Bill Maher on Tonight Show Gary Shandling 1980s KCST San Diego

Nice to be here. Especially because I was supposed to be here a couple of weeks ago and I got bumped. You know what that is? That's when you're That's when you're supposed to be on but they run out of time so you don't get on. That's when you find out who your friends are cuz somebody always calls you the next day and says, "Gee, you were great last night." Boy, that makes me mad. It happened the last time I said, "Mom, watch the show." And I missed the Pope. The Pope was in town. I wanted to talk to him. He called me. I was out. I called him. He was out. playing phone tag. >> I always love that scene where the pope gets off the plane in a country and the first thing he does is he kisses the ground. Of course, this year he did it for real. He was flying Delta. So, oh, come on. I kid that. Come on. That's a scary airline. I was at the Delta counter on the message board. They have arrivals, departures, odds. [laughter] I kid the airlines. I kid the pope. You know, I thought it was so fascinating when the pope was here because the friction between, you know, the people in this country, they want changes and the pope is the pope. I mean, what do they expect the pope to do? It's it's his job to be conservative. He's the pope. They expect to see a headline the next day. Pope reverses himself. Call sex lots of fun. [laughter] But a lot of, you know, the priests, a lot of the priests want to get married now, which is a, you know, kind of a big thing. And, and some of them just want to get married. There's one who a priest who said, "I just want to get married. I will never have sex with my wife. [laughter] So, he's marrying a Jewish girl. So, uh, [applause] please, please, please. Just a joke. I kid. See, I'm I'm half and half. I can make those jokes. I'm half Jewish. My mother is Jewish. My father is Catholic. And so, I was raised Catholic, which I don't understand why people want so many changes in the church. I think they're modernizing. Some of the things are amazing. For example, when you go in communion now and you get the wafer, they also have a salad bar. So, and and for confession, they have an express line if you have six sins or less. And um I used to love that confession when I was a kid, you know, cuz you go in there, you could be honest. Nobody would hit you. Be honest. I was too honest. The priest told me, "It's good to be honest. Don't bring snapshots. Because, you know, when you're seven, what can you confess? What, you know, half the commandments don't even apply, you know? I [laughter] mean, yes, you're a father. I uh I was having adultery with my neighbor's wife. You know, I can't wait to find out what that means. But um I didn't understand a lot when I was that age. I used to think original sin meant you had to make up a new one every time. [applause] [applause] Now, the Jewish side, of course, the worst thing about that is the food. I don't know if you ever grew up Jewish, but I mean or if you went to a seder, but you know, Jewish cooking, only guilty people would eat like this. You know, matzas, flat pieces of cardboard. I mean, I used to ask, "Why do we eat like this?" And she would say, "Tradition. This is the way we ate when the Egyptians were chasing us." My, it's been 5,000 years. Let the bread rise. [applause] You'd think the pharaoh was right on our tail, you know? I mean, we're living in New Jersey. We're not going to have to part the Hudson River to get out of the worst food. We used to have cockroaches in our kitchen going, "No, I'm going to grab something on the way home." Refugees would come over. They'd go, "No, we're good. Thanks." We had something last year, but uh as a kid, my father would tell us, "If you want to grow up big and strong, leave some on your plate. >> [laughter] >> I I have time. Actually, that is the last thing my father would tell us because my father grew up in the depression. If you have parents like this, you know, when they grow up in that era, you have to eat all the food. And I mean all the food. And and you know what bothered me is that he would try to trick us into eating things. Even he wouldn't finish up. You know, he'd come into the kitchen and say things like, "You know, kids, the black banana is the best one. He'd say, "Okay, Dad, you eat it. [clears throat] Here's a straw. It's a little mushy." You know, see, when when my mother said finish your greens, it meant vegetables. When my father said, "Finish your greens," it referred to that one potato chip that had the green on the outside. So scary. Is that dye that got onto something else they were making? Or are they all green underneath and not enough yellow paint got on that potato chip? Very cheap. We used to go to the Health Mobile for our checkups. There's a feeling of security. Guy commit a malpractice and drive away. That's, you know, what do I do? Chase him in a lawyer mobile. I mean, and of course, if we would complain, forget it. Because all he would say was what fathers of that era say. You know, in the 30s, the whole country was in a depression. I was a little kid. I didn't know what he was talking about. I used to think, "Wow, the whole country is staying in bed watching TV all day. Other countries coming by to cheer us up. You know, Canada comes down. What are you depressed about? You're an attractive country. You're wellliked around the world. Of course, whenever I'd get down to depressed, my father'd always take me aside and he'd put his arm around me. He'd say, "Son, I just want you to know life is a swirling, sucking eddy of despair, filled with small moments of false hope in a never blackening universe." [laughter] I'd say, "Great, Dad. If I can't have a bike, just say so. But [applause] [applause] I do love them. I always see them on the holidays. You do you do that? You go see your folks on the holidays. I don't know if that's a good idea to pay a great deal of money to travel a great distance to see people who get on your nerves. I don't know if uh And they do cuz they do things, you know, they're married 35 years. Quite an impressive record. They still do things like they throw into each other's face who they could have married. live with it. You know, mom could have had this oil baron. Dad could have had a millionaire. I'm always thinking, you both messed up. I could have been rich by now. [music] [music] [applause] >> Uh the favorite thing of of mine that you said is I kid the pope. Just so you know, [laughter] I kid the pope. Well, thank you. Now you get you kid about your uh dad. >> You know, I tell you that and you're over 30. >> Yeah. Mhm. >> And uh you know the scary thing is when you're over 30 now I go home and I talk to him >> and we are agreeing on way too much. >> He's not getting any hipper. You know I mean it's this is this is the aging process. I mean he's >> you know I talk about you know I think the kids you know are too easy but now you know he thought that of me. I think that of them now, you know, I mean, there's a record that's out by the Beasty Boys, >> right? >> You ever heard this record called You've Got to Fight >> for Your Right to Party. >> This is their protest song, >> right? >> Not exactly blowing in the wind, is it? I mean, you know, poor kid. We had racism, ecology, the Vietnam War. These kids have to fight for their right to party. >> We got a benefit going for these kids right now. I mean, no wonder the people of Nicaragua don't want to pattern their life after us. We don't even have the right to party. [laughter] >> But you kid the Beasty Boys. >> Would you like to use that? Would you like to take that home? >> I would love to say I kid whatever you're going to make a joke about. I think that's very funny. >> Now, also you're single. You're like me over 30 and single. And I don't know who you're dating now, but we've been talking [laughter] about it. But >> have you met Susan? >> I I wasn't watching. Have you already hit on her? Cuz you usually do with the >> No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm seeing something. Very nice. I'm seeing somebody very nice. Would you like this thing out by the way, Bill? Cuz you're [laughter] starting to sit like Mary Hart right now. There you go. Now, how do you folks re how do they feel about you being single? >> Well, you know, they're no help. I mean, you know, I mean, it's My father uses, you know, talk about the 30s. He uses phrases like, you know, why don't you bring around your best girl? It's something you say to a pimp, isn't it? I mean,