Bob Dubac on Evening At The Improv (?) 1980s

Thank you. Thanks. Check. One, two. Test. One, two, three. Hi. Can you hear me? Okay. Good. Cuz we're having a little trouble with the sound system, but let's get started. Yeah, let's do that. Okay. How you guys doing? All right. Pretty good. Good. Yeah. I um you got in for free cuz it's a television show, right? You didn't have to pay tonight cuz Bud usually charges I guess like five bucks uh to get in. Uh unless you're wearing a suit, then it's like eight bucks to get in, right? And uh if you like uh have shorts on, it's like $3. If you have a leisure suit, it's $25 to get in here, right? If you're naked, you get in for free. And if you're ugly, we even give you a couple of dollars. So, [laughter] uh, I'm making some money. Yes, sir. Don't forget, though, there is a minimum, a drink minimum. There's a two drink minimum per comedian. And we have 117 comedians coming up here tonight. All right. We even have Yeah. >> Best thing I've heard. >> Terrific. I've got a >> You're out of control. >> No, I've got a Great. Yeah. Stick around for 117. You might be 118 when you're going up here. Yeah. But the comedians have a drink minimum, too. We have a uh one drink minimum every time you laugh. So, every time you laugh, I have to take Thank you. Good. Thank you. [laughter] Yeah. I like it when you laugh cuz I'm an alcoholic. Not such good seats anymore, are they? No. [laughter] Anyway, you guys like to get freaked out? >> Okay, go ahead. Hurry up. I'll wait. Is that it? This is great. If you want to freak people out, get a pair of these and walk into a Denny's at about 5 in the morning. Okay. Order some bizarre stuff like Yeah. Give me a cheese omelette. Hold the eggs. I want a Bal Sunny, some fur cookies, spam yogurt, and a Velcro sandwich. All right, pal. I want a dwarf with no lips to go. Okay. The guy freaks out. He forgets how to speak English and consequently goes back to work in a 7-Eleven. Now, [laughter] if you don't Oh, if you really want to freak him out, take your mustache off. Okay. and like wear it up here and tell everybody you're Greek. Okay. [applause] [applause] Good to be here. Jared the Improv. This is a part of my tour, my KTEL best hits United States tour. Doing a lot of traveling. I just moved out here. You can kind of tell where people are from just by their body language out here, can't you? You can tell if somebody's from Malibu. It's okay. Huh? Yeah. You can tell if somebody lives in the valleys. Yeah. Okay. Where are you? Huh? Would you tell them? [laughter] You know, and it's bizarre. And we never say what we feel, do we? Now, tell me. I don't know why we are so defensive. I'm not real defensive. A little bit. Not too much. Sometimes a little bit. Not too much. Okay. But it's like we'll be in a bar, right? You're in a bar. Now, guys, tell me if this isn't true. You're in a bar. You want to talk to a real pretty girl. Instead of saying what you feel, you say something like, [laughter] everyone knows you want to be going, right? But you don't. Huh? And girls, you don't say what you feel either. Somebody will say, "Hey honey, can I buy you a drink?" And you want to go? Nope. I'll just take the money instead. Okay, pal. Meet it, would you? Yeah, it's true. Say what you feel. [laughter] Hey, make yourself feel at home. Okay. Mind if I pick my nose in the kitchen? And uh what if I wash my car with your cat? I'll let your cat pick my nose. We'll call it even. Okay. Hey, I'm just kidding. That's true, too. Whenever you hear anyone say that they're just kidding, >> they're not. >> Anyone here from New York? [applause] >> Hey, Big deal. >> No, I'm just kidding. Don't worry about it. Okay. Hey, but who knows? Huh? Not me. Yes, sir. Yeah. So, you probably think that's stupid. Maybe it is. Maybe it's not. But who knows? Huh? Not me. You do. I guarantee you'll be doing it tomorrow. You'll be going, "Hey, but who knows?" Huh? [laughter] It's not stupid. It's kind of hip. It'd be stupid to go, "But who knows?" Okay. But it's not stupid but who knows? Yeah. Lord knows we do stupid enough things as it is, don't we? How many times in the middle of the night you go to the refrigerator, you get something to drink, gets about halfway down your throat, then you realize it's not what you wanted in the first place, like beet juice or vinegar or something. Huh? Ever try to scratch your throat in a crowded elevator, [laughter] can't quite get the itch? You stick your finger in your ear. That doesn't do anything but attract wild pigs and dwarfs, right? Huh? Dumb. Why do we look in our handkerchiefs after we blow our nose? Huh, man? What are we looking for? loose change or something in there. Times are tough. You don't have to go looking that far. If you have trouble like with people coming to your door asking for money, solicitors, take off your clothes. Answer the door naked. You know how hard it is to collect money from a naked person? [laughter] Sorry, just don't have it on me. Okay. So much for playing material. [applause] But anyway, so what I usually do is I do like a little trick. You might like this. We'll show you a little magic trick. All right. Show you how to make a needle disappear. Okay. Found it. All right. You take a needle. Okay. You hold it about chest high. You reach in the air, grab some magic waffle dust, you sprinkle it over the needle, and the needle disappears. And boy, are you easy. >> Okay. I'll show you a better one. We'll show you how to make a cracker disappear. You take a cracker, you hold it about chest high, you reach in the air, grab some magic waffle dust, sprinkle it all over the cracker, and the cracker disappears. Yeah. [applause] Son, you can do it. Here. You hold on to this hand. You got it. Hell, you guys are crazier than I am, aren't you? Huh? Since you're nuts, >> it's time for slow motion juggling. >> All right. [laughter] >> [applause] >> Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. [applause] Having a good time. >> Yeah. I'm up here. I'm laughing so hard my cheeks are hurting. You know, remember when you're a little kid, you're at the dinner table, you laugh so hard, you cough the corn up your nose. You know what I'm talking about, huh? That kind of good time. I say, "So, what's your name?" >> Tough question, huh? Right. [laughter] No, I What's your name? So is mine. I can't remember people's names when I get introduced, you know? It's like I try to trick them into tell me what their name is. Like, yeah, how do you spell your name again? Huh? You know, like I want to be your pen pal for life, right? You know, and if you can't write his name or anything, you can't write a letter in the first place. So, just do this when you introduce. You go, "Hi, what's your name?" >> So is mine. Cuz if you if you ever forget the guy's name, you just go, "Hey, what's my name?" Ah, so is yours. Okay, good. Anyway, my name is Bob Dubac. Uh, that's like in a few minutes. Some of you may have seen me on TV before. Celebrity Bowling for Pinheads. You seen that? These do a magic trick where you make little animals appear from nowhere. Remember this? Little birds. It's real easy. You take them and you fold them up like this. Okay? So, no big deal. Put them in your pocket. >> Well, LISTEN. I'VE HAD QUITE AN INCREDIBLE time up here. I would like to leave you with a couple of things I read in the paper today. I don't know if you've read it or not. We have some results from the census that are back. Um, I don't know if you've read this or not, but uh, seven results. Um, I'd like to share them with you now. Number one, there are more Jewish people in Beverly Hills than there are in the country of Israel. Number two, there are more Spanish Americans in Chevrolets than there are Japanese and Toyotas. [laughter] Number three, there is no one from Montana. Number four, Eddie Haskell was the first negro to wear makeup on TV. Number five, Lawrence Wal is