Bobby Slayton on Evening At The Improv 1980s

Thank you. [applause] I wasn't prepared for that introduction. I was going to come up here and do nice TV material, but now I have See, I feel like I got like an image to live up to. And uh Okay, now this is sort of off the top of my head, but this is I was driving here tonight. Now, there's a line around the block on Hollywood Boulevard for the new Muppet movie. Okay, now Miss Piggy is also on the cover of TV Guide this week. Now, I hate to make fun of it, a revered institution in America, especially because so many people love the Muppets. But let me tell you something right now. Number one, I never found the Muppets to be funny. I don't like these little creatures, okay? I don't I don't see what the redeeming value is. And I mean, stop and think about it for a second. What exactly are muppets? Mutant puppets. Muppets. Okay. Muppets exposed to some kind of disease or radiation. Muppets. Right. See, I'm living down in Hollywood now. I've been living in New York for a while. Uh San Francisco. And I actually moved down here a while ago with my girlfriend. And uh my girlfriend went this week to the Shik Center to quit smoking. You've seen the ads on TV for the Shik Center. They shaved her lips off. >> [laughter] >> Don't smoke it anymore. We're good. Hey, you know, it's like amazing. Now, anybody here, okay, now either you live here in LA or you're visiting, you've been to Hollywood. You've been to Hollywood Boulevard. I'll tell you something. New York, San Francisco, Coups, lunatics, weirdos all over the place. But I have never in my life seen a collection of people that walk the streets of Hollywood. I mean, you think it's like a giant outpatient clinic here. You know, it's like the elephant man could walk down Hollywood Boulevard and realize, well, maybe life isn't so bad after all. I could be like these people over here. You know, it's like the movie industry doesn't help things cuz they come up with these sick horror movies. The guy with the axes prom night, you know, don't go in the house. He knows you're alone. Don't pick up the phone. Don't look in the basement. Don't go in the attic. Don't open the door. You know, he's walking on the beach. Don't go in the water. It's Sounds like my mother. Don't chew your food so fast. You know, don't go to the prom with the boy down the street. He's killed before. He can kill again. Don't do this. Don't do that. And these sick horror movies. Okay, now we go see these movies. We know this stuff's not real. But where do they show these films? They show them on Hollywood Boulevard to these people walking around. [laughter] And to these lunatics, these films are documentaries. [applause] [applause] Oh, so they said political. See, I don't like to get political because that, you know, it touches a lot. And Reagan, everybody makes fun of him. But, you know, now there's one thing, and this has to go on record. I got to say this. You take our president, Ronald Reagan. Look at this man. Why does he have a haircut like Gumby? You know, he looks like Gumby. I've never seen a haircut. Up and down. It's the stupidest haircut I've ever seen in my life. I don't know. But I hear Reagan's coming out with a coin to honor black women in America. You hear about this? Susan B. Anthony and the Imperials. So, make sure that [applause] it's true. And while I'm on the subject of music, you heard it here first. Could just be a rumor, but I hear Bob Dylan might be getting back together. So, you heard it here first. Oh, what else going on? Well, I like I said, I moved down from San Francisco. You know what's great about that city? Uh I lived there with my girlfriend for a year and um they've got a pooper scooper law up there. You know, just put it down anyway. That's fine. That's good. Just wait till I wait till I get to the punch line next time and then drop the glass. Okay. Anyway, we were living up there San Francisco. The pooper scooper law. You're all familiar with it. The $25 fine. you don't clean up after your dog. They actually enforce the law up there. Um, now my girlfriend left town, leaves me to take care of her dog, and I didn't mind cleaning up after the dog. What I minded was the fact that I had to clean up after her dog, which was a Chihuahua. Okay, now the most vicious animals that have ever walked the face of the earth. Okay, I've tried to be nice to this dog for years. It's a horrible creature. Okay, you ever know anybody with the Chihuahua? I don't know where these dogs came from. It's like some Nazi scientist doing experiments in Brazil, you know, mangala on acid, you know, one day he decides we'll crossbreed a rat and a piranha. [laughter] [applause] That's what they're like. Anyway, the point of the story, I'm walking my girlfriend's dog. I didn't clean up after it. Cop comes up, gives me a ticket for not cleaning up after the dog. Now, number one, the cop is on horseback. Okay? All right. He's on horseback. This is true, right? He's giving me a ticket for not cleaning up after this dog. Then you had to be there for this. He gets off the horse, starts riding me out the ticket. The horse right there breaks the exact same law and smothers my girlfriend's dog. [laughter] >> [applause]