Buddy Hackett on Tonight Show Johnny Carson 1980s KCST San Diego

My buddy. Don't you know the name of the places that you're working? You got three one nighters in Massachusetts. >> Yeah, but I don't know where they are. But I know they're going to be sold out because when you come on here, everything gets sold out. >> Well, that's great, but how can they be sold out if people don't know where you're going? The people where they are know what's happening. They read the paper. >> Sure, what's the difference? When your agent calls you and says, "I got you booked." Do you care where you go? I'm being serious in this segment. >> No, he just says, "Do you want to go?" Oh, yeah, they asked me if I want to go to Des Moines in January. I said, "No, I don't want to go to Des Moines in I hate when my shorts ice up." >> Yes, and in Des Moines in Des Moines, too. Yes, but I'll go to Des Moines in May. I'd love to go to Des Moines. I know a girl there named Jane. Jane? Yeah. And her her father's a doctor in North Carolina. And I know her since she's 7 or 8 years old. I didn't know that. >> Oh, she didn't know it, either. >> [laughter] >> Yes. What do you want to start off with tonight? >> Well, I just came back from Aspen, Colorado, where >> [cheering] >> Skiing? >> Where? No, skiing in the summer, you know? Have you any idea how much wax >> you're a But you're a real trooper. You could do it if you wanted to. >> Yeah, I wish I could have got that one out. >> what you went back for. You went back there for a tennis tournament. Martina called me. >> Martina called you? Is there an echo in here? No. >> [laughter] >> But if she wanted me, why would she call you? No, she called me. I couldn't go back. I was busy. >> Oh, she wanted you. Well, she wanted a lot of people to come back for the tournament. >> Well, I was second choice. All right, I wasn't there. >> No, I was in Aspen, Colorado. >> No, I think she called a lot of her friends to ask her to come back. >> Anyway, I I'd never met her before. Nice lady. You want to see them legs in person, John. I I I I I I Oh my God in heaven, are they beautiful. Yeah. And when you hug them, John. Are you a good tennis player? >> [laughter] >> Did I Excuse me, did I uh I never know when to stop or go. Just give me a nod and I'll shut up. >> I thought you would mention Yes, what happens when you hug them? What happens when you hug them? A mark from a racket. >> [laughter] >> Comes right on the skull here. A big knot. I was sitting up in the stands and I up in the chair and I was calling the match. Oh. And Suzy Chaffee was playing and she was wearing the thing from Danskin's, the new Oh, those tights. Yeah. And you know, you ever see them people on the beaches? You see pictures of girls on the beaches where the bathing suit disappears right where you're not supposed to mention. And Suzy bent over to pick up a ball in the the stand Aspen's a pretty weird place and everyone She picked up another ball and so I climbed down from the judges stand and I took off my shorts, which were black shorts and a black shirt, which came down kind of low, and I took them off and I tried to give her my shorts to put on. But unfortunately, before she could grab them, a gypsy family of five moved into the >> [laughter] [applause] >> And they're there to this day. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes they zip down their zipper and say, "Read your fortune." So, you were the umpire? I was the umpire. Bill Cosby was delicious, unbelievable, uh Sugar Ray Leonard, uh Don Johnson. >> Yeah. Don Johnson was hilarious with me. Don Johnson? Oh, yes. The guy Miami Vice? >> Yeah, he never met another guy who had a gun with real bullets. Oh, you. Yeah, yes. So. >> But did you play in the tournament? No, I They Bill took Sugar Ray Leonard out and sent me in for a sub. Yeah. For one game. Are you good? Am I good? >> Yeah. The best thing I do is jump into the net when I lose. Yeah. I try to jump over, but I never got Usually my shoulder hits the tape and then that's where these stitches came from. >> from. >> [laughter] >> So, I came out here tonight to tell you three stories. >> And uh they're not Well, there's one Shecky told me which I had no intention of telling. >> who you're talking about. Shecky Greene? Shecky. Okay. Well, Shecky Shecky told me a story and he says, "Please don't tell that on The Tonight Show." And I gave him my word of honor. >> [laughter] >> He said, "Please don't tell it." >> Yeah. And? Here's the story. >> [cheering and applause] >> There was There was this degenerate horse player. He described degenerate horse player. I don't know what that means. A degenerate horse player must mean a guy who not only plays the horses, but sleeps with them. I don't know. >> know that. So, this guy has lost all his money and he goes to his very rich friend, who Shecky called Harvey Silbert, which I is some guy I know does all the Jewish philanthropy. You know, you get his name on everything. >> Right. If it ain't his name, it's Danny and Rosemary Thomas. They also raise So, anyway, he goes to this guy and says, "You got to give me some money. My wife is sick. She needs an operation. The doctor don't trust me. The doctor won't take my check. The hospital won't let my wife in. She's going [laughter] to die. You're my last resort. Please give me some money." And Harvey says, "I am not giving you any money because you will spend that money betting the horses." He says, "No, no, I won't. I've got money for the horses." >> [laughter] [applause] [cheering] >> So. What's the other one about? There's no basketball. We got some hockey games. What do I know about No, I don't know that. Tell me. >> no, no. You go ahead. But I don't know that one. >> I'll tell you later. Oh, you want to roll? Well, what about them? You want to do that? >> Wait a minute. We got to Am I not going to get to tell my other story? >> Of course you're going to get to tell your other story. We just have to do a commercial. >> threw this in extra because the other stories Do we have to save them for another show? No, no, no. I can do this. >> We're going to do this and we're coming back. Then we're going to do this. >> up because I'm hot. Okay, we'll be right back. >> [applause and cheering] >> You've trained, prepared, psyched [music] yourself up. Now, there's no turning back. So, grab your cold Coors beer, survival food, [music] and get ready to join the elite, America's professional couching staff. But you'll need the right equipment. So, look for the special Coors and Coors Light couching staff display at your favorite store [music] and get ready to couch like you've never couched before. No Way Out, a Hitchcock-style thriller. The best film of its kind since Jagged Edge. Steamy suspense and steamy romance. A crackling thriller. A 10 plus. A heart stopper. The summer's best movie. A rip-roaring thriller. Four stars. No Way Out, rated R. Now playing at a theater near you. The new [music] Hyundai Excels are rugged enough to take your family any place they want to go. With front-wheel drive and four-wheel independent suspension, [music] they can turn a rough road into a smooth ride. They're reliable, too, with more standard features than any car in their class. And since you can get both [music] Excels for less than the average price of a new car, it's now actually possible for one family to be in two places at once. Hyundai. Cars that make sense. >> [music] >> When the heat's on, you need Havoline Supreme, the oil that's cool under fire. Havoline's viscosity booster helps protect engines against wear under extreme heat and stress. Havoline Supreme. Cool under fire. Right now, get $3 off a case of Havoline Supreme. But act fast before this deal gets away. Sunday. Peter Strauss, E.G. Marshall, [music] Mason Adams, Paul Winfield, and Hal Holbrook face America under siege. Tonight on Late Night, Carrie Fisher and Jeff Altman. Ladies and gentlemen, just 1 hour with us and you'll be saying, "You know, I don't really mind the commercials." Today, Chef Chicken is preparing a new national lumber store. We use only the finest ingredients, like a big heaping of customer service and teeny teeny little prices. Graber special order [music] PVC vertical blinds are now 70% off manufacturer's list price. Red Devil 25-year siliconized acrylic caulk is now just 99 cents. Holly, I think you forgot [music] to add cement. Opening soon in Moreno Valley. 1969, [music] the A Shau Valley. The Screaming Eagles of the 101st Airborne Division were engaged in the bloodiest battle of the Vietnam War. I'm going to save your life and you're going to save mine. It wasn't a battle like you see IN THE MOVIES. IT REALLY HAPPENED. IT DON'T MEAN NOTHING. It don't mean nothing. Hamburger Hill, a true story, rated R. Starts tomorrow at selected theaters near you. I [music] heard about your reputation. Shrink to fit is where it's at. Got the reason means. Is it [music] those Levi's jeans that make you act like that? Tell me, how'd you get so blue? Levi's [music] shrink to fit 501 jeans, just $14.99. True Levi's button fly 501 [music and singing] jeans, tell me how'd you get so blue? >> [music] >> Okay, we're back talking with Buddy Hackett. >> [applause] >> You know what? What? I should really put you on a spot because Well, because you'd never say no to me about anything. And you might have told Martina no to come up to the tennis, but I think next year you ought to come up to the Aspen the Aspen Club and do that. It's for good charity. >> it is. I would >> She's got a She's got a charity for children and the mental health. I wanted I wanted to come there. I just got I was had something else that weekend. Right away. >> What do you mean had something else? How could you What's so I had another I had another engagement. Oh, now you got a year's notice. Okay. Would you come? If I Sure. That's it. Martina, John will be there next year. That leaves me out. >> [applause] >> Anyway >> I've been hornswoggled, folks. Yeah. Hornswoggled [laughter] is that what >> Anyway, I'm going to tell you three story animal stories. >> Animal stories, all right. Yeah, okay. The first one is a guy is driving a car and he's going about 40 mile an hour and he looks out and there's a chicken running alongside the car. And he looks he don't believe a chicken and he goes a little faster and he looks the chicken got three legs. See now he hits 55. He don't go more cuz they hadn't passed the law yet that certain places you can go 65. 55 the chicken shoots in front of him, cuts in front of the car, runs up an alley. This is also farmer stories. >> Yeah. Yeah. He runs up the alley. Guy turns around, goes up the alley. Farmer standing with a bib overalls, "Can I help you?" He says, "Yeah. A chicken [laughter] with three legs was going so fast that he pissed my car, run up in your alley." He says, "I know that. That's my chicken. I raise three-legged chickens." He says, "Why?" He says, "Do you like a drumstick?" "I do." "Does your wife like a drumstick?" "She does." "Well, perhaps you have A GUEST. MAYBE ED COMES OVER and likes your drumstick." "Gee, I never thought of that. How do they taste?" He says, "We don't know. We never caught one." >> [laughter] [applause] [cheering] >> That we don't know. We never caught A woman from the city goes to the country and she's at a farm. This is animal story. >> I understand that. >> With a farmer thrown in. >> Okay, got it. Okay. And she says to the farmer, "What uh why doesn't that cow have any horns?" He says, "Ma'am, there are many reasons why a cow don't have horns. Now, some are a hornless breed like Angus. They're a hornless breed. Some they get old, we've been milking them and after a while they get sensitive to the touch and they don't like it and their horns they can be a little rambunctious. We cut the horns off. It's no pain to the animal. And some when they're just calves, we don't want them to have horns and we put a few drops of acid where the horns would form and there are no horns. But the reason that that cow don't have any horns is because it's a horse." >> [applause] [applause] >> See that had an animal and a farmer. >> Very good. A calm combination joke. >> Okay, this guy is hunting for ducks. >> [laughter] >> He's not the farmer and he's not the animal. The duck is the animal. >> All right. Hey, shoots a duck. The duck falls. Lot of you people want to conserve ducks and you worried this is That's only a joke. The duck didn't really die. And you conservationists, I'm sure you're all pure vegetarian and don't eat meat or anything like that and you're so worried. I hope a butterfly flies up your nose and you choke to death. So now >> [applause] >> Hey, just a passing thought. Oh, and I hope afterward the butterfly escapes. So >> [laughter] >> Oh, laser cut cone right in your brain and you I can't think of anything but webbing. So Now, this guy shoots a duck and it falls and hits a barn and goes into a guy's yard. So this guy gets and climbs over the fence and he goes into the yard and he's trying to get this duck and this farmer come out, big guy, bigger than the guy with the chickens. >> Bigger. He says, "What are you doing in my yard?" He says, "I come to get the duck." He says, "That's my duck." He says, "It's not your duck." He says, "This is my yard. That duck fell, hit my barn. He's laying there." He says, "Yes, but it's it's not your duck. I shot the duck. I've been out hunting for a couple of days. Just give me a break. You know, I'm from the city." "You're from the city? Well, you don't understand about property, do you? It's my property. It's my duck. However, I'll give you a chance at the duck. We can settle this country style." He says, "Country style?" He says, "Yeah." "Well, how do you how do you settle it country style?" He says, "How? I kick you in the groin." The guy says, "And then you kick me in the groin. And we take turns kicking each other in the groin. Whoever's left keeps the duck." The guy says, "Well, if that's what I got to do." The farmer says, "I go first." And he HOLDS OFF. WOW! AND THE GUY GOES, "HAHA!" HAHA! >> [screaming] >> WOW! HAHA! WOW! WOW! HAHA! >> [screaming] >> WOW! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! >> [cheering] >> HAHA! HAHA! >> [screaming] >> HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! >> [screaming] [laughter] >> HAHA! HAHA! HAHA! ABOUT HALF HOUR HAS PASSED and he says to the farmer, "WELL, WELL, I GUESS it's my turn." And the farmer says, "You can have the duck." >> [laughter] [applause] [applause] [cheering] [applause] [applause] [cheering] >> That is the first >> First time I EVER SEE A DUCK That is the >> have a drink. >> That is the God, that is a funny story. Jesus. You can have [laughter] the duck. John, look at this. >> Oh, yeah, all over. >> It's so nice. I went out and got a new suit. >> Wasn't it worth it? Wasn't it worth it for that laugh? >> No, no. Oh, come on now. It's not worth it. You know what they charge to clean a suit now? A lot more than you pay for this show, I'll tell you. Oh, we got to do a commercial. We'll be right back. That's right. Stay where you are. >> [cheering] [applause] >> An important [music] message for people who depend on their cars. For the seventh year in a row, the