Bob & Ray "The Two and Only" comedy LP

[music] This is Wally Belaloo backstage at the Golden Theater Lake. We're here to get some of the color and the excitement of the theater [music] just before curtain time. Right now, the various members of the crew are going about their business. The prop band is making a last minute check of things. And [music] you, sir, what do you do here? >> I raise the curtain. >> Could I have your name, please? >> Hector Lassie. Classy L A S S I E. >> Yes, sir. >> Are you at any relationship? >> Yes, I'm her brother. >> Well, it's good to hear Wally Belaloo again. Wally Belaloo has been with us since the inception, all these years. He's a great broadcaster. Uh his first name, incidentally, is Wallace. Those of you who are taking notes, [laughter] Wallace Belaloo. Uh it's been a privilege and a pleasure for me to have been associated with him all these years. Uh he's the anchor man, you know, for the Fin League Quality Network [laughter] and he has received down through the years 15 Diction awards. >> 17 17 Diction awards. Two of those were cufflings. [laughter] And at the time he didn't have a shirt with French cuffs, but uh that's a long time ago. Wally Blue is played by uh >> Bob. >> Bob, I can never get you guys straight. >> You probably noticed that we have a kind of an attic setting back here. We thought it was an appropriate uh place to put things that we may use during the show and some that we won't. For instance, Ray will not be using the trapeze at this performance. We'll be meeting people back there and previewing some of the Finley Network programs that uh >> Bob, I don't want to interrupt you. You're doing so very well, Eric. >> Please do. >> But there is a fast breaking news story happening in Time Square. And Wally Belaloo being the great broadcaster that he is, is Johnny on the spot. So in Time Square, please come in Wally Belaloo. Lee Belaloo here in Time Square, waiting for any fast-breaking news story that may take place. I've discovered over the years that if you strike up a conversation with a perfect stranger, you usually get a pretty good news story. And there's a gentleman over here who looks fairly interesting. I think maybe we'll get one from him. Could I have your name and what you do, sir, please? >> Ward Smith. I raise cranberries. I own cranberry parks. >> That's very interesting. I've always been curious about how cranberries are grown. You have to be very careful of frost, don't you? >> Oh, yes. If there's danger of frost, you have to flood the box. And then you pick them when they're big and red and ripe and juicy and bitter as anything. [laughter] >> This is Wallyoo with a cranberry story fast breaking here in Time Square. Tell me, Mr. Smith, you harvest cranberries in the fall, don't you? >> Yes, you do. >> After you harvest them, do you have your own processing plant? >> What do you mean by that? [laughter] >> By that, I mean, do you have your own factory for squeezing the juice out of the cranberries? >> Squeezing juice out of cranberries? >> Yes, for your cranberry juice cocktail. Like that? >> I never heard of that. [laughter] >> Well, do you sell them to people to make jelly out of? Jelly out of cranberries? >> Well, what is there? Pectin in them or something? >> Well, I don't know what's in them, but I know you do make jelly out of them. >> Cranberry sauce is very delicious, too. That has the whole cranberry in it. >> Oh, what's that? Like a dessert you pour over ice cream? >> Oh, no. You serve it as a [music] side dish with old turkey or other kinds of meat. >> Uh-huh. >> Cranberry sherbet is a nice dessert. Very refreshing. All right. You uh >> I think you've been missing a lot of the uses for cranberries, Mr. Smith. >> Oh, can you make other stuff out of them? Like glass? [laughter] >> No, I don't think you can make glass of them. >> Do you uh have a pencil? I'd like to write this down. I'll forget it. Sure. I'm shooting. >> Yes. Here you are. >> Ranberry jelly. >> Jelly and >> cranberry juice. >> J U I C E. >> What's that? >> I E. I thought there was a J in June. >> J U I C E. [laughter] >> You said something else. >> Cranberry sherbet for dessert. >> Right. Very good. Sherbet. >> Well, thank you very much, Mr. Blue. You've opened my eyes to the many uses of cranberries. >> Well, I'm glad I've been able to be of some help. Before you go, can I ask you one question? >> Yes. >> All the years you've been growing these things, what have you been doing with them? >> Well, I've been selling them in a basket like strawberries or cranberry shortcake. [laughter] >> You know, they never did sell that way either. I shouldn't imagine that. Then is the Cranberry story and this is Wally Baloo in Times Square returning it to the studio. [applause] So have you noticed lately uh the invogue words uh words like uh well I guess they always were in the dictionary but suddenly you hear them more and more words like porative charisma certainly uh dichotomy suskinisms we call them we uh we use that in the pjorative sense of course and expertise you hear that all the time now that implies that you're listening to the words of an expert and that's one thing we have plenty of here today are experts. We're delighted to have with us the worldrenowned Komodo Dragon Authority from Upper Montlair, New Jersey, Dr. Daryl Dexter. Dr. Dexter, would you tell everybody all about the Komodo dragon, please? The Komodo dragon is the world's largest living lizard. [laughter] It's found on the steep sloped island of Komodo in the lesser sunda chain of the Indonesian archipelago and nearby Ringa Padaran Flores. It's a ferocious carnivory and one swipe of its tail can render an enemy senseless. Where do they come from? >> [laughter] >> The Komodo dragon, the world's largest living lizard, is found on the steep sloped island of Komodo, hence its name. And that is in the lesser sunda chain of the Indonesian archipelago and the nearby islands of Renja Padar and Flores. We have two in this country. Two Komodo dragons which were given to us some years ago by the late former premier of Indonesia Sarno. I believe I read somewhere where a foreign potentate gave America some promoted right. [laughter] Is that true? Yes, the former premier of Indonesia, Sarno, gifted this country with two Komodo dragons, world's largest [laughter] living lizards, some years ago, and they're in the National Zoo in Washington. Well, now if we wanted to take the children to see a Komodo dragon, uh, where would we take the children to see a Komodo dragon? If you were in the vicinity of our nation's capital, Washington DC, you would take the kiddos to the National Zoo, [laughter] and there you would see two Komodo dragons, the world's largest living lizards. There's a stuffed Komodo dragon in the lobby of the Royal Hotel in Catmandeue, Nepal. >> I believe they're of the lizard family, aren't they? >> Yes, they're the world's largest living lizard. And they're ferocious carnivory. One swipe of their tail can render an enemy. >> I believe we've just about exhausted the subject. I want to thank you very much for coming by. I know it works a great hardship on you to come in here from upper Mont Clair, New Jersey. >> Yes. >> And I want to thank you. Do you have a ride home? >> No, I don't. >> Well, uh maybe somebody here in the audience would be kind enough to give you a lift after the show. >> That would be very nice. Thank you. >> Thank you. [applause] Another uh member of our staff family who's been with us almost as long as Wally Blue is Gabe Preston. Gabe is our Washington correspondent. He reports in on a fairly regular basis with stories of a political nature uh or anything with a Washington touch to it. retape it and uh use it later in the uh evening sometimes. I think he's just about due to call in now. >> Bob, this is Gabe Preston in Washington. >> Hi, Gabe. This is Bob. Where are you in Washington? >> Yeah, Washington. Where else? Look, I have a fairly important story here. I wish you'd get it down on tape as soon as possible and then get on the air. Okay. >> Okay. Got a big story, huh? >> Okay. Well, the tape looks as if it's all set to go. So, anytime you're ready, >> I'll go right now. Hello, everybody. This is Gabe Preston. An important story. >> Gabe, hold it just a minute, will you, please? I've got an idea. If this is such an important story, why don't I put the introduction right on the tape? Then we'll have the whole thing as a unit. We can play it all at once. >> Well, I'll tell you what. Why don't you give me a go ahead? You know, just say go ahead. >> Well, I can't do that if I've just introduced you. Sounds >> all right. What's the queue again now? >> Kind of awkward. Q will be Washington. Okay. >> Okay. Let's roll the tape back and we'll see if uh we get a clean start. Now for up totheminute news stories from our nation's capital our nation's capital >> an important Yeah. >> I wasn't finished introducing you yet. >> Well, you said nation's capital. >> That's right. >> Washington is the nation's capital. >> Well, I know they're one and the same thing, but we've got to have a a clean cue. The word Okay. >> The word Washington. Okay. Right. >> Let's roll it back and get a clean start. >> Okay. >> Fine. >> Now for up tothem minutee news stories from our nation's capital. >> We take you to Washington and Gabe Preston. [laughter] >> Gabe. >> Yeah. Where's the queue? >> Well, I said it, didn't I? >> I didn't hear any Q. You sent Washington in there someplace. >> I don't want to be here all night. You know, I'm getting very confused here. >> You can't be. >> This is a fairly important story. Could we get it on, please? >> Certainly. What would you like me to give you as >> How about here's Gabe Preston? Just that. >> I tell you what, why don't you just go ahead and tape the story and I'll put the introduction in live when we want to play it. >> Okay. I thought that's what we're going to do in the first place. >> Much much better that way. Let me roll it back once more and we'll we'll start it. We'll get it this time. This is Gabe Pres. >> See, I didn't think you were going to start us. >> I'm sorry. I I stepped on your line there. >> Yeah, I heard it. >> I'll just let it run. Go ahead. >> This is Gabe Preston in Washington, DC, our nation's capital. An important story broke here today. >> Hold it, Gabe. I'm out of Forget about it. [applause] Just a few moments ago over here in Ocean City, New Jersey, [music] they crowned the winner of the 1970 Most Beautiful Face Contest. And we've been granted the first interview with the winner. Is our lovely guest in front of the camera? >> Yes, I am. [laughter] >> Well, wait a minute. Uh, you're a man, aren't you? >> That's right. >> Well, you must be the first man to have ever won the most beautiful face contest. >> I believe I am. >> Well, to be perfectly honest with you, I was all set to talk to a young lady. I don't know if my questions are particularly appropriate. Your vital statistics? >> 7 and 1/4, 15, 32. Well, let's start at the uh the fundamentals. What's your name and where you from? >> Fontock P. Bodri of Molen, Illinois. >> Well, congratulations, Sponsor. I have been requested to remind you of the obligations you assumed when you were crowned a few moments ago. You know, of course, you'll be showing your beautiful face all over this country this coming year. Yes. Will I be chaperoned on that tour? >> Sure you will. Incidentally, should you do anything to bring disgrace or cause scorn to fall upon the most beautiful face contest, the committee and or its sponsors, then your title will pass to the first runner up. >> Well, I don't plan to do anything wrong. >> Well, the committee just couldn't take that chance. FSAR, could you tell us of that magic moment when you heard your name announced as winner? Did you cry a little? >> Oh, a little, I guess. [clears throat] >> But, uh, I would describe it as feeling dumbfounded. That's about how I'd describe it. >> You know, now that I look at you, you do have a beautiful face at that. My neatly chiseled features stand out. >> Uh, classic Grecian, I'd say. >> I'm told they're Roman. Huh? I know your eyes are well set apart. Well, how did you come by all this beauty? >> Well, both my parents were pretty. [laughter] You have any pretty brothers and sisters at home? >> No, I'm a beautiful only child. >> Are you the least bit self-conscious? I mean, are you uh uh >> embarrassed to be so beautiful? >> Yeah. >> No, I'm used to it now. >> You get used to that. Do you notice women stopping and staring at your beautiful face on the street? >> Yes. >> Get used to that, too? >> Yes. >> Well, as the possessor of a beautiful face, do you take any special precautions? Like when you shave? >> No, I use a fresh blade every day. >> Uh-huh. Well, how about in the winter time? Do you put a protective muffler about your features to protect them from the cold weather? >> No, I just walk with my back to the wind. Well, Fartock, as you know, all happy times really race by. Have you uh given any thought to the future? I mean, is it Hollywood in the movies or television or just what? >> Well, of course, I've thought about that uh life of glamour and glitter, tinsel, but I've decided against it. I don't want to be just another beautiful face. [laughter] >> [applause] [applause] >> And I say, is the tape still rolling? >> Oh, hi Gabe. You want to try that story again? >> Yeah, it looks as if it's okay. >> Very good. >> How's the weather down there? >> Oh, it's very nice. Beautiful day. >> Turned cool here. >> Mhm. >> Anytime you're ready. >> Just before Just let me take that. >> Let's roll it back. Then we won't have any false start of the day. Okay. >> This is Gabe Preston in Washington just before noon this morning. >> Oh, >> excuse me, Gabe. I cleared my throat and the microphone was open. >> I know. I heard it. >> Better start again. Let me let me roll back again. >> Okay. [clears throat] >> This is Gabe Preston in Washington. A little before noon, two other newsmen and I made a trip over to the Plat to the Platant. to the patent office. >> Want to take it again? >> Yeah, let me take that again. >> Okay, let's roll back. >> Went over the patent office. Huh. >> Yeah, the patent office. Right. [laughter] >> Okay. This is Gabe Preston in Washington. Two other newsmen and I took a trip over to the patent office shortly before noon today to follow up a lead concerning a patent just issued on a thing called edible food packages. It seems the >> Gabe, you're going great. [laughter] Oh, I got carried away. You You were doing it so well. >> Look, I don't want to be here all day, you know. >> I know. I don't know why this should be so difficult. >> Well, let's try it again. Huh? >> Would you stand back from the microphone, please? >> Yeah. >> And be quiet. >> Right. >> Is it running? >> It's running. >> This is Gabe Preston in Washington. The patent office has issued a patent to a manufacturer who plans to turn out food products wrapped in packages which are themselves edible. Shortly before Shortly before >> uh let's forget it for now, Gabe. Huh? >> Try you later. [applause] Uh, rumor has it that the Finley Quality Network is thinking on getting into the late night sweep stakes for the TV audience with the desk and sofa type of program. It's going to be called the Larry Love Breath Show. Now, they have two big disadvantages working against it. One is they can't clear one continuous hour of time from their affiliate stations. They have to do it in hunks and pieces. >> [laughter] >> And another big disadvantage is that uh all their affiliate stations sign off at local sunset so that [laughter] their late night show goes on about 3 or 3:30 in the afternoon. [laughter] But if and when uh it does go on, we're sure it will sound like this. Now, here's Larry. >> Yes, it's another Larry Love Breath show. And as I promised, I have a famous Broadway actor as guest. Last night, a new play opened on Broadway called The Tender T-Bone. And it starred the veteran of stage, screen, radio, television, the orchestra world, Barry Campbell. Incidentally, the play closed last night, too. Let's give a big welcome nevertheless to a great guy, Barry Camp. [applause] >> I have to say I uh was quite impressed with that edible food package story. I was thinking [laughter] that that would be a great boon for actors on the road. >> I don't know. I hadn't heard about it. I wanted to ask you about that title, Tender T-Bone. Is that something out of Shakespeare or what? >> No, it's a love story that takes place in the Chicago stockyards. And since the stockyards are now closed, it's more or less a period piece. >> And you had been rehearsing for some four or five months for this >> uh since April. And intensive rehearsal since August. Yes. This was the first Broadway show in which you attempted to dance. >> Yes, that's true. >> I say attempted because one of the critics this morning pointed out in his review that you stumbled across the stage much in the manner of a bull in a china shop. I I think that's how he expressed it. >> He has a real flare for words. Would you say >> actually what happened was this. I tripped on a small scatter rug. just inside the foyer of the girl's apartment. >> This is the girl you play opposite the love interest. >> I'm supposed to win the girl, but I've uh developed such a feeling toward her that I couldn't go through with any of the kissing or the hugging or anything. >> You mean you really had an honest dislike for her? >> Well, I think it was because we were together so much. By the time the curtain went up last night, I couldn't stand the sight of her. >> Well, that must have thrown the other actors off a little bit, didn't it? Well, not as much as when I forgot my lines. >> Yeah, I was going to mention that, too. This same critic pointed out a little further along in his review that there was a time there in the second act when for some 20 or 30 minutes, no one said a word, right? How did you cover up for that? >> I read a newspaper. Well, you are luckier than the rest of the cast, huh? >> Well, I thought so until three people got up out of their seats and came right up on the stage and one with great hostility singled me out. I couldn't get over that. >> Did the rest of the audience realize that wasn't part of the show? >> Oh, I don't know. They were walking up and down the aisle, visiting with one another. They were having a perfectly charming evening in the theaters. Well, it's certainly one I wish I had attended. I'm sorry I missed it. Better luck on your next show. Barry Campbell. >> Uh, I leave Tuesday on a cultural exchange trip to Europe. Yes, I fly from New York here to Belgium, and then I go up to Switzerland, then down to Italy, then up to Yugoslavia, then out to Moscow, and then down to Istanbul. A beautiful cruise through the Greek isles to Cairo and down to Johannesburg and then back up here to White Plains. Well, it sounds like an exciting trip and one we'll want to hear all about when you come back. >> I have to be back [laughter] >> the end of January for a February 1st booking with my new allgirl orchestra. >> Going back into the band business, huh? >> We're going to feature the Theramman. Now, this is an electrically charged stainless steel pole that you play by placing your hand either close to it or far away. these wonderful sounds to work in our lush arrangements. We plan to fill a need that we think exists in this country for beautiful music with this new orchestra. >> Thank you, Barry. Barry Campbell, star of stage, screen, television, radio. [applause] Uh this is a surprise time for me because I haven't had an opportunity to meet and talk with our next guest. Incidentally, this uh this chair here sat in Mary McNun's dining room for years and years. I don't know if that has any special meaning to you, sir. No. But would you sit there now and and tell us your name, please? Harlo P. Whitam. >> And where are you from? >> From Glenn's Falls, >> New York. [laughter] New York. >> And what do you do? I am the president and recording >> secretary >> secretary of the S T O A. >> What does that stand for? >> [laughter] >> slow talkers of [laughter] America. We >> believe >> in speaking slowly >> in forming >> your words and thoughts, our ideas and opinions clearly before speaking [laughter] we speak. [laughter] We are here in New York City in [laughter] the city of New York attending a convention. Our annual convention membership convention [laughter] convention All of our members, >> all 200 >> members [laughter] and 50 members, [laughter] >> seven members >> are here >> speaking talking >> slowly >> slowly >> so that you'll never be misunderstood. as opposed to the members of the F >> T O A T O A O >> A fast >> talkers of America. Talkers of America of America. Our credo >> is to speak slowly. >> Goes [laughter] something like this. >> Would you lower the curtain, please? >> Be a nervous wreck. [applause] [applause] Now, here's Larry. >> [music] >> Thank you very much. And I'd like to have you meet a gentleman who signs his card saying that he's here in this country with a troop of performing French poodles and he signs in as Maitelland W. Mont Morreny. Would you welcome him, please? Maitlin, come on up. [applause] My name is John W. Norris. I have terrible handwriting. [laughter] >> [laughter] >> Okay, John, I notice uh we're looking at uh at your card again that uh before you got into this dog act, you had something to do with parakeetses. Is that right? >> Yes, a parakeet trainer. >> What does that involve, John? Well, it involves a parakeet and a cage and a chair and a whip [laughter] and a pistol and some newspaper. [laughter] But now you work exclusively with this dog actor. How many do you have? >> Uh, we have seven. We had three and then four more joined us here in early August. Could you describe uh one or two of the tricks that the dogs perform? >> Yes. Uh one of the larger poodles holds out a hoop and I jump through it. >> That must be something that's never been done before, I guess. >> Oh, I don't know. Then he gets up on a chair and he holds out the hoop and this time I get a running head start and as I go through the hoop, I do a twist about and at the far end I do a somersault. >> Pretty fancy. >> Yeah. And if I do it good, he gives me a dry martini. >> Does he know >> if I do it good? Oh, yes. They're very smart dogs. Then at the end of the act, I lie down on the floor >> and play dead. >> Oh, have you seen it? >> I think uh I know you have a performance and I think your troop is calling for you now. So, we'll let you go. John Norvis, ladies and gentlemen, >> [applause] [applause] >> He's a real wonderful guest. We're going to have him back. Right now, I'd like to ask you to pay attention to this public service announcement. The National Parks Association reminds you not to throw things into the Grand Canyon. The Grand Canyon is your canyon. It's the deepest canyon we have, but it will cease to be the deepest canyon. If tourists and campers keep throwing things into it, if you want to help in this great campaign to preserve our natural wonders, use the litter cans on your city sidewalks. Don't throw things into the Grand Canyon. I know. [applause] I know only two things about this next guest. His name, which is Clinton Snidley, and the fact that he keeps wild boars in his apartment. Uh there should be a story there somewhere. Let's uh let's see if we can get it. Clinton Snider, ladies and gentlemen, come on up. [applause] Clint, >> you say you keep wild boars in your apartment? Yes, I do. >> Why? Well, why why do you do that, John? >> Cuz I need them in my business, >> which is what? >> I'm a truffle hunter. [laughter] >> I know. I have heard that there is a connection between wild boores and truffles, but I don't know exactly what it is. Could you explain it? >> Well, truffles are growths that appear on the roots of oak trees, and you need wild boores to sniff them out. Oh. Well, where do you find the oak trees here in the city? >> Up in that big park there. >> Up in Central Park. >> Yes. >> Could you explain uh how you work? How you do this? >> Yes. I come across the street with my wild pores on a leash. See? And I take them up to an oak tree and they sniff around. And where they sniff the most, I drive a steak in the ground. Then I take my wild boys back across the street, put them in the apartment, get a shovel, and I come back and I dig where I have the steak in the ground, and I get up some truffles. Sometimes I get a truffle that big. I get $3 for a truffle that size. >> Well, they're expensive, huh? >> Yeah. And I sell them to Dion Lucas and people like that. >> Don't you run into uh trouble with the city authorities digging around the trees in Central Park. You know, I get a lot of crank phone calls from my neighbors in the wee hours of the morning and a lot of unsigned mail, but uh that all tapers off at Christmas time when they get that smoked ham. Uh-huh. It's a little uh payoff you have working there, huh? Let me ask you this. It may have occurred to you. It certainly has to me. Don't you think it's a little bit unfair to keep a pack of wild boores penned up in one small room of a city apartment? >> Well, you care how I take care of my wild boar. >> Well, I'm an animal lover and I just >> Wait, let me finish now. Wait a minute. What would you do if you had a bunch of wild bo? >> I haven't given it any >> to keep them somewhere. You can't let them run free. They're wild beasts, you know. >> That's right. I know they are. >> Trouble with you fellas. You put your foot in it all the time. I came here to talk about wild boars, truffles, maybe a recipe, right? Suddenly you're an animal lover. I'm some kind of a nut. >> I think I'll go home. Who needs it? I don't even own a TV set. [applause] Well, that's the show. What are you going to do? Be back again soon. This is sports cer Burns [music] with another edition of pregame dugout dialogues. Today we're going to chat with a grizzled veteran of some 20 years in the game who's finally retiring. And I refer, of course, to Stuffy Hodson. Stuffy, how do you feel? >> Well, I feel uh pretty sad naturally, this being the last day and all. Pretty sad. >> Well, I guess that's a reasonable feeling, but all in all, you uh you can't complain. Over the years, the game has been pretty good to you, stuff. >> Well, not as good to me as some of these young punks that are coming along. >> Well, I uh sense a note of ranker there. What do you mean? >> Well, I don't know. This game passed me by somewhere. Now, uh when I first came up, playing the game was everything. Sure, you got paid for it, but now all the kids think about is the big bonus, the big salaries, the big homes, the big cars, the beautiful women, the vintage wines, making TV movies and commercials, and sleeping late in the morning. [laughter] >> Looks like guys like you went wrong somewhere along the line, doesn't it? >> Well, like I say, this game passed me by somewhere. I don't know. Now they get these kids, they have these little radios going in the locker room all day playing a bunch of noise. I don't understand that music. Now, whatever happened to the songs that Kate Smith and Pat Boon sang? Those guys sang real songs. >> Well, I don't know. It's good to see though that uh you've maintained your sense of humor. >> You have to. [laughter] >> In fact, uh Stuffy, you've got a pretty good reputation around the uh sports banquet circles as a a real great guy when it comes to telling a sports story. I wonder if you could give us one of those baseball anecdotes of yours. >> Well, sure. I always remember the first time I came up to bat in the big leagues. I was just a kid and they had this big left-hander out on the hill that day. You remember him? >> I think I do. Yeah. >> Well, he's throwing real smoke that day. See, I couldn't see these pictures at all. So, the third strike goes by and the empire says, "You're out." So, I was young and nervous and everything. I took my bat and I threw it straight up in the air. See? So, the umpire took off his mask and he came over to me and he said, "Young man, I was a young man then. As a young man, if that bat comes down, you're out of the game. [laughter] The kids don't have jokes and anecdotes like that. Now, their idea of a joke is what they've been doing to me lately. >> What's that? >> Well, they uh loosen the spikes on my shoes so I run wobbly. You know, and they put oysters down in my glove and they put cheese up here in the sweatb band of my calf. Took me to August to track that down. >> And here the other day, they dumped a pale of water on me and a sports writer back there. Like the Vicks guy. You know, >> I want I don't want to change the subject, but uh you know, you've been known as a guy over the years that like to uh bend the old elbow to all hours of the day or night. You haven't taken too much care of your diet. And yet still at all, you're in pretty good shape physically, Stuffy. How do you account for that? >> Well, I wouldn't put too much stock in what you say there. No. You see, the worst thing that ever happened to this game was this here astroturf. It's like playing the game on a billion table. Your infielders are back there to make a play. The ball takes these crazy hops, jumps up, and hits them here on a clavicle. Now, you got to have ground under you. You got to know you're standing on the ground. You got to dig in. You got to make a play. You better make that play. If you don't make that play, you're not going to win this game. This goes for both teams irregardless. Stuffy, you think they're going to retire your number now? >> No, they got some young punk wearing it here now. >> Well, I see the mayor and Mickey Mattel and George Jessel coming into the dugout for the retirement ceremony. So, I'm just going to say thanks for talking with me. Lots of luck. We'll see you around stuff. And this is Biff Burns saying until next time. This is Biff Burns saying goodbye. [applause] >> [applause] >> We'd like to show you uh tonight what one of the new fall winter programs of the Finley Quality Network is going to look like. They're putting great uh faith in this show and it looks like a real big one. They call it news in depth. [music] Our [music] first guest on News in Depth is a gentleman who holds down a highly important albeit little known government position. He is the eastern regional coordinator of interbureau administration for the northeast states, southern Indiana, and Ohio. And I refer to Mr. Clyde L. Hap Martney. Hap, it's a pleasure to have you here. >> Thank you. I want you to know that everybody in Washington watches your show all the time. >> It's good to know. >> Now, I've taken the liberties to go ahead here and prepare some questions and answers so that there will be no misunderstanding as to what we do down there in Washington in our office. Exactly what we do. >> Well, I was going to just fire away questions at you. >> You'll uh right here where I have Bob, that's for you. Then I have the answers written down here. Okay. App there seems to be some confusion in many circles as to the responsibility of the Federal Reserve Board and Bank Visa B as to the World Bank. [laughter] >> Could you clear it up for us? >> I'm glad you asked me that question. The Federal Reserve Board is a semiquasy governmental agency that operates the Federal Reserve Bank and also proposes interest rates that member institutions should charge. And the World Bank, >> I was getting to that. The World Bank's function is to loan money, capital that is, to emerging nations to encourage their growth. Next question. As I understand it, the interest rate charged by banks has a definite relationship to the prime interest rate suggested by the Federal Reserve Bank. That's not even a question. I think I know what you're trying to ask, though. Member banks borrow money at little or no interest in order to have funds to lend to business and individuals at prime rates. You certainly know your subject matter. Allow me to congratulate you. [laughter] So many of my guests come here and don't seem to be familiar with their own jobs. >> [laughter] >> THAT IS VERY KIND OF YOU. [laughter] We at Interbureau Coordination pride ourselves on our complete dedication to the serious responsibility that is squarely placed on us. I'm sure our broad shoulders will more than bear up under the tremendous pressure. >> I want to thank you, Mr. Hartney for coming here tonight and so brilliantly describing your office and its functions. You have spruced up an otherwise ordinary program. [laughter] You are more than kind [laughter] and I might add very discerning. >> I want you to know the welcome man is always down for you, Mr. Warney and the door is always open. Good guests like you are hard to come by. Thank you and good night. [applause] [applause] Wally Belaloo of our election coverage team has just predicted defeat for candidate Neil A. Sturbush in his race for county commissioner. Now, what makes this more than uh ordinarily interesting is the fact that Sturbush spent more of his own money in waging his campaign than any candidate on record has ever spent before. So, now let's go to Sturbush headquarters for what undoubtedly will be a speech of concession. Will you all simmer down, please? Will you all be quiet? I uh I guess you all heard when I did that Mr. Beloo is predicting my defeat. I guess I lost. Well, those things will happen. I I'd like to say a few things. I know that after my opponent is in office a couple of months that people are going to come to me and say, "I wish now I voted for you, Sir Bush. You're all right. He's a bum. Won't you please run again?" You know what I'm going to say to them? I'M NUTS. YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE to vote for me and you didn't. Nice. I'm never going to run again. I uh I spent a fortune in television and radio. All I got left is what I got here in my pocket. I uh I'd like to say one thing in conclusion. You're just not going to have Neil servos to kick around anymore. [applause] [music] Now to analyze Mr. Sturbush's speech, here is Finley Network's David Cetley. David. In exactly 150 words, Neil A. Sturbush has left little doubt that he has lost the race [laughter] and further that he does not intend to run again. With some degree of circulatory skill, he has couched the absinian vehements of his address in a paraphrasic bit of kajouistry which is paralogistic on the one hand and incapacious on the other. Indeed, his Jeremiah, his thrinity, call it what you will, can only be accepted for what it is, an atrobillious amphigory. This is David Gentley. >> Thank you, David. You took the words right out of my mouth. [laughter] Now, we've been asked to make the following announcement by the Treasury Department. Citizens, our money is your money. We print it for you to use. It's for your convenience. Make more use of money. It's handy. It's dependable. It's trustworthy. Money orders, checks, bank drafts, credit cards are good in their way, but money is better. [laughter] It's easy to carry. It transfers quickly and is soft to the touch. It comes in a lovely green color which is pleasant to the eye. It has pleasing pictures on it of Alexander Hamilton, George Washington, Andrew Jackson, and the White House. [laughter] The numbers are large and clearly legible. So if you want money, just write and tell us how much and in what denomination. Use money every day. It's the American way. >> [applause] [music] >> The story of this man's trial has been front page news in most of our newspapers across the country for the past several weeks. He is the corrupt mayor of Skunk Haven, New Jersey. Mayor Ralph Moody the Mayor The >> Thank you. Is the jury uh is the jury still out? >> Yes, but my lawyer is negotiating with the foreman of that August group now. We feel we have nothing to fear. We believe we can attract more flies with honey than you can with vinegar. Allow to go back over your checkered career uh briefly. You were a petty forger, a master swindler, a convicted embezzler, >> uh convicted of perjury several times. >> How does one start on a life of corruptness such as you've built for yourself, Mr. Mayor? >> Oh, uh I guess it all started when I was a kid. I used to cheat in exams in grade school and uh I used to tell malicious lies about my fellow students to the teacher. You see, I always believed that I could build myself up by tearing others down. >> Then after you completed your formal education, I believe you developed an interest in financial matters, lending money, >> loan sharking. >> Yes. Yes, I did that for several years until the criminal element in town asked me to run for public office. [laughter] I took that as a mandate. >> I remember that first election. It still stands as the crookedest in skunk haven history. >> Thank you. [laughter] And that was the beginning. And now down through the years through your various administrations, you've managed to riddle each and every department with corruption from the top right on through even to the visiting nurse association. [laughter] I'd like to ask you a question and uh don't answer right away. Give it give it a little bit of thought. Would you say it's easier to be corrupt today than it was oh 10 15 years ago? >> Oh my. Yes. Here 10 or 15 years ago it was a disgrace to be corrupt. No. No. It's a rich fertile field. I would recommend it to anybody with a devious mind who was willing to put in long long hours without working hard. and he will find it terribly enriching, fully rewarding. >> Well, thank you, Mr. Mayor. I'm sure we've all been able to draw something from your words, and we'll all be anxious to see how the jury finds when it comes back in. >> Don't give it a thought. I'm not. Fair out there. [applause] For our wrap-up story on In-Depth News Tonight, we go to Washington and a live report from correspondent Gabe Preston on a new development called edible food packaging. Come in, please, Gabe. >> How you doing, Bob? >> [laughter] >> Fine, Gabe. We'd like >> How you doing? You're all right. We >> You're all right. Bob, >> how you doing? >> Okay, fine. >> Hey, have you tried that foodable package? >> Well, that's uh that's what we were calling you in for. We wanted the story of that edible food package. >> How you doing? >> You're all right. You're all right. Gabe, have you been in the >> Swedish choir? [laughter] >> Have you been in the studio ever since I talked to you last? >> Well, I went out for a sandwich. This is I just just got back. >> Maybe he's all right. >> Well, he's all right. All right. >> Could we have the story, Gabe, please? >> How you doing? >> Fine. >> We wanted to kind of wrap it up with that live report on uh edible food packaging. This is Gabe Preston in Washington. Two other newsmen and I took a trip over to the patent office shortly before noon today to follow up a lead concerning a patent just issued on a thing called edible food packages. So get ready, America. Now you can eat not only commercially processed food, but the package it comes in. How about that? >> Thank you, Gage. And that's news and death for tonight. [applause] [applause] [applause] How many will you be? >> One. >> You'll be one? >> Yes. >> Sit right here. >> One alone to be alone. >> Oh. Say, uh, do you have a kitty's menu? >> A what? >> A kitty's menu. Well, that's our regular menu. That's what everybody orders from. >> No, I want to order from a kiddies menu. [laughter] See, uh, I like childrensized portions, and I like to have my meat cut up for me. You want to sit here and order from our children's menu? >> Yes. >> Wouldn't you feel silly in front of all these people? >> Would you be embarrassed? >> Well, I'm embarrassed now that you raise your voice and everybody's looking at me. >> Couldn't I please have kitties menu? >> I suppose so. You want a high chair, too? >> One alone. Oh, boy. Oh boy. [laughter] >> You like that? >> It's a bunny rabbit. >> Yes, it's a cotton tail. >> Boy, >> don't bend the bunny rabbit ears. >> Well, let me see. Let me have this uh Jack Sprat fruit cocktail. Uh Humpty Dumpty egg salad. Big Bad Wolf liver and onions. Let me have uh turkey lucky with gravy. >> All right. That's number three. >> Yeah. And uh Old Mother Hubbet mashed squash. >> Could I recommend the Silverbell and cockle shell salad? >> Thank you. Oh, and for dessert, let me have this uh little Miss Muffet curds and way pudding with the lollipop in it. >> Maybe you'd like to take the menu along home with you. Most of the kids who come in here do. >> Oh, thank you. Oh, look. For starters, would you bring me a Shirley Temple straight up, please? [applause] Thank you. There are two uh members of our uh family that we haven't introduced and I think maybe we should. They're the nonidentical twin band leaders, Claude and Clyde Mcbibi. How are you McBi? >> Fine. >> Hey, it's always a pleasure to come to say hello to you. >> What is this? >> What is this? Some kind of an addict back here? Yes, we thought it was kind of an appropriate setting to put things that we could use and places to walk back through there, you know. >> Looks like a bunch of bunch of just lust. >> Are you planning to go out with the McBi twins orchest noation? >> Prohibited. So, this winter stay home. Shovel up. Drive home. Shovel snow. Drive home. >> How about this past summer? Did you do anything exciting that you like to tell us about? >> Uh, yeah. >> We had a nice cream truck out here in the summer. Ray >> and you know that one week in August when we featured coconut on top. >> That was really a big seller. Really a big seller. You know another thing. Vanilla is a very steady steady seller. >> Put your money on vanilla. >> Sell a ton of vanilla. >> A ton of vanilla. Always vanilla. >> Stock up big on big on vanilla. >> Thank you very much. I'm glad we didn't FORGET TO INTRODUCE YOU. >> WELL, THANKS. Always a pleasure. [applause] Heat up [applause] here. >> [applause]