Brett Butler on Tonight Show Johnny Carson 1980s KCST San Diego

[music] Thank you. Hello. How y'all doing? Pretty good. This is [cheering] And this this is a great outfit. I look like Joan Collins bodyguard in this, you know. Don't come over here unless you got a credit card, pal. All right. It's like Joan Collins. This woman must have blonde roots. I swear. Um I I shouldn't make fun of Joan. I was sort of a girl behind the girl next door myself. When I when I went back home after I did this show, I got these phone calls. Does the phrase out of the woodwork mean anything to y'all? I'm getting phone calls like, "Well, you probably don't remember me, do you, Brett?" I'm going, "Oh my gosh, it's my first boyfriend." See, cuz my family's part Irish and part Swedish. We're all alcoholic, but we're real quiet about it. And my first boyfriend was part um tractor. [laughter] You laugh, but you never had to change his filter. Um I'll never forget our first date. He looked at me and said, "Well, you look real pretty in this light, but I'm going to have to cut them out before them dogs and helicopters find us." [laughter] I didn't mean to put a dent in any well adjusted lives with that. Um, I'm getting married August 9th. I'm really happy about that. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah, I really am. [applause] And um, I hate the term fiance. It sounds like what a little redneck girl call her poodle, doesn't it? Come here, fiance. Get over here. You know, like this. I'm I'm just delighted to have a relationship I don't refer to as my latest emotional dependency. Um and I want to get married because I need some new material. Um and look, this is true. Like I'm was raised Southern Baptist and my boyfriend's Jewish. His parents are thrilled about this. Uh [laughter] it's like a divorced oldest Southern Gentile comedian. Do we have to plant a tree for every one of those things? And but and I tried to have my spiritual cake and eat it too. I went to this group called Jews for Jesus. You haven't lived. You've heard somebody go, "For whosoever believeth in him shall never perish, but have everlasting life." I swear. [laughter] [applause] Well, I'm going to I live in Manhattan, so I'm going to Gentile awareness classes [applause] for Gentile awareness classes. [laughter] I know we know sooner get the lids off our macaroni dishes than we're talking about crochet. Don't call my people shallow. Um, [laughter] y'all making me feel good. I had a weird day today. I got one of these phone calls. You know, Brett, I never hear from you unless you need something or you're down. And I go, "But you're my therapist." [laughter] Um, he's a nice breath. And my boyfriend's real cute, but he's not like a good-looking guy with an attitude. I can't stand these guys. The ones who like, "Don't make direct eye contact. Baby, I'll break your heart." Ever wanted to say, you know, not till they make Nautilus for the cerebellum, sweetheart. Thank you. [applause] I didn't know if they'd like that in California or not. I [laughter] wasn't sure. They do this. People make fun of Southerners up in New York. You know, they say they call them greasers. Guys up in New York wear stuff. They just call it styling gel. You know, always sit next to some real redneck on a plane from down south. You know, the guy's named Buford, wearing mentholated vitalis that seeped in so far it's eaten away most of his vital cortex. He's got like a real big belly scratching himself in places he hasn't looked at in eight or nine years. He got on one of these purple polyester shirts with white stitching on the lapel that matches the mockops crusted around the side of his mouth. It's vivid, isn't it? Yeah. And uh I always say something like, you know, I bet it scared your mama when you moved up to New York, didn't it? I want to go, yeah, like it didn't when I hung out with you AT THE CAR WASH. [laughter] I think New York City, these people should come up here be like a bigot buffet. You know, it's [cheering and applause] like, you know, rednecks to get up there and go, "Well, this is great. I can hate everybody. Where are you from? All right, get out of here." You know, it's like, I guess I want to go Buford, why don't you come up and visit me and um I'll put you on a train to Harlem and we'll just say goodbye to your greasy head once and for all. [applause] Those are fun. I have a pretty big family, I guess. Five girls. I'm the oldest and um my one of my sisters has a 2-year-old son and as it turns out it's the one who deserves one. Um he is so I mean he's like wild this little 2-year-old wild man. I think God pays you back for everything you ever did between the ages of two and three on a boy. He does. She sends him to a Frenchspeaking daycare center in Aworth, Georgia. What is this little boy going to turn out like? Well, come y'all. Shayam, [applause] you know, some little some little Goomemer latre running around the house, you know, like Costto, I don't know, Felipe, get the truck. But and my sister gained all this weight when she had her baby. I felt sorry for her. And then I started feeling sorry for him. He's going to be mad when he finds out there's more than five French fries in a Happy Meal. You know, [laughter] mama, I didn't know cookies were around till I was four. All right. [laughter] My favorite thing about going out with him is that he will say things in front of my sister in public. You've got a kid, you know this, an embarrasser. And I don't have kids, so it's like a party for me. This is true. Last year, we were at a mall at Christmas time and there was this big 15t candy cane cuz Gentiles are fun. And u and my nephew pushed it over in the mall and then like to cover himself goes, "Mama, don't hit me with that. I'm dying." You know, people were looking at us like we're the rest of the Mangala family out on it. You know, and then my sister's got this mother switch in her head. She said, "You're my little angel. I don't hit you. You're just cranky. You need a nap. Get in the car right now." We go out to the car. My sister's dribbling my nephew in the back of the minivan. You know, don't you ever tell people that in public again. and I will put you in the glove compartment. Nespa, I made a mistake then. Don't do this if you don't have children. I told my sister how to handle her kids when I have none myself. Yeah, a sympathetic grown. And I said, you know, I don't think I'll ever have to spank my children. My sister started twitching. [laughter] And I said, I think if you if you um if you if you spend time with them, they'll do what you want them to. And then my sister hit me. And then she paid me back. I had to babysit for him for 3 hours after he'd had a nap without a in the house. Honey, in 30 minutes I had the facial test. And 30 more I was threatening my nephew. I was going, "Honey, hush. You want your picture on a milk carton? [laughter] Thank you all. [music] [music]