Alex Valdez on Evening At The Improv (?) 1980s

[applause] [applause] All right. Thank you. [applause] Thank you. >> Good to see you, Tom. How you been? >> Fine. Fine. >> Good. Thank you. I want to I want to thank you for welcoming me here to Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. It's been a long time since I've been here. It's great. >> Alex, >> Tom, what do you think of this? What do you think of this new tuxedo my manager bought? What do you think? >> Good. Took two paychecks, but hell, I think it's worth it, you know. [laughter] >> It's very nice, Ally. >> Thank you. >> Well, good luck. I know you'll knock them dead. >> Thank you much. Thank you. >> Oh, uh, do you do you need Q cards? >> Yeah. Where are those Q cards? >> Well, right over there. >> Okay. Thank you. Good. I see them. Okay. All right. Thank you, Tom. [applause] >> Good evening, everyone. How you doing? Great. Great. >> Good looking crowd. Nice looking crowd here. You guys look dynamite. [applause] All right. Anybody here visiting tonight from out of town? We have any uh vacationers with us? Anybody visiting? Raise your hands. Let me see how many people we got here. How many people? Anybody visiting? >> Yeah. Where from? >> Ohio. >> Ohio. All right. Are you here on vacation or buying drugs? What are you doing? [laughter] Little bit of drugs, not great. Listen, I got some stuff that make you go blind. It's good. Good. I got to tell you guys, I had a heck of a weekend last weekend. I couldn't believe it. Went out Friday night. Got so drunk I could see again. I was [applause] It was crazy. It was crazy. I was celebrating my birthday. had a great birthday. Really did. My roommates, they bought me a telescope. It's really nice. Got a little You think that's funny? Last year they bought me a damn moped. [laughter] Them suckers are impossible driving with a cane, you know? Boom. Hey, and I don't Do you guys know the in the state of California here in this in this state, they will not let blind people drive? I don't understand. This doesn't make any sense to me at all because the freeways out here are already set up for it. You know those little those little white reflectors, those those lane dividers? Come on. They're not lane dividers. They're braille markers. You just drag your hand out the window. Yeah. Growing up, what a time. What a time. High school, college. graduated from college and started looking for a job because that's what you're supposed to do when you get out of college. You look for a job. Yeah. Had a great job for a while. I was an air traffic controller. It's nice. I love it. And right now I'm a part-time proof reader for the National Enquirer. I like that one. That's a good one. [laughter] People always want to know when I get off stage. They say, "Alex, you know what? What's it like being up there? You know, what's it like being up in all the under all those lights and stuff?" And I love it. I love getting up here making people smile and laugh and listening to the laughter and stuff. But it's not the only job I have because on my off nights I'm a pimp. [laughter] That's right. I have the only blind hooker in Hollywood. That's right. The blind hooker. You got to hand it to her. [cheering] [applause] >> Oh, thank you. I like that joke, too. Thank you. That's nice. Well, thank you, sir. Things are going good. You know, really can't complain too much about my career. You know, here I am and things are going nice and it's starting to happen and I'm really happy about that. I really am. But a couple of years ago when I first started out doing this stuff, it was not that easy. My manager, great guy, hires me a writer. The guy's deaf. I mean, it's crazy trying to get material from this guy. You know what I mean? >> What? What? [laughter] We do this stuff all day long. I'm yelling louder. He's getting his hands closer to my face. I don't know about you people, but handicapped people tick me off. Good. Looks like Looks like I have just about enough time to do my closing a little bit. Tonight, I'd like to close with a little something different. Um, I'd like to close with a magic trick. This evening, I close a little card trick. And in order to make this car trip work, I need the assistance of a young lady somewhere in the front row. Would someone LIKE TO ASSIST ME? >> THAT was all guys. Jeez, >> this is Hollywood, isn't it? Okay. >> Anyone? [cheering] >> Whoa. Mama, make a blind man see. All right. How you doing? All right, Mindy, ever been on a real blind date? Just [laughter] >> Okay, Mindy, tonight we're going to do a card trick. Okay, going to do a little card trick. Stand right over here so I can see you a little bit better. Okay, stand right there. That's good. Thank you much. Okay, going to do a card trick tonight. Now, to prove to everyone here in the audience and to show to prove to you folks and to prove to Mindy that, you know, Mindy and I have never seen each other before in our lives. Okay. >> [laughter] >> And what we're going to do is we're going to do a card trick. And but to prove to you that there's no foul play here, nothing up my sleeve. Tonight, for the very first time here at the improv, I am going to blindfold myself. Okay. Excuse me for one minute while I slip into this blindfold that my manager bought me. Pardon me. [laughter] Okay. All right. I've got it now. No problem. Okay, Mindy. Oh, there you are. Okay, great. [laughter] We're going to do a card trick, Mindy. Now, Mindy, what I need you to do is I need you to pick a number between 1 and 10 and call it out loud for us. Go ahead. What is it? [laughter] >> Seven. >> Seven. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7. Seven will be your number and seven will be your card. Okay, Mindy, please take these cards in your hand, palm up. Now, listen to me very carefully. What I'd like you to do is give me seven cards off the top face down one at a time in the palm of my hand, please. 1 2 3 4 5 six seven. What hands? My god. Okay. Now, cards, please. Seven was your number. Seven will be your card. Please take the top card off the deck. Now, look at that card. Mindy, memorize that card. Show it to the audience. I am not able to see that card at this time. Okay. Have you got it, Mindy? >> Okay, great. Don't be nodding your head at me, baby. [laughter] Okay. Yeah. Put it back in the deck anywhere. [laughter] Great. Okay. Now, here comes the tricky part. Now, now I mean, listen to me very carefully. What I'd like you to do is whatever that card was that you chose, >> I want you to take that card and I want you to divide it in half. Whatever that card was, divide it in half and call out the card and the suit for us in a loud voice. What is it, Mindy? >> Three and a half. [laughter] >> Okay, Mindy, I'll do the jokes. Okay. Three and a half of what? [laughter] >> Three and a half of clubs. Thank you very much, audience. Okay. Three and a half of clubs. [laughter] Okay. We don't need these anymore. Um, oh god, I think this blindfold's screwing me up. Um, wait a minute. [laughter] Well, let's see. [laughter] I went out and bought these cars. These are cars for blind guys. They can see them real well, [laughter] you know. Um, Bindy, this one. >> Show this to the audience. >> Yeah. [cheering]