Bill Kirchenbauer on Evening At The Improv 1980s

Well, uh, I've been doing this for a few years now and sometimes they pay me. I've been, uh, flying around. So, that's the thing. When you're a comedian, you do a lot of flying around and, uh, I know a lot of guys do jokes about airlines and stuff, but it's not the airlines that bothers me in traveling. It's time zones. I find those very confusing. For example, I don't understand like like they tell me that if you go from, say, Los Angeles to Hawaii, uh, you're supposed to set your watch back. And I always put mine right about there. They don't do a darn very better good. You go to New York, you're supposed to set it forward. It's a real drag when you go out to eat. Time's very strange. I always wonder about time zones. Just the time zones are all over. There's like three of them that run right down the middle of the United States. I figure, you know, these people really have to pay attention to these. I mean, somebody has to live either near or right on these time zones. I mean, this must cause a terrible problem for them in one way or another. Johnson, you're late for work again. No, I'm not. [laughter] You see, the whole world is going crazy little by little. You just don't notice it. Ever been to the post office lately? You know, the post office employees are slow everywhere you go. They're like, I think there must be a postal law that says postal employees have to take about uh 400 Valium as soon as they come to work in the morning. It's like, oh, I'm ready to go to work. >> [laughter] >> This is fun. You go to the post office and they go next. Just step up a little. [laughter] >> [applause] >> I tell you the post office is good for one thing. A post office provides a way to get even with people that are too big to beat up. It's called the change of address kit. Absolutely free. You can get even with a lot of people. All you do is you write down the name of the person you don't like. Then you write down where he lives. Then you write down where you want his mail to go. [applause] Then you just sign his name. Post office doesn't know what he writes. Like there goes, "Where's my mail?" Well, let's see. It's in Afghanistan right now. [laughter] But you better get there before Friday cuz then it's going to Pluto. So fun. [laughter] Oh my. Have you noticed a lot more uh let's be nice jerks running around than there used to be? Have you noticed that? Like 5 years ago there used to be one, maybe two. Now they're all over the place. I mean, it's nice of you to come tonight. You could have gone to a theater and if you went to a theater to see a movie, you would have seen a lot of jerks. See, jerks go to movies in groups of five or six so they can figure out what the movie's about. THEY ALWAYS SIT RIGHT BEHIND YOU. They sit there and go, "Who's that? Where are they going now? Why did he say that? Who am I? What planet am I on? Where the hell do I live? Where do you want to go? >> Shut up. Shut up. IT'S A LOT better than [laughter] I always wonder, HOW DO THESE PEOPLE GET BY IN LIFE? THEY can't even figure a movie out. What do they get up in the morning and go, who are you? Where am I? Where do I work? Where am I going? What planet? You know, another place you meet jerks is on the freeway. I like it when people stop on entrance ramps to freeways. Don't you like that? You ever ask these people why they stop on the entrance ramp? They always say, "Well, I wanted to see there if there was a car coming." >> Of course there WAS A CAR COMING. IT'S A FREEWAY. My impression of the $6 million man freeze. [laughter] >> Walk in a liquor store late at night and they'll give you anything you want with that. [laughter] The $6 million man at a disco tech doing the bump. [laughter] >> [applause] >> Hey, it's uh >> my last impression I'd like to No.