Building Better Sentences (1968)

[Music] we have a treat today Tony Bob and Allan have just finished their story in fact they came in early and wrote the first part on the board I think it's a fine start but remember even if we like it as a story our project is to analyze it to see whether we can improve sentence structure now our three authors may find it hard to be critics especially of their own work but I think they can do the job yes Tony do you mean we're supposed to find things wrong in our own story that's the idea of improvement evaluating your own work Allan why don't you read the year is 2000 ad the United States of America has just sent a spaceship to the planet Mars in the spaceship are two American astronauts they are very well trained and are named Edgar Wilson and Michael Wagner they are both able to work the Rocket engines that their SPAC ship is propelled by our story is about this trip to Mars it is also about the astronaut's Adventures as we look in on them Edgar points to the instrument panel say Mike he says the fuel is running low well good now we have to begin somewhere why don't we start with the third sentence in the spaceship are two American astronauts there's nothing wrong with that is there well not really Alan it's a perfectly good sentence but perhaps we can do better now does anyone know how we might improve that sentence here's a hint remember Monday we talked about eliminating unnecessary words right Tony now do you see any words that may be unnecessary in this sentence in the spaceship are two American astronaut American that's unnecessary it already says in the sentence before that America sent the astronauts so we don't have to use the adjective America here very good Bob Tony and Allen why don't you try too and perhaps we can improve the story still more now let's see what about the sentence that starts they are very well trained what's that all about that's compounding we brought two simple sentences together and used a conjunction and but it reads they are very well trained and are named Edgar Wilson and Michael Wagner it sounds like if they had different names they wouldn't be well trained there could be something wrong with the sentence who want to try to fix it there's still something wrong that's the way Tony but I don't know how to fix it well the thoughts in this sentence and the next one are related Ed so why not for the time being leave out the Clause that Bob crossed out and connect the first Clause with the following sentence there they are very well trained and are both able to work the Rocket engines that their spaceship is propelled by but what about the Clause with the names why not put it at the end of the sentence before good idea there what do you think of that but there's still room for improvement for instance we found that it gets the idea cross better when we use a verb in its active voice remember well then tell me Alan what was your reason for putting the verb Propel here in the passive we had a good reason Miss crane whatever it was in any case we have two choices rocket engines that their spaceship is propelled by or rocket engines that Propel their spaceship which sounds better Propel the active voice I think we all agree now do you see anything else that same sentence it still doesn't look right look at this conjunction and is this a clue a conjunction means compounding right Alan and when we compound the thoughts on both sides of the conjunction should be of equal importance now if you believe that the facts that they're very well trained and that they're able to work the engines are equally important here wait they're not equally important one depends on the other you've got got it Alan and if one thought depends on the other which word should we remove the and well let's see well now we have a what kind of a sentence is this Tony a transform but we have two RS Alan why don't you read the sentence leaving out the second r they are very well trained both able to work the Rocket engines that Propel their spaceship there's still something wrong maybe it has something to do with which of these two thoughts is more important which is that they're able to work the engines right Alan so doesn't it make sense that the subject should be placed with that thought how's that but isn't there something wrong with the next paragraph too something you can fix Bob all right but is the story really about this trip or is it about the adventures of the astronauts we wanted it to be about the adventures then why don't we erase the part about Adventures from here and put it here our story is about the astronauts adventures during this trip to Mars how do you like your story now do you think we need the part about being well trained I mean all astronauts are well trained so I think I'd like to take that out do you think it'll work Tony I think so yes you see to make written work look finished we have to take out OB vious things what kinds of things do you think they are like using the same words over and over in view of that what would you say about this word we've used it in the sentence before and this if we just say their names that's enough good in the ship are two astronauts Edgar Wilson and Michael Wagner we seem to be finished but it may be wise to go back to see if our words are expressing our exact meanings for example the United States of America has just launched more exact see a spaceship toward the planet Mars isn't that better Manning you see that's exactly what they were doing Manning the ship are two astronauts Edgar Wilson and Michael Wagner like to read it now Alan the year is 2008 the United States of America has just launched the spaceship toward the planet Mars Manning the ship are two astronauts Edgar Wilson and Michael Wagner our story is about the astronauts adventures during this trip to Mars as we look in on them Edgar points to the instrument panel say Mike he says the fuel is running low you know now that we fixed it I think it does read better it does and perhaps you'll want to look at some of the sentences in your own stories and compositions to see if they say what you mean and tell your story exactly the way you want to tell it you'll find it fun to tell your story the right way the exciting Way by building better sentences [Music]