Just be sure to count your own among them. Having done that, you may then say to yourself, out of these 25 children, two will be in a hospital for the insane before his or her life is finished. Four more will be profoundly neurotic, four more deeply neurotic, four more mildly neurotic. And approximately 8 to 10 will be fairly normal. You see, your chances aren't too high, are they? Well, now that depends. That depends on the kind of adjustments that you learn to make and that you teach your children to make. We're not born with our adjustments. We learn them. Here, let me give you a case. Here's a case of a woman whom you all know. I'm going to give you her name. This woman was in love, deeply in love, but her sweetheart jilted her, so she committed suicide. Her name Lupy Valz. Remember Carolandis? Remember Lupy Valz and Carolandis were two movie stars who had fame, fortune, youth, beauty, things that a woman would give half a life to have. Yet when they lost their sweethearts, Lupy left the note. Dear Harold, there's nothing left for me anymore. So goodbye to you. I wish she had phoned me first. I have given her a few hot ideas. Of course, Lupy Valz and Carolandis were both insane when they killed themselves. Did you know that only the insane commit suicide? A sane person wants to live. I am not speaking of those who commit suicide regularly. Of course, not every woman who loses a sweetheart kills herself. One woman says, "Why should I kill myself? I'll shoot him." [Music] And so she commits murder as a form of adjustment, which by the way adjusts him pretty permanently, too. There are some people who turn to liquor to wash away their troubles. Now, liquor will never wash away your troubles. It will only irrigate them a little bit. One fellow said to me once, "My father's a drunkard. He once read a sign, drink Canada dry." I wish you'd explain it to this side here so we can get going. One of the most fascinating years of my career was spent working on an alcoholic ward in one of the mental hospitals in New York. I never saw these bits of human trash shuffled into the ward that a thought didn't go through my head. This piece of human garbage was once an infant in his mother's arms. This was once a little boy who played baseball on a schoolyard. Just look at him now. Does it surprise you to learn that the alcoholic actually hates liquor? Oh yes he does. He hates it. But he hates life more. He is so terrified to live to face the problems, the realities, the frustrations of living that he turns to that as his form of adjustment. There are some people who turn to insanity as a form of adjustment. Did you hear what I just said? I said that insanity is a form of adjustment. Nobody goes to sleep sane one night and wakes up cracked the next. And practically every person who goes insane wants to be. Now, what do you think of that? They want to be. In just a few moments, I'm going to dramatize for you how a person goes insane. Now, of course, when I say they want to be, I'm not suggesting it's conscious. A woman doesn't sit down on a Monday morning and say, "I think today I'll go crazy." It doesn't happen quite that way. But will you remember this, please? No one is born insane. You do not inherit insanity. The most you can ever inherit are pretty peculiar parents. But of course, then your chances are much better. Now, before I do the dramatizing, I wonder if I might talk with you for just a moment about a little adjustment that will ring a very familiar note to every one of you here this evening. nervous breakdown. Did your wife have one? Your mother, your brother, your son? Perhaps even you had one. Or maybe you are thinking of having one when the season is over. Nervous breakdown. We all know what it is. Really? Did you know that there's no such thing as a nervous breakdown? The nerves never break down. I have a nervous breakdown. You do? Show me the nerve that broke down, please. Where is it? Which nerve? You know what human beings do? They take their fears. Fear of death, fear of old age, fear of failure, fear of being found out. Fear, fear, fear. They take all these fears and they turn it into a nervous stomach, a weak heart, headaches, tiredness. I'm always tired. I sleep 24 hours a day. I'm still tired. Why? Today alone, thousands were x-rayed for aches and pains that you will never see on any X-ray. Never. Because it's in the emotions. Now, I didn't say it doesn't hurt. I never said that. Certainly, it hurts. And some people complain to their doctors so well that it isn't hard to convince the average doctor, especially in hard times. [Music] And you would be amazed at how many organs you can lose that way, too. Don't you know these people who run from one doctor to another? In New York City, a girl had a sore throat. She decided she'd go to see a big throat specialist. She heard he examined big throats. She came to the office, rang the bell. The nurse said, "Yes." She said, "I'd like to see the doctor, please. I've got a sore throat." The nurse said, "Please go into the other room and remove all your clothes." Said, "I don't think you understood me." So, I came to have my throat sprayed, not my pants pressed. The nurse said, "I'm very sorry. The doctor insists on seeing all patients with their clothes off." She says, "Well, if I must, I must." She went into the room, removed all her clothes. She's sitting next to another girl barefoot up to her neck. She's, "How do you like that? Some system, huh? A sore throat. I've got to take off all my clothes." The other girl said, "What are you complaining about?" I came in to pay a bill. Some years ago, I examined a girl that I don't think I could ever forget. Oh, not that her case was unforgettable. It was very common, or I wouldn't even tell you about it. It was her face. I had never seen a human being with a face so indescribably beautiful. She was 21 years of age, desperately in love, with a young, poor sailor that she wanted to marry. But Mama had other plans. Mama wanted her great beauty to marry a very wealthy prominent man. Of course, Mama didn't want her to marry him for his money, but she didn't know how else to get it. Well, they argued and argued and argued until one day, Mama fainted. Being a devoted daughter, she broke off her engagement with a sailor, agreed to marry the other man. The wedding was held at New York's Waldorf Hastoria. And what a wedding it was. The bride was gorgeous. As she marched down the aisle to the altar, 10 ft before the altar, she fell to the ground paralyzed from the hips down, and she was carried out in a stretcher. If you wish, you may call that a nervous breakdown. But not one single nerve broke down. Not one. And no X-ray in this world will ever show you the paralysis. Oh, she's paralyzed. All right, she isn't faking. This is her unconscious neurotic adjustment, if you please. And this is called psychonurosis. And we all show it. From headaches to tiredness. Have you ever noticed how tired you get whenever you've got something unpleasant to do? If your wife should say to you, "Please come inside and help me clean up the house." You say, "Oh, am I sleepy? Oh, I've got to lie down for 3 months." The difference, by the way, between the tiredness and the paralysis is only a question of degree. Now, there's another adjustment that's much worse. It's called psychosis, better known as insanity. Now, I promised you that I would show you how a person goes insane. Ladies and gentlemen, as you sit here this evening, there's a girl named Mary who stands on a ward in a mental hospital in New York City. At this moment, I'm quite a distance away. And yet, I know exactly what Mary is doing. I don't have to be there. I know what she's doing. This is the way Mary is standing right now. This motionless position is the way Mary has been standing for the past 19 years. And in those 19 years, she hasn't said one single word or has she even eaten a single thing? She's fed through a tube or she dies. Mary never cries. Smack her, pinch her, hurt her. Not one tear can you get. Mary also never laughs. I just dare you to make her do either one. Well, I have a little question for you. Would you tell me, please, how did Mary get like this? Didn't I just finish saying that no one is born that way? Don't you think Mary was a little girl who jumped rope on a schoolyard? Didn't Papa buy her a doll and carriage for her 10th Christmas? Why, certainly that's Mary's story, like any little girl's story. Well then, how did Mary get like that? To know the answer to that, you must take a very deep look in here and in here and then you would see that this for Mary is an adjustment. This an adjustment? How? My sweetheart left me. I've been hurt. How will I ever find another sweetheart? Who would ever love a homely girl like me? Even my own parents don't love me as much as they love my other sister. She's so pretty. My father laughs at me. He says I'm stupid. I'm not stupid. I'm afraid. I'm afraid to talk to people. I'm afraid they'll laugh at me. I wish I could run away someplace where no one could ever hurt me again. Yes, that's what I'll do. I'll run away. I'll go or I'll never love anyone else again. And no one can hurt me again. I'll leave. And there you have it. In her fear of losing love, being laughed at failing, Mary commits emotional suicide. You read in your newspapers not too long ago where Mr. Robert Young, the chairman of the New York Central, locked himself in his plush mansion in Palm Beach and put a bullet through his head. Well, Mr. Young killed himself physically. Mary has killed herself emotionally. Both are equally dead. Do you know how many people stand like Mary right now tonight? More than there are graduates in all the colleges and universities of America put together. That's how many. And you know what hurts? This is all avoidable if we would only learn how to face, solve, and adjust to life problems without going to pieces. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is called mental hygiene. And mental hygiene is something you learn. You're not born with it. Yet, what are the high schools of America so busy busy busy busy busy teaching? Plain geometry, trigonometry, and all the other junk that you never even need to get inside a mental hospital at all. If anything, the plain geometry helps to push you in a little faster. Why don't they teach us how to prevent elsas, how to overcome worry, how to get a good discount? Don't you think that's more important? Here's here's what I mean by mental hygiene. One bank teller was driving his car along New York's Lower East Side. He happened to knock over a little old Jewish lady. He pulled up his brakes, stuck his head out the window, and said, "Watch out. Say, "Are you coming back [Laughter] [Music] here? Here, let me show you my favorite illustration of mental hygiene. It's my favorite because it's so simple. Here are two women. They lose a sweetheart. Same problem. Yes. One shoots herself. The other one looks around for another sweetheart." Now, I don't know how many of you here this evening are so romantic that you think there's a one and only for you in this world. You're my one and only schmo. What nonsense are bigger and better schmos around? There's no one and only for anyone in this world. And any psychologist will tell you that you can be happy with thousands. Not at the same time, of course. You understand? When her husband died, one lady had engraved on his tombstone, "My light has gone out." A few years later, she was about to remarry. So she went to the bishop and said, "Bishop, don't you think I should erase it?" He said, "No, no, no. Just right underneath. I have struck another match." Now, when you go home from this banquet, and if your wife should ask you, "Gentlemen, what the speaker speak about? What did he speak about? Spoke about mental hygiene. Mental hygiene? That's right. Mental hygiene. Well, what's that? Could you tell her? Well, in case you can't, here is the finest definition of mental hygiene I have ever seen. And I didn't see it in a psychiatry book either. I saw it on a menu in a restaurant. And this is what it said. As you ramble on through life, brother, whatever be your goal, keep your eye upon the donut and not upon the hole. It means be a little optimistic. For heaven's sakes, the man comes home and says to his wife, "I lost my job." She says, "Well, so what? You'll find another job?" I don't think I'll ever find another job. She's all right. You've convinced me. Let's turn on the gas. Say, "Speaking of optimists, I know a man who's really an optimist. He's 82 years old, just got married, and started looking for a new house near a school. Now, he's sure to be a success, don't you think? One woman came up to me one evening. She said, "Dr. Banks, I've listened very carefully to every word you've said. I'd like you to show me how I can become permanently well adjusted." I said, "In cemeteries, they're permanently well adjusted. May I share with you a little slogan that you can use in your banking business, in your personal life? I've stolen it from a Wisconsin dairy. On every one of their milk bottles, here is what they have written. Our cows are not contented. They are anxious to do better. Now, may I ask you a little question? Answer this question to yourselves, please. Not out loud. How many of you think that you're normal? >> Are you normal if you talk to yourself? >> Yes. So long as you know that it's you that's doing the talking. You are not crazy if you talk to yourself. Only if you listen. After all, what is the difference between normal and abnormal? What is it the insane do that you don't do? Not a blessed thing. The only difference between normal and abnormal is not what you do. It's how much you do and when. For example, aren't there some mornings you get up, you feel depressed, blue, don't want to work at all? Well, that's normal. But if you should stay depressed, then the mental hospital will come and get you. Aren't there some mornings you get up, you feel very, very happy. But if you stay very very happy, they come and get you too. Whenever I talk about normaly, I can't help thinking about one little man who walked into a psychiatrist's office, sat down very quietly, took a cigarette out of his pocket, opened up the cigarette, took the tobacco, and stuffed the tobacco into his nose. The psychiatrist looked at him, he said, "Oh, I see you need my help." He said, "Yeah, you got a match. Did you ever know anyone who talks like this? They're all against me. They hate me. They're trying to get rid of me. Now, you're dealing with a case of paranoia, delusions of persecution, and the mental hospitals are clogged with these people. And yet, every one of you here this evening is just a little bit paranoid. Just a little bit. You ask any man here about his mother-in-law. Here's what I mean by paranoia. A lady went to the racetrack. While she was waiting for the race to begin, she tapped the fellow on the shoulder. She said, "Could you lend me a safety pin, please?" I'm sorry, I don't have one. Have you a safety pin, please? No, I'm sorry. Suddenly, over the loudspeaker, she heard, "They're off." And she fainted. Don't explain it to him. It won't help you now. [Music] Well, I hope I haven't I hope I haven't confused you too much about the difference between a psychotic and a neurotic. There is a definite difference. Perhaps an easy way to explain it, one one person has said put it this way. He said the psychotic, the neurotic is the type of person who's continuously building dream castles in the air. The psychotic is the one who moves in and the psychiatrist collects the rent. By the way, I wonder if you know the difference between a psychiatrist and a proctologist. Do you? The proctologist is the medical specialist who deals with the disorders of the rear. The psychiatrist, of course, deals with the disorders up in the head. Now, the reason I mention it is that I want to tell you about a psychiatrist and a proctologist who went into practice together. They wanted to print up a little card that would very simply say what they did. One said, "Why don't we just say nuts and butts? So, that's simple, isn't it? Then says, "Well, it may be simple, but it's not dignified." He thought a while, and he says, "Why don't we say rears and queers?" >> Well, that didn't pass either. You know what they settled for? Odds and ends. Now, when you came in here this evening, I'm sure that none of you expected to get a free psychiatric examination. Did you? Would you like to have one? Now you you've all been examined physically. Perhaps some of you even get an annual checkup. I wonder if you've ever taken a checkup as far as your mental health is concerned. And if you haven't, let's do it right now. Ladies and gentlemen, here is a completely free psychiatric examination for you. Here are 10 tiny questions, the answers to which will show how well adjusted you are. They will show whether or not you know how to live with yourself. For unless you know how to live with yourself, you just forget it. No one else will ever be able to live with you. By the way, these 10 points are the soundest principles of mental hygiene I know. If you will use them as you leave here this evening, I'll make you an ironclad guarantee. You will never have a nervous breakdown. Never. Ready? Let's go. One. The first thing a doctor does when he comes to see a patient is to take a temperature. He knows that the higher the thermometer that the higher the disease process. A psychiatrist has a thermometer too. It isn't made of glass. It comes in the form of a little question. And if ever you want to take someone's personality temperature quickly, ask them this little question. Say, tell me, are you happy? They say happy. I'm miserable. Miserable. Then you will have the first and the most important symptom of poor adjustment. Now what is happiness? What store do you go to and say, "Wrap me up $10 worth of happiness." Throw in an extra quart for next month. Happiness, ladies and gentlemen, is a byproduct. It is a result of effective life adjustments. Stop looking for happiness. It isn't a station you arrive at. It's a manner of traveling. It's a byproduct. It doesn't come through love, through marriage, through money, through children, through any one thing. Two. Do you have zest for living at any age? Are you interested in love, play, learning more? Or you say, "Fish patch, I know everything." Now, sit home and watch television. You get to be as smart as Howdy Duty. Why? I can show you people 80 and 90 years of age who grow younger every day. And I can show you some at 18 and 19 who age every hour. How well I remember one man as he left my office. He turned to me. He said, "Oh, I wish I had gone to college." I said, "Well, why don't you go?" He said, "I'm 35 years old. I'm married. It'll take me 10 years to go to college at night." I said, "Tell me, how old will you be in 10 years if you go?" He said, "I'll be 45." I said, "And how old will you be in 10 years if you don't go?" He said, "How come the same?" Next time you want to do something, it's oh, I'm too old. It takes so long. Ask yourself, how old will I be if I don't do it? And if you get a younger answer, please phone me immediately. Oh, I I can't talk about age that I don't think of one of the most respected members of a small New Jersey community. It happens to be an 82year-old rabbi. And when that rabbi walks down the street, everyone bows low to him. He hasn't missed one meeting of the local Rotary Club in over 50 years. Now, what do you think of that for a record? Until one day, the rabbi just disappeared into thin air. Everybody said, "Whatever happened to the rabbi?" Well, heaven only knows. A month later at a Rotary lunchon, the rabbi just calmly came in and took his usual spot. Well, the president's just stopped everything. He said, "Rabbi, for heaven's sakes, where have you been all month?" The rabbi said, "What a crazy world." He's a whole month I'm sitting in jail. He's in jail. Are you in jail? Why? You don't hurt anybody. What happened? He said, "Well, I decided to go to New York. I went to Radio City. Just as I bought my ticket and was going in the door, a beautiful girl comes up to me with a policeman. She points at me and says, "He did it." He said, "Tell you the truth, I was so proud I pleaded guilty." The third point, are you socially adjusted? You like being with others, sharing with others. The first symptom of mental illness and this is one of the very first is a loss of interest in others and in oneself. To be socially adjusted means that you are willing and able to see the other fellow's point of view. You know what I mean by point of view? One minister, for example, I just finished giving a very inspiring sermon on a Sunday morning. One of the parishioners said, "Reverends, that's a damn fine talk you gave this morning." He said, "I beg your pardon." I said that's a damn fine talk you gave this morning. Says, "Don't you think those words are a little strong to be using in church?" Well, I think it was such a fine talk, I put a $100 bill in the collection plate. Oh, thank you very much to the reverend. It takes a hell of a lot of money to run a church. And I want you to know that this reverend is the best adjusted reverend in New Jersey. This is the third time he's listening to me, you see. And he laughs louder the third time than the first. Now, what's better adjusted than that? You can be my pastor anytime and adjust me too when I need it. Now, what point am I up to? Are you listening? That's good. The fourth point, do you have unity and balance? What is unity? Let me show you the opposite. It's easier. Here's a woman who's on a reducing diet. Suddenly, she's served an ice cream parfait with whipped cream. So she starts eating it and says, "Oh, am I gaining weight?" Oh, and she eats it and worries. Now, if you're going to do something and worry, don't do it. If you're going to do it, enjoy it. One fellow said to a girl, "Do you drink?" "No." "Smoke? No." "What do you do?" "I tell lies." [Music] Now she had unity. Balance means that you don't wrap your life around one thing. Your mother, your father, your wife, your son, your husband, your job, any one thing. Because if you do, ladies and gentlemen, do you realize what you're doing? Watch. You're building your whole personality on one single support. How would you like to depend on for all your business on one customer? How would you like to live in a house built on one support? If you ever lose it, may God have mercy on you. That's all you have. You have many supports, many interests. You lose one or two. You don't go to pieces. Balance is just as important to human life as it is to a business or a building. I was thinking I was thinking of the girl who said to her boyfriend, "Tell me, why am I so popular? Is it my face?" He said, "No, my personality. No, I give up." He said, "That's it. Are you ready for the fifth point? The fifth point is this. Can you live with each problem in your life as it arises? Oh, the people who sit and worry. Oh, what a mistake I made 10 years ago. I should have given that dress back to Klein's or they worry about the future. Maybe there'll be a depression. Maybe a war. Maybe I won't get married. Maybe my son will get married before I do. Maybe. Just wanted to see if you're listening. That's all. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Now tell me, of all the things that you worried about last year, how many of them came true? There's a little saying, I'm an old man and have had many troubles, most of which have never happened. When their uncle died, all the relatives went went to the lawyer's office. They said, "Quick, quick, open the will." They wanted to see how much loot. The lawyer opened the will and this is what it said. Being of sound mind, I spent all my money while I was alive. The sixth point is very important in psychiatry. Do you have insight into your own conduct? I asked my students, "What's the opposite of insight?" They said, "Outside." In a way, they were right. Inside means that you know the real underlying reasons for what you do, not the fancy reasons you may give others, the real one. What does a psychiatrist do for you? Now, really, what does he do for you? People always ask me that. One woman said to me, "Why does he always make you lie down on a couch?" I know a doctor who says, "I don't have a couch. I've got a double bed. I like to lie down, too." Now, he's a very well balanced doctor. You know who it is? Me. It may surprise you, but there's no psychiatrist in the world who can ever cure anyone. All he can ever do is to help you to help yourself. If you won't do that, well, then you are doomed. A broken finger gets better without your cooperation, but not a broken personality. You know how a nervous stomach is cured? Not with mineral oil. It's cured when you have insight, when you know it's caused by fear, and when you attack that fear, not a moment before. Yet there are none so blind as those who will not see. Some people just don't want to see. A professor wanted to show his students what alcohol can do to the human body. He put a worm into a glass of water and the worm just crawled right out. Then he put the worm into a glass of alcohol and it was instantly killed. He said, "Now what's the moral?" One student said, "I see if you drink alcohol, you never have worms." Speaking of those who are none so blind as those who will not see, I I I I'm reminded of one man who came to his priest and he says, "Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest said, "What causes arthritis? Drinking, running around with women, keeping late hours. Why do you ask?" There's no reason, father. It just says here in the paper, "The Pope has arthritis. [Music] The seventh point. Do you have a confidential relationship with some other person? Now, every human being needs someone to whom he can talk his heart out to honestly, freely, without being double crossed. Some people need someone so badly they even get married to get it. And that's the one they start to lie to. Isn't that irony? Haven't you ever gone on a train out of town where a stranger will sit near you and tell you things he wouldn't dare tell his best friend? That's because he knows you'll never see him again. You can't double cross him and he feels better. On the New York Chicago train, a big burly Irishman sat there next to a little man. He says, "What kind of work do you do, sir?" He's what I do. He said, "I'm in Clarkson suit years. A big frame in New York. The frame name is Goldberg and O'Brien. You have he and O'Brien. We're a king together in harmony." Ah, that's the American way. What a surprise. What a surprise. Think I have a big ass surprise for you. I'm O'Brien, which leads me to the eighth point. Do you have a sense of the ridiculous? Can you laugh loud and long at what the world does to you? And most of all, can you laugh at yourself? Can you look in the mirror and say, "Oh, what a little showoff I am." But I'm cute. Laughter is the sunshine of the soul. Do you know what I think of as I stand here and look at you? I look to see who laughs and who doesn't. I said, "This one needs treatment badly. This one doesn't." Don't worry. I picked out a few good cases here tonight, too. Mostly on this side right over here. Now, I hope that you never get so old, so tired, so hardened in the arteries, so self-important that you forget how to laugh easily, quickly, readily. At that moment, they don't have to bury you. You're dead. >> You know, whenever I feel just a little too important, I always think of a patient who stands on the wards very grand. The psychiatrist walked by one day. He said, "Who do you think you are?" "I, sir, am Napoleon." He said, "Really?" is who told you you were Napoleon? God told me when a voice came from the next bed. I did not. [Laughter] You see, there's always someone who feels more important. By the way, do you know that while you laugh, you can't get ulcers? Of course, some of you are here too late. That's the whole point. Well, I'm going to give you a little hint that you can walk out that door with that will prevent Elsa's, give you a happier marriage, and you will also live longer. Oh, what a hint this is. I almost feel like God when I give it. I need treatment, too. I did my internship at a very famous hospital in New York. One day, while I was walking through the wards, one of the patients, a woman, rushed up to me. She said, "You know, we like you better than the other doctors." I said, "Really? Why?" She said, "You're more like one of us. Well, I see that you agree, too. The hint I'm about to give you happens to be the most important chemical law in the universe. And what a shameful thing it is for me to tell you that I do not know of one single school that teaches it. It is nevertheless the most important chemical law in the universe. And this is it. Did you know that the human body, your body, can never sprout an ulcer or be angry and laugh at the same time? It is physically, chemically, mechanically impossible. As if God has said to ye who laugh, no elsees, and no anger. Now, you don't realize what a hint you've just received. If your husband or wife is angry with you, you want to snap out of it quickly. It's so simple. Perform a little chemical experiment. Make him laugh. Do this. Of course, use good taste. >> I mean, don't throw him down the steps so he breaks a leg and then you put your fingers to your nose. You know, I was Is there any greater blessing than the ability to laugh and to laugh long and steadily? If there is, I have never heard of this. I'm thinking, for example, of one teacher in an elementary school in Brooklyn. Biggest sour puss you ever saw. She was writing on the blackboard one day. She happened to raise up very high and one of her guarders showed. A little boy in the back went. He was one of the more intelligents. The teacher said, "And what are you laughing at?" He says, "Teacher, I just saw you a goner. Just get your books and leave this room at once. And don't you come back to this class for 2 days. She went back to write on the board again. Another little boy in the back went and what are you laughing at? This teacher I just saw both daughters. Well, take your books and leave this room immediately and don't you come back this class for 3 weeks. When she went back, she happened to drop the eraser. She bent over to pick up the eraser. A little boy in the back jumped up and started to run out. Said, "Just a moment. Where do you think you're going?" He said, "Teacher, I see when my school days are over." [Laughter] Now, he was better adjusted than the teacher, don't you think? The ninth point. Are you engaged in satisfying work? Poor fellow. He broke down. He overworked himself. Overworked himself. What nonsense. No one ever broke down from overwork in this world. And no one ever will. You break down, ladies and gentlemen, from overw worry. You work 10 minutes only with hate or fear in your heart. And brother, you're overworked. And how? You work all day at something you love without tension or tears. You'll go home pretty tired, but you won't break down. I just flew back to New York from Chicago by plane, which is the best way to fly. And I I've got to fly out again to speak to in Cincinnati and then to New Orleans, then to Los Angeles, then back to New York to see some patients, then I teach at university in New Jersey, and then out again. People say to me, you know, you're going to break down. You run around too much. No, no, no. I won't break down because being here this evening is for me an adjustment, too. I really always wanted to be an actor. But my mother wanted me to be a doctor. So I became a doctor and now I'm an actor. One man said to me, you know, Dr. Banks, I know a lady who also wanted her son to be a doctor, but he wanted to be a bum. Now they're both happy. He's a bum doctor. The 10th and the last point is this. Do you know how to worry effectively? There's only one thing to do when you're worried, and this is it. Do something active about the cause of your worry. Are you worried about your health? Well, then go to a doctor. Do you have an emotional problem? Go to a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist? Yes, a psychiatrist. I picked up my phone the other day and a voice said, "Hello." I said, "Hello." He said, "Is this the crazy doctor?" I said, "Yes." He said, "I want to make an appointment to see you. How much do you charge?" I said, "$20." He said, "I'm not that crazy. After dealing with mental patients for quite a few years, it is always a thrilling thing for me to learn each day and you that the only difference between a happy person and a broken soul is never the problems. The problems are just about the same for all of us. It is the attitude towards the problems that makes us what we are. Let me illustrate that. A mother had two twin boys, six years of age, identical twins. They were so identical. They had the same freckle in the same spot. Oh, but you'd never have trouble telling them apart because one of them was a cheerful little optimist. Whenever you'd look at him, he'd smile at you. The other one was a pessimist of the worst order. One day, mama took them both by the hands off to a psychiatrist. She said, "Doctor, I don't want much. Really, I don't. Balance them off a little bit. One a little more and one a little less. He's all right. Now, listen carefully and I'll tell you how to cure them. when their birthday rolls around, you buy that little pessimist of yours a room full of toys. Just fill the room with more toys than he's ever had in his life. Says, "What shall I get for the optimist?" Well, for him, you just get one great big box of manure. What' you say? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? Madam, that's what I said. Toys for the pessimist, manure for the optimist. Now, that will balance them up. Well, mama did exactly as the doctor ordered. Then, she stuck her head into each room to see how they were getting along. There in that room filled with all those lovely toys sat that little pessimist. He says, "Just look at this bunch of junk toys. I don't like them. The boy next door has better toys." Then she went to the other room and there was that little optimist digging through all the manure. He said, "You can't fool me. Where there's manure, there must be a pony. [Laughter] [Music] If you ever stop to think about your life, you'll find that your life is just like climbing a slippery glass hill. You climb, you slip, you climb, you slip. We all slip. We all have sorrow, frustration, disappointment. But the measure of you as a person is what do you do when you slip? Do you pick yourself up and try to go just a wee bit higher on the hill? Or do you lie there in whine and have a nervous breakdown? I hope that you will never forget, never, that happiness is just like chasing a butterfly. The more you chase it and chase it and chase it directly, then it will always just elude you. But if you sit down quietly, turn your thoughts to other things, then the butterfly will come and softly sit on your shoulder. Ladies and gentlemen, I thank you. [Applause]