Dom Irrera on Tonight Show Johnny Carson 1980s KCST San Diego

Thank you. Hi, I am Don Herrera. Thank you. I am uh originally from uh Philadelphia, I'm proud to say. [applause] >> I lived in South Philadelphia, very Italian section, for the first eight years of my life. Hey, forget about it. Wood of my wood, the old dam. Come here over here. [laughter] I moved to West Philadelphia, mostly black neighborhood. >> My man DM. What's happening, my man? Hey, that's my main man DM. Uhhuh. I moved up to New York about 8 years ago. I figure [cheering] [applause] >> Thanks. I don't even knew need to do a routine. I'll just announce places. Huh? I was to New York about 8 years ago. I figured I'd kick around, do a couple of Broadway shows, maybe an NBC special or two. Had a lot of job offers. Took the waiter job. [laughter] [applause] Waiter, I don't like the texture of this salad dressing, but a boom. [laughter] >> It's tough enough working for chips. I mean, I was parking cars at 28 years old under the Brooklyn Bridge, running for cars. Oh, boy. 16-year-old kid would drive up in a white Cadillac Barretts. I'd open door the door for him. He'd rub me on the head, give me a quarter, and call me Slugger. Here you go, Slugger. Oh, thank you, mister. Oh, boy. >> [laughter] >> Give the guy a tip or don't, but don't make it like a big deal. Waving a dollar bill at a guy. Hey, here you go. Whoa. Here you go. Whoa. Like you're supposed to turn into Flippy to seal. Oh, thank you. God bless you. Now I can go to college, a good school. Thank you. I think I should tell you I'm from a broken home. My father left home when I was in second grade. My father never cheated on my mother. He used to cheat on me. He used to pick up other kids after school, take them to the zoo, take them to play ball. Mean when he would get drunk, he would make me get tattoos. NO, DADDY, NOT ANOTHER DONALD DOUG. PLEASE, DADDY, NO. One day, he came to me. He says, "Look, Dom, I got a level with you. I met another kid. For the first time in my life, I feel like a real father." My mother stood right by me. She says, "Dominic, you're my son. You'll always be my son. You stay here as long as you have a job. >> [cheering] [applause] >> Yeah, rejection is tough. I mean, I'm going to level with you. Even I didn't always do that well with women. >> I know you're thinking. Come off it, you supple little hunk. Who you kidding doll face? I asked this one girl out. She says, "You got a friend?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "Why don't you go out with him?" You ever get that personal rejection, that zinger rejection? One time a girl's giving me the walk-in papers. I'm trying to be cool. I said, "What are you seeing somebody?" She says, "No." I said, "What? You're dating around?" kind of understand it. She says, "No, I just don't like you." I was one of those neurotic Catholic kids. I was one of those kids. I thought everything I did was a sin. I would go to confession if I saw a bra commercial. 8 years old. What can you do when you're only allowed out till 3:15? [laughter] The thing I worry about was judgment day. Judgment day. How embarrassing is this going to be? You're going to be judged for all your sins at the end of time. Your whole family sitting there naked on little stools. Angels wheel out giant video cassette recordings of your whole life. They fast forward all the good stuff you ever did. Slow motion. You got to watch yourself dancing naked in front of a mirror at 14. [applause] Your mother's going, "I thought you were making models, you little pervert. Hey, mom, forget about it. You I love this. I love being a comedian. I love being a comedian because you can be honest. Certain occupations you can't be honest. Barber, hairdresser. These guys have to be tactful, diplomatic. Guy goes into a barber shop, all those pictures on the wall. I like to look like hemp. The barber could never go, "Listen, you fat pig. He is a male model. You are a human sloth." [applause] Thank you. Thanks. I love working at the studios, too. No smoke. I hate when people smoke in my face. Smoke in the nightclubs. I mean, I got I got a nasty habit. I'll admit it. Spitting. Spitting is a disgusting, vile habit, but I would never sit at lunch with somebody. So, uh, how was your day? I had a rough one. [applause] Yeah, I had a pretty bad day myself. I I hate when people That was a good one. I hate I hate [applause] I hate when people spray food on me and don't acknowledge it. Look, we both know that. You just hooked a piece of meat onto my nose. You see this right there? You know it's there. I know it's there. The kid in the corner knows it's there. Do something. Anything. Tap the back of my head. Flip it back into the stew. At this point, I'll settle. Acknowledge this. That's all I One of my first dates. I'm sitting there with a girl. Ham and cheese sandwiches cuz I spend. [laughter] I rocket a piece of lettuce under her eyebrow. I figure I got to react to this. I got to do something. I put a piece of lettuce on my eyebrow. Told her it was cool for the restaurant. Yeah. Eyebrow lettuce. That's cool. Mhm. My grandfather used to smoke these big fat disgusting Italian cigars. I think they were actually called El Disgust. These big mud sticks he would stick into his face in the morning. He would have stubbles that you could grate cheese on, wine breath. I was seven years old. He wants me to give him a kiss for a quarter. Hey boy, come here. Come here. Give grandpa a kiss for a quarter. Grandpa, you got to come up with some bucks for this kiss. This is no small change transaction. We're talking endowment. Forget about it, Grandpa. Thank you. [music] Look at that. [music] I love to [music] see